Hope

I will never understand why the Catholic church does not kick out these priests who destroy the dignity, value, religion, and sexuality of the children they molest. I will never understand why the Church ignores when Christ says that it's better for you to throw yourself in to the sea and drown (AKA commit suicide) than for you to cause a child to stumble (or to do all of the things child molesters do). I will never understand why there is an idea of tolerance to those individuals who are called to be the pillars, backbone, and strength of the Church. And why we all as Christians in general (and the Protestant realm is equally guilty of these things) constantly make excuses like well they're sinners too... BS. When you accept the calling of priesthood/pastor/leader in ANY way within the religious realm, you no longer get to use the excuse that you're "just a sinner". You don't get to permanently damage another human being, call yourself a sinner, and move on about your way (often times at other Parish's/churches).

The scars of molestation and rape are permanent. Even if the individual is able to come to some sort of notion in their mind of forgiveness, their view of sex is forever changed. Their marriage will be effected, how they parent, everything they do is viewed through the lens of the actions that this leader and mentor did to them. There can be no allowance of continued behavior. There can be no chances offered for them to do this to someone else. There can be forgiveness. But forgiveness does not mean lack of consequence. Forgiveness does not mean that the person should continue working in their field. Church leaders are called to incredibly high standards for a reason. When they fail to uphold a life worthy of the calling, they should be removed from their position. No ifs ands or buts about it.

It is my prayer and hope that the new Pope will have the firmest stance against child molestation the world has ever seen.

The experience of letting go

Unwrapping my fingers from yours, relaxing my arms and letting them drop to my sides, and standing there frozen in this moment watching you walk away. My feet are cemented to the ground. My heart is breaking. I drop my sunglasses down over my eyes. I don't like to cry. I don't like for people to see me cry. I don't like feeling so desperate.

You walk over to get in the formation that will lead you away from me. I do everything in my power to keep my mind focused and sharp. I want to remember you. I want to remember your smell, your smile, your laugh. I want to remember the feel of your scruffy cheeks in the morning before you shave. I want to remember the sound of your breathing at night. I want to remember...

Always in the back of the conversation in my mind is what if? It's an endless dialogue that will keep me company for the next year. It will plague my dreams and my thoughts. It will haunt me every time the doorbell rings unexpectedly. It will be the thoughts that pop up late at night when the kids are asleep and the house is quiet.

My ears will hunger for the sound of the garage door opening at the end of the duty day. My eyes will search for you in the sea of uniforms that surround me. Your car will shock my heart every time I pull up to our house and see it, because for a split second I will forget that you're over there and not sitting at home in our living room.

Our children will react the only way that children know how. They will be angry, out of control, emotional and they won't really understand the whole process of grief. I hate that they are learning this at such young ages.

The world will go on even though my entire world is frozen in time. People will laugh and be silly and I will feel like laughing is a betrayal and any moment that could be special is missing the majority of the equation. I will write. I will write until my hands can't move. I will do everything possible to make sure you feel included.

My phone will become my only connection to you. I will love this and hate it at the same time.

You are marching out now and I'm running as fast as I can to my car so I can be at the airfield before you and wave you in. My final goodbye. My last eye-to-eye glimpse of you. It will now be skype... the lifeline.

Somehow I have to get in my car and drive home. Somehow I have to walk in to that house with your stuff, your ghost, your memory and face those children who are all aching and hurting and give them comfort. Some how I have to get through this because they need me, and you need me, and this is what I'm supposed to do. Somehow I am going to make it through the next minute, even though it feels like my life is over. Somehow I'm going to endure this year even though in this specific moment, I feel like I. can't. breathe. Somehow...

I'll sit here in this garage waiting until the sobs stop. I'll sit here waiting until I can breathe again. I'll find the will to begin this life without you here. I'll get through the agony that I can't describe. And one day, God willing, I will wake up and this will be over.

Shining like the dawn

Do you have kids afraid of the dark? I have one who has apparently inherited that awful experience. She is terrified of the dark, and in true-to-how-her-mother-was fashion, she is almost always sleeping in bed with her sister (remember Jo!?).

Last night the hallway light, bathroom light, basically every light the kid had the bravery to get up and turn on, was on when my husband got up to go to work (his exact words: our room was lit up like the sun was shining this morning when I got up). They weren't on when we went to bed, so we know someone got up and turned them on. This prompted a conversation with my kids this morning:

Me: Did someone get up and turn on the bathroom and hallway lights last night?
Charchee: (hand up) I did.
Me: Why did you do that?
Charchee: Because I was scared.
Me: Thank you for admitting that you did it. But do you know why we need to not do that? It is very important that we think very carefully about everything we're using on our planet. When we leave lights on while we sleep, we waste resources that could have been used to do something else.
Charchee: Well I was scared.
Me: What are you scared of?
Charchee: The dark.
Me: What about the dark?
Charchee: The monsters in the dark. Well, at least I think there are monsters in the dark, but they're not real.
Me: How do you know they're not real? Did you ask them?
Charchee: WHAT!? Ask them? 
Me: Yeah! Why don't you ask them if they're real!
Charchee: (laughs)
Me: Listen, the world is filled with all sorts of beautiful things that come JUST when you're scared. They're called angels. Angels come in the darkness and they keep watch over you. Maybe those monsters you've been seeing are really angels hanging out in your room! But if you turn the lights on, then the angels hide.
Charchee: Why would an angel come in my room?
Me: Maybe they want to check out your really neat angel halloween costume!
Charchee: WWWWHHHHHAAAATTTT! (laughing) I bet they really like it and they want it!
Me: Maybe you'll be able to catch them tonight and then you'll know it's really angels and not monsters in your room. But you have to keep it really, really dark or you won't be able to see them!
Charchee: Okay Mommy. I'm going to look for them.

I think as parents our instinct is to tell children things are not there or real. But that's simply not accurate. Whether you believe in God or not, there are presences that come and surround us all the time. For some people it's ghosts, for others angels/demons, deceased family members, or it's the dreams and ambitions of a creative mind. Whatever you believe, I think that telling a child there is no such thing as monsters is ludicrous. Maybe my creative child, actually sees monsters in the darkness. Maybe the best thing is to teach our frightened children that scary things really do exists, but there are tools to handle them.

In our home I want to teach my children to understand the things they can not see. There is so much to believe in that is not something we can physically touch or feel. While I absolutely wish my child was not afraid of the dark, I am thankful for the opportunity to dive into this scary experience and show her how awesome the unseen things can actually be. So awesome, in fact, that they're scary ;)