I watched him drive away and I felt a pang in my chest. It hurt to see him go. It aches. I kissed him as wholly as I could, I poured all of myself out of my body. I am his.
We live in a world of unknowns. We don't know which moment will be our last. We don't know which kiss or embrace will be our final one. Thank God. I don't want to know. How could I possibly kiss him in a way that would last forever? How could I smell him, feel him, love him in a singular moment that would hold me through until my own final moment of life on earth? I can't. It's not possible to do, so I do it over and over and over again. I hope that the culmination of all of these events, will last forever.
My children, I am fiercely blessed to have your Daddy. I am blessed beyond what I deserve, what I ever hoped or imagined that God would give me. It is not without immense pain. To love someone, is painful. This is one of the things I feel the least able to make you comprehend. By painful, I don't mean that it is rejection, or disloyalty, or abandonment. I don't mean that it's being a doormat, or having no voice, or being abused. I don't mean that it's being controlled or micromanaged or belittled. I don't mean that it's being ignored or devalued, or deemed less than worthy. Have you seen your father treat me in these ways, or I him?
The pain is in the human component. It's in the hurt of their absence, in the ache of their sorrows. It's in the giving completely of your own self to another, and them giving their own in return. It's the weightless burden of holding their life, their heart, their passion in your hands. It's the children that Love creates. It's assuming the best, believing in goodness, and pouring out mercy over and over again.
I am recklessly his. This is entirely Divine. You know the stories of the immense sufferings that we have endured. You know the hurts we have dished out. You have had a front row seat, a magnifying glass perspective of all of our sins and weaknesses. I hope you spotlight the Mercy that abounds. I hope you see Jesus in the forgiveness. I hope you see through the momentary weaknesses, and set your eyes on the Love and acceptance. I hope you walk through life, knowing what real Love looks like. I hope you don't settle ever for less.
As a youth, I walked through immense hurts. I navigated many experiences that I am thankful you have so far been spared from. But at the same time, those deep wounds, etched the deep Love that is carved in to my soul. Love rises up out of the ashes of hurt, and overcomes. Love conquers all, if we are brave enough to allow it to. Love requires courage. It demands acceptance. It only exists with open hands.
