There are moments where silence is necessary. I have to keep my mouth shut because I know too much or it's not the appropriate time. There are decisions that are made that have lasting and permanent impacts on our family. The heart aches, so it prays. It spreads all of the gossip and the rumors and the anger and fear and sadness and angst to the only One who understands all of it and has seen it at its completion, even as it is currently ongoing.
What is happening in our world, is going to impact us all. Our nuclear entity that I wear around like a comfortable pair of old jeans, and a worn and tattered sweatshirt, is being altered. You four, alone, understand what it is to watch me let him go. You four, alone, understand what it is to have him gone. We five alone know what it is to walk this road... Hypotheticals are so much easier than realities. Aren't they? Why is it always that way?
I am afraid of what the world looks like without him in it. I understand that is true for all of us. I know that you know he is the other half of me, more clearly than any other human beings on this planet. I don't know what I look like as a human, a mother, and woman without him. Some people might say that's pathetic, but I say that's what being "all-in" looks like. There's no me without him, there's no Joneses minus him.
It has always been my goal and intention to be honest with you. I have intentionally displayed the full range of my personality. I am scared. I'm afraid that he won't come home. I know his experience, understanding, and wisdom are what would be most beneficial to the lives entrusted to him. He's unique in his vast amount of experience in war. These are the treasures I will do my best to hold on to come what may.
May God have mercy. May He grant us strength to walk the path He has selected for us. May we be gracious, forgiving, and gentle. May our countenance be of such a manner than no one could look at us and fail to see the Savior who holds our hearts, lives, and comfort in His hands.
