waiting..

My husband's RR is right around the corner. I mean, it is literally possible that in the next forty eight hours, his head will be on the pillow next to mine, and I will be able to reach out and touch him. But right now I'm waiting.... I am waiting to find out his flight. I am waiting to go to the airport. I am waiting to hug him, to kiss him, to hold his hand. I am waiting... and I could honestly tell you that I'm sick and tired of waiting...but in a sense it isn't really true. I mean, of course I don't want to wait forever and a day, and of course my impatience wants to be right next to him right now, but my heart isn't alone. My spirit isn't empty. I know that I am not forsaken.
I can't even begin to write in words the blessings that have been given to me. This man adores me. I know it with all of my being. I know that he would die for me. I know that he would fight for me. I know that he would do anything within the realm of legality for me that he possibly could. I know that he's grateful for me. I know that he loves me, deeply. And I also know that he knows wholeheartedly that those feelings are reciprocated. I feel the exact same ways about him.
Yes, I make a thousand sex deprivation jokes. And I go on and on about how desperately I need to shebang my man. But ultimately, the truth of the situation is that I can't wait to run into his arms and just rest. I can't wait to sleep next to my earthly joy. I can't wait, to stop waiting.

It's still good.

I am feeling sentimental tonight. I'm not exactly positive where it's coming from, but it seems to be here in full force. My youngest is sick. She has come down with the secondary infections that decide to show up when you've had the Swine Flu. Swine Flu is seriously like bad company...it comes around, destroys your "house", then invites it's nasty friends to come and stay for a while as well. Yuck! If I could I would punch swine flu in the face! :)
So anyway, the sentimentality aspect arrived when my husband called. You see, he and I have barely had a conversation in the last month. We have had two children in the hospital, I've been sick, and our two other children were sick with this Swine Flu ugliness. Then when we finally got better, he got it in Iraq. Now, if you haven't had swine flu, you don't understand why we haven't talked. Swine Flu literally runs you over with a bus, backs up, then runs you over (and repeats this process like fifteen times). Then, after its finished completing that task, it takes you out to meet it's "little friends" and has them give you one heck of a beating. So sitting in front of a computer is very difficult. And unfortunately for us, it's pretty much the main way that spouses communicate with their soldiers nowadays. So in the last month, our five and ten minute conversations has consisted of: "how is so and so today? Any worse?" "Yes, she's worse. In the hospital.", etc etc. Or, "Are you any better?" "No. I feel worse. Well, go get some sleep, we'll talk when you're better." So they haven't been too lengthy. But, I will say that being able to connect at all is absolutely wonderful.
Okay, so now that you've had the back story of my sentimentality, you can understand the following: I finally had a decent conversation with my husband, and it was perfect timing. I had finally gotten the kids in bed for the night when he called. He said, "Hey baby!" and I kid you not, I just cried. I am completely emotionally burnt out. I am so sick of sickness that I can't even begin to describe it. I am so irritated with going to the doctor all the time, and giving my children medications for their various illnesses that have spawned off of the Swine Flu. I'm just sick of it. And I was very sick and tired of not having a decent conversation with my man. He was finally feeling better from his sickness, and it was nice to just lean on him. I told him that I missed him, and I was saying that I mean it differently. Of course I miss his physical presence and I miss having him around, but I meant it in the sense that he and I haven't really been able to talk lately, and that I just was really missing him. And he goes, "Oh baby, I've been feeling that way too. It's just been awful."
So that sort of has awakened my sentamentalness. That man has a way...He just has a way with me that no one has ever had. He is able to comfort me, to console me with so little words. Honestly, some days his picture can just comfort my achy heart. I love that between us there is a softness, a gentleness, a kindness...We just get each other. I was thinking the other day, that if I died to tomorrow, there are four things that I hope people would say about me: that I REALLY loved God, that I REALLY loved my husband, that I REALLY loved my children, but also that I just really loved people in general.
Don't ask me how all of a sudden I went to this morbid death place...I have no idea. The whole basic point is that I really love the boy. :)
On a much happier note...my husband's R and R is coming up. Which in lay mans terms means that the whole abstinence thing will soon be getting a break! And I am thanking God! It's one of the most frustrating aspects of being married, and being apart. And it really sucks. :) BUT! We both gladly do it to defend our country, and to speak for those who have no voices. We are proud of this life we live.
So that's what's been going on in my mind. A sort of convoluted mess of things, but that's sort of how things have been lately. Ultimately, I am thankful for so much more than the things that I am irritated by. God is good, life is good. It's the challenges that grow me, and remind me all the more to be grateful. I am SO glad for the people in my life who support me and send me a friendly hello. I am SO grateful for my biological family, and for my Heavenly family as well. Life is hard, but it's still good. :)

Swine Flu (which should really be called Beelzebub Flu)

We caught the dreaded disease: H1N1 AKA Swine Flu. It was a blast, let me tell you (note the sarcasm). I don't think I've ever been so sick in my life. Two of my four children were hospitalized and one of them was VERY ill with this sickness. I was literally coughing so much that I had sore muscles in my stomach. And when you've delivered triplets...you find it very difficult to keep your urine in on a normal day... let alone when you're literally coughing out lung tissue! :) Okay, okay...it was nasty. I have to laugh about it. There were so many scary moments.
My oldest triplet was VERY ill. She went for 20 hours without urinating because her kidneys were swollen from the plague. She was throwing up large amounts of blood. Her O2 stats were dropping to pretty low numbers. She would barely move. She didn't sleep for about 30 hours. She would just cry, "Mommy! Help me!" over and over again. So I sat with her in a tiny child's hospital crib bed, and rocked her almost non stop. I took breaks to eat and took breaks to go to the bathroom, but the whole time I was gone, she'd cry for me to help her. It was excruciating. After a day and a half of this agony with her, I finally asked the nurses if she could have some pain medication because she seemed like she was in so much pain. They gave her some drug I had never heard of. The nurse told me it was the infant equivalent of percoset. It helped her stop crying. But she still was so restless.
Those moments were extremely difficult. Not only were the children terribly sick, but I was as well. I have no idea how we made it through. I thank God with all my heart that my mom was here to help with the other two kids at home.
My other child in the hospital did great once she got on the IV and got some fluids in her. They were both on anti nausea medicines to help them stop throwing up. They both had a bunch of tests done to check their bodies.
I was sitting there in that hospital room with my two youngest daughters, and it brought back to my mind our days in the NICU. It was strange to recall sitting beside their beds and begging them to get stronger. It is awful to sit in a hospital room and have doctors look at your child and say things like, "She is really bad. She is really really sick." And to have nurses come in your room and look at your child with a worried expression and say, "She is VERY sick." Those are the sayings that make mom's worry. When the doctor's and nurses are worried....it's difficult to have faith in the system. But ultimately, my children's lives are in my Savior's hands.
My older daughter was literally seconds away from being elevated to a different room and having a catheter installed. The nurse came in to take her away. She disconnected her from the machines and I went to give her one last hug. I was crying and praying and saying, "Please God make her pee!" I kid you not, in that moment, she peed. It was the very last minute, but she did. She didn't pee very much but they say that usually that's how it goes. They'll pee a tiny amount, and then gradually it will increase to more and more. I was sitting there and screaming "woohoo! Thank you God!!" Her nurse and I were both cheering and laughing. It was so wonderful! In the few moments after she finally peed, she completely turned around. She started smiling again. She was weak and she was still very restless, but she stopped crying constantly, and moaning, and she started to look much much better.
This illness is nasty. I mean, it's really ugly. I will tell you also, that I am a clean freak. My son is Immune Suppressed and I am VERY particular about hand washing and healthy eating. We still caught it. I clean carts before we get in them, wash hands constantly, and work very hard to keep everyone healthy. And we STILL caught it. Here it is, two weeks later, and we are still coughing (though it's much better. Doc says it will take a minimum of a month for that to go away), and slowly getting our energy back to normal. It's strange that a virus which is so tiny that we can't even see it, can cause such destruction. And the scary component of this illness, is that you can not predict the people that it will destroy. My immune suppressed child had barely ANY symptoms of Swine Flu. He only had a fever. That's it. Myself, and my four very healthy children, were EXTREMELY sick. My two children who are almost never sick, had it the worst of all. We're talking fevers in the 104s, that were not coming down on Motrin and Tylenol. We're talking toddlers who are so sick they won't move. They won't play. They won't eat, and they don't even want to drink. We're talking toddlers who moan because they're too weak to cry. We're talking a cough that is so vicious that you can turn blue from having a coughing spell that lasts for forty five seconds, where you can't get a breath in. Where it is excruciatingly painful to inhale...feels like there is glass in your lungs. We did not have sore throats, and we did not all have the same symptoms either. The ones of us who got it first seemed to be the sickest. The ones who got it the last had the most minor symptoms. It is the most bizarre illness we have ever had go through here.
So I don't know what else to write about it. We went through the valley of Swine Flu horribleness, and we survived it. It didn't kill us, and now we're immune! :) I'm just glad it's finally over.

letter to you

So I finally “cleaned you up” off of our bedroom floor. I can’t believe it took me just under six months to basically erase your memory of having just been here. I did your laundry. I washed the clothes you wore the day before you left. I washed your pajamas you wore the night before. I put them all away. I picked up your slippers and put them in our closet. Your side of the room is completely empty. It’s bringing about a strange feeling. On the one hand I have tremendous peace about where you are and what you are doing. I know that God has plans for both you and me, and I know He will not allow anything to thwart them. I have complete peace in His leadership and guidance. On the other…I miss you so deeply. I miss so many things about you but it seems to be the little things I miss the most. I miss your goodbye kisses in the morning. I miss watching you climb in to bed. I miss opening my eyes and seeing your head on the pillow. I miss holding your hand. I miss seeing you smile. I miss sitting next to you on the couch, where our thighs are pressed up next to each other and your arm is wrapped around my shoulder. I miss sleeping on your lap. I miss falling asleep with you holding me.

I am proud of you. I am SO proud of you. I am proud of your perfections. I am proud of your flaws. I am proud of your in betweens. I love that I get to be the woman that loves you. I love that I get to be the woman that supports you and stands beside you. I love that you are my best friend. I love that you are so kind. You are kind. Did you know that the Bible says that a kind man is a man of virtue? I am so thankful for you.

So anyway, this is what I’ve been thinking about. Oh how much I wish you were here. But yet, I know God has a plan for why you are not, and I thank Him for His wisdom. I can’t wait until we can touch again.

I'll be seeing you,
me

Christ

I can feel a change in the air. Have you ever had a moment in your life where you can specifically pin point a drastic change? I've had one recently. My husband commanded me to walk away from an evil situation. And I obeyed that. And I can honestly say from that moment on, my life has been filled with peace and joy. I have found friends that I never knew I would ever find. I have grown more in my faith in the last six weeks. I feel different. I have a different perspective and outlook on life. I mean, I'm not going to deny that my husband being deployed isn't hard, or that I don't still get angry over injustice, or occasionally want revenge. All of those things are still my reality. But I have joy. I have joy that I haven't felt for a long time.

Christ transforms minds. You either know Him or you don't. There isn't a grey area, or a loose definition on that. You are either changed (or being changed), or your not. I don't want to be stagnant. I don't want to stand still wondering what the heck I'm doing. I want to KNOW that my actions, my thoughts are pleasing to Christ. Let's be honest, this world is filled with evil. It's filled with selfish people, liars, greedy people, sexually immoral people, idolaters, etc etc etc. I could list ten thousand things that are completely AGAINST Christ. But, on the flip side of all of that evil, is Jesus. There He is in His glory and righteousness and holiness changing lives. He is pouring out his grace and mercy and consuming spirits. He is lifting people up who have been crippled with sin and broken by lack of faith. And He is bringing healing. Healing beyond what anyone can say.

grandfather

I am in a terrible position. My heart keeps envisioning me going to him and whispering in his ear, "Grandpa...Please accept Jesus, so I can dance with you in heaven." This vision keeps clouding my mind and calling me towards my grandfather. And I am torn in two directions. Should I stay, or should I go? If I go, I put my family in great financial strains, as well as risking the life of my son. If I stay, I risk the opportunity to witness to my grandfather. He and I have a unique bond. A glorious and special bond. And mutual admiration and respect. I have always told him the truth, and vice versa. I would almost go so far as to call it a friendship. Countless times I have called him in tears over various situations in my life. I can't even say how many times he's comforted me in regards to my husband's job. On those days of complete and utter emotional exhaustion with his absence, my grandpa has made me laugh, and given me immeasurable comfort. He has told me it's okay to cry, and that my crying doesn't make me weak. He has recounted his admiration for my husband and my family and the gifts that we've given to this country. He has reminded me of the strengths within me. My grandpa is my friend. It is only an additional joy that he is also my bloodline.

Death is awful. Especially when my heart aches so much that I can't be at his side. When my spirit wants desperately to call him my brother in Christ. Never have I wanted anything more. How can I say goodbye to my friend without knowing that we will both honor Jesus in heaven? I have this horrible dilemma. I am grieved. I wish I could just go. I wish I could go with no cost. I wish I could go with no potential sacrifices. I know that my grandpa understands if I can't come. And yet, I can't shake this feeling that he's waiting for me to come. I don't know if it's some delirious part of my ego that is feeling that way, or if it's the Holy Spirit telling me that I am the one to go witness to him one last time. Oh that life would only be simplified.

My glory is in this. My God is greater than death. He is greater than distance, than sickness, than sadness, than war, than any thing that has ever been seen or imagined. He is greater than this. And He is my heart's rock and salvation. In Him I find rest and comfort. And I lay this down at His feet, and wait for His guidance. He is my King of Kings and Lord of Lords. I will be still, know You are God.

grief

I am amazed at how evil people can be. People will just make up blatant lies out of thin air, and then completely lay it all down as if one person has done such atrocious things. I am hurting. I am hurting because I have had to walk away from my friends. I have had to say goodbye to good women. Women, that I respect and enjoy being with. I have had to do this all because I have to honor my husband and obey his commands. But my heart grieves. My heart hurts with an anguish that is difficult to define. It feels like evil has won. It feels like injustice is thriving whole heartedly in this place. The bad guys get to seem innocent, while the innocent are condemned as evil. How long will injustice dwell at Fort Bliss? How long will the vile, evil, manipulative, dishonest women continue to rule the day? Will their deceptions be made known? I know that vengeance is God's. I know that He controls all things. But I am so sad. I pray for my friends I have said goodbye to. I pray that God will bring good people in to their lives. That God will take care of them. I pray that they will have peace in their lives. I miss them. I truly do.

silence

I feel like I'm living in a fog this week. I am surrounded by evil people who lie and are deceptive. And I so desperately want to expose them for the people they are. I so badly want to go and say how they have broken confidentiality, and have gossiped and said HORRIBLE things about their "friends". But I stay silent. I am better than that, and I am working hard at just walking away and not caring about forcing justice. I know that justice is ultimately God's. This is a hard lesson to learn. It is hard to let people believe lies about me, and to stand by and feel like the bad guy is winning. But it ultimately isn't worth it. So I am silent.

Brun

I have been saying for ages that something was not right with this child. We were never able to console her. She would cry for hours, scream. No amount of holding or rocking could get her to sleep. She was never happy. Even in the NICU, she'd cry all the time. She never attached herself to my husband or me. She never cared whether we were holding her, or someone else was. In fact, most of the time she preferred other people over her daddy and me. People said, maybe she has colic, maybe the lobster and I were so tired and stressed out and she sensed that. She was six months old and not rolling over. She had to do tummy time for hours out of the day so that she would be forced to roll over, forced to learn to crawl. She was a year old when she finally started sitting up. Still, EP said this was all "normal". She was premature...I was expecting too much. Despite the fact that both her other triplet siblings were almost walking at that point. She wasn't making sounds either. No babbling, no trying to talk. Nothing. She just cried and was silent. Now here it is a year later...she is two years old and hurts herself all the time. Punches herself in the face. Flaps her arms. Bites herself until she bleeds. Stabs herself. And all these people say is that she's "sensory deficient". Are you kidding me!? I am so frustrated. I KNOW she is not well. I KNOW in my heart she is not like my other children. I believe that she is autistic. But the idiot doctor's here say that since she looks me in the eyes, that she's not autistic. I don't know what to do. And so many days I just sit and cry from helplessness and complete frustration. How can people tell me it's normal to have a child not connect with her mother until she is over two years old? To have a child that will have blood filled teeth marks up and down her arms? Who screams and screams unconsollably at the top of her lungs for hours?! A child who wasn't even attempting to speak until she was two, and then overnight began to do it perfectly. There was NO practicing. A child who will sit at the table and do puzzles for two and three hours...A child who can spot and detect the tiniest objects, that even I have difficulty finding. She is a genius. I believe it, and know it with all of my heart. And she is painstakingly afraid of rejection. Perhaps her intellectual ability has caused her to sense the world's behavioral "norms" and she can "fake the funk" for long enough around strangers. I don't know. I legitimately don't know what to do, or where to turn. I am emotionally exhausted and frustrated. And I hurt. I hurt for my child. She is such a beautiful little girl. She is SO beautiful. If people could just see her the way that I do...their hearts would be overwhelmed with emotion. And I can't help her. Because I don't know how. I don't know what to do to help her. And I am so sad. I am so so so sad.

You know when you have one of those days where you want to crawl in to a cave and hide? It's been one of those days. The kids were just aggravating me to the umpth degree. They were screaming and fighting a lot. They were telling me "NO" and back talking in regards to every single situation. And I sit here...grateful. I'm thankful for their back talk. I'm thankful for their fighting personalities. They exhaust me sometimes. But they're beautiful. I love that they're fighters. I love that all four of them have that spark, that determination, that strong will that will carry them so far in their lives. I'm grateful. They are so smart. I'm sure a lot of moms say that their kids are smart and beautiful, etc etc. But mine are! I'm just in awe of how magnificently God has created them. I'm grateful for their cries and their anger. I'm grateful that I get to be here to experience them. There are definitely days when I need a break, or I'm just too burnt out to appreciate them. But I think about the parents who have buried their children, or who's children have been evilly taken away from them, and what they would give to hear the fighting and the crying.
I get these random moments where I see their father so clearly in them. Tonight, in the bath, Brun looked EXACTLY like her daddy. I looked at her, and she had this look on her face that was an expression her father makes. I sat there and I just hugged her. I got all wet, but it was a beautiful moment. I love seeing their father in them. It makes me smile, it makes me feel joy. He is such a wonderful man. I can't say it enough. I am so blessed by God. I have four beautiful, wonderful children. I have one spectacular man. He is the proof that God gives amazing gifts. He's my best friend. I realize that I say that often, but it's true. He calls me his girlfriend. It was something my grandfather used to call my grandmother. And he calls me his girlfriend. I asked him if he said it because my grandfather did, and he said he'd forgotten my grandpa did that and that he does it because he wants me to know he CHOOSES me...isn't obligated to be with me, but rather chooses me every day. How beautiful is that? It's immaculate. It's wonderful. And I'm grateful.
Tonight I will lay my head down on my pillow, and as I always do before I close my eyes, I will look at his picture right next to my bed. His face is always the last face I see at night, and the first one I see in the morning. And I will ask God to give me dreams of him. Because when I dream of him, I feel less alone. I miss him so much more than words could ever say.

my challenge

I love her for being my challenge. I love her for how much she pushes me to different heights and strengths within myself. I love her for her laugh. I love her for her kisses, that she loves to give all the time. I love her for her silliness. I love her strength. I love her intelligence. I love her eyes, and how they change colors depending on what she's wearing. I love her fragility. I love how hard she tries to make me understand, and that she's patient while I work on meeting her at her level. I love her for her broken senses. I love her beautiful heart. I love her smile. I love her hugs. I love her neediness. I love her voice. I love her determination. I love her curly hair. I love her mouth. I love her button nose. I love how she takes her shoes off all the time. I love how she puts diapers on her funshine bear. I love that she wants to be an only child. I love her crying. I love her fighting spirit. I love her emotional responses. I love her frustration. I love her joy. I love her simplicity. I love her complicatedness. I love her for being my challenge. And I am thankful for every moment that she challenges me. I am thankful for every second that she pushes me beyond myself. I love her for teaching me what love is...that it isn't based on your own desires, or hopes or dreams. But that it is simply accepting someone...flaws and all. I love her and everything that comes with her. And she helps me to love God all the more, for giving her to me.

this day

I must admit I am daily amazed by my children. Somehow they can always make me laugh hysterically when I think I'm at the end of my rope. The kids simultaneously tackled me. All four of them...I went down pretty quickly. I don't quite know how they coordinated the event. It was so much fun. They tackled me and tickled me and I was laughing so hard. I'm not ticklish, but it was so funny having the four of them laughing as they went "tickle tickle tickle" to me!

This day has been a day of beginnings. I joined a woman's bible study at my church. We're going through this book called "becoming a woman of contentment". I have been in dire need of that. I am so sick of Christian women cliche's or overall fakeness when it comes to women and faith. I mean, lets be honest...many women wear masks and pretend that everything is great when they're at church, in order to seem at peace and like they're content in their circumstances. I definitely believe there is a time for mourning. I believe that it is not anti Christ to have sadness and stress and pain. It is important to experience the emotions, and lean on your sisters in Christ. I do however, also believe, it is critically important to never lose site of our foundation of hope. Life is NOT meaningless. Christ is the basis behind our every things. And the hope in times of need.

I talked to Mike today. I am so blessed to have such a wonderful man. He was giving me such heavenly peace. He reminded me of how much God is in control and how He is our fate decider. I thank God that I married to a man that I can share my faith with. I don't know how women do it when they don't share that. I love being able to pray with Mike and go through my faith struggles with Mike. I told him today that I really admire him. I have never known a man to take his role in life with such significance. He strives so hard to be a good leader for his men, a good husband, and a good example for our children. I am so grateful. God is so good. He is so thoughtful when He picks our mates. He has never said that our lives will not be hard. But I have been blessed that He decided to give me a partner that is my soul mate in every way.

lately

Lately it seems like the whole plate that I carry around is extremely heavy. It's a strange feeling to feel overwhelmed, but yet not at the exact same time. I guess in a nutshell, I am angry. But I am not quite sure what I'm angry about. I have barely slept since the night my son went in to the hospital. I don't know why either. My body is breaking under the weight of approximately 1-2 hours of sleep a night. I keep having nightmares...horrible nightmares. Is this a spiritual attack? I pray and pray and then pray some more. I am struggling through my quiet times, because I'm just so tired, and the quiet makes it difficult to stay awake.
I am so sick of sickness. I'm tired of having a child that is constantly in and out hospitals. And I hate feeling that way. I am so blessed. My children are alive. They are beautiful immaculate human beings, and we went through such a horribly painful path to bring them this far. I am just feeling so many emotions, that it difficult to know where to begin.
Brunie's senses don't work. That's the basic nutshell diagnosis from the big fancy pediatric developmental specialist. She said that she probably is autistic (or was) but that through continuing therapy, by the age of five, it could basically be eradicated, or brought to a level that makes it very difficult to determine. But her brain has not figured out how to utilize it's senses correctly. It explains why when she bites completely through her lip, or leaves teeth marks on her arm (from biting herself) that she doesn't cry, or react with any signs of pain. It explains why she covers her ears all the time, because the noise is too much for her. It's too overwhelming. It's difficult to put in to words what that specialist appointment was like for me. On the one hand, I have been so emotionally exhausted by this child. She is wonderful and precious and amazing, but no one has been able to explain why she hadn't attached, why she is so late in everything, and why she cries ALL the time. The sheer emotional overwhelmingness of it taking YEARS to figure this stuff out with her...I can't even begin to tell you. When I got in to the car after finishing the appointment...I sat there and just cried. I cried for my beautiful little angel, and I cried for myself. I am so frustrated that it took almost two years for the stupid EP people to get us connected with the right physicians. I cried for the precious child who has been trying for so long to make me understand what she was experiencing, and I just couldn't. I cried for myself, because how many beautiful moments have been passed by, because I couldn't understand that she doesn't like to be touched like a normal child. How many moments could I have held and loved on my child if someone has just shown me how to hold her correctly? Oh God...why did you rob me of this?

reality

A couple of soldiers in my husband's company were injured the other day. One of them is in critical condition, but has been listed as stable. It's been a harsh reminder to many of us of where our husbands are. For those of us who are not new to deployments and the military, this deployment felt like not that big of a deal. We're nearing the end of time in Iraq, and the location that they were being sent to was supposed to peaceful. I realize that for many of the newbies, it was a big dramatic deal. But for the rest of us, we weren't afraid of our husbands getting hurt or killed. Well...now that's changed. All of a sudden the fears of where my lobster is at are settling in. He isn't in a safe place. I am sad. Of course, I am 100% thankful that I have a God that will take care of my husband and us, but it's hard not to feel sad. I find so much peace and comfort in that my husband is in the Lord's hands. Where else can we turn to for strength and comfort, but our God? I am so grateful that He holds us in His hands.

saturday night

It's Saturday night here in my household. Not that it's another night in anyone else's household, I'm just making a note of it. The kids are all finally in bed. Saturday nights are always bath nights. So one by one, each of the chicken nuggets lined up to take their "turn" in the tub. They love baths. They laugh and have such a fun time playing around. They are now to the point where they like to help wash their bodies. My oldest pretty much does the whole process herself. She just has trouble rinsing her hair, but I think it's pretty mature for a four year old!
Everyone got to talk to my lobster today. It was a glorious two hour phone conversation where he talked to each child and then I got him for about forty five minutes. His voice warms my heart in a way that only he can. I must say that it completely lifted my spirits.
May is almost over. As of today, we have gone for four weeks apart. I never know how to count the month mark...should I count it as four weeks, or the June 2nd? It's very unclear. I suppose in my mind I've made it a month. One down....eleven to go...
I'll be honest that there are items of his that I refuse to wash. Maybe it's disgusting or gross, but the pajamas he wore the night before he left are still sitting right where he left them in our room. It sort of tricks my mind that he was just there and he'll be right back. Eventually I'll get to the point where I pick them up and wash them, but I'm not ready. I still need to believe that he was just here...
I wonder when I'll take over his side of the bed. A long time ago (on our first Valentine's day together), he gave me a ridiculously large teddy bear. It's been our tradition always, that when he is deployed (or not with me) I sleep with it. That teddy bear has seen me through three deployments and is now comforting me during this one. But Jake, our dog, hates it. Every night he kicks it out of the bed and I find it on the floor. He doesn't want it anywhere in sight. I think it's because he has grown to associate it with my husband's absence. When my lobster has had staff duty or CQ, the bear sleeps in the bed...so now the bear has been around for a while and Jake has had enough!
I am grateful for the conversation today. It was lovely and sweet and nice. I truly miss him so much. The days go so slowly, but the time flies so fast.

happy anniversary

Let me start by saying this day has been rough. Starting at about two in the morning, Brun was throwing up buckets. It was the layout of how my day started. Then when I went to wash the bedding, the washing machine broke. There was tons of water pouring out of the back of the machine. I was beginning to feel like fate was against me. I was so upset. I was frustrated and burnt out (from lack of sleep) and just emotionally drained.
Hours went by and he didn't call. Mind you, it is extremely upsetting to be "that" girl who sits at home waiting on a guy to call. It's embarrassing and frustrating. I have always been like, "I don't care" and to have your whole day revolving around a phone call...well...it makes you feel really pathetic.
Finally, the phone rang. This is how it played out. "Hi Babe! Happy anniversary!" I said, Happ..." and the phone went dead. Dial tone. I sat there and thought, no worries, this happens sometimes. He'll just call back. Five minutes passed, ten, fifteen, twenty...etc etc. He didn't call back. I was SO upset. I was crying buckets of tears and shouting at God. Why don't You love me? Why do You make my life so miserable? Why are You so cruel? Why don't You care? Then that switched to, Please make him call. Please, please, please. And he didn't call. I tried reading my bible to get my spiritual "bearings". But nothing helped. I found no comfort. I was laying in bed, determined to drink myself to oblivion when the kids went to bed, or to wallow in self pity. I was emotionally distraught. Then Anny called. She made me laugh when I thought I couldn't laugh. And I don't know how she did it, since she had a not so great day herself. Before I knew it, she was saying I should come over. And I thought to myself for a second that I didn't really want to drag the kids, but then I thought I should go. So I got the kids up, made them a quick meal, and we got on the road. It was the greatest comfort. I felt happy when I left. Well, I don't know that I felt "happy" but I didn't feel like throwing myself over a bridge anymore.
On the way home, my oldest asked if we could listen to the daddy christian music. So I put it on. As the music played...God spoke to me. In the subtle ways that only He can...He said, Here is your mini miracle. And I felt it. That punch in your face conviction when you've had a temper tantrum with God and then he's like, listen up now and suck face! You see, my son has had horrible diarrhea tonight. I mean, awful, horrible stuff. But God said, You see....it's not throwing up. I realize that to many people that would seem like a strange "miracle" but it is one. If he started throwing up, I think I would've had a nervous breakdown. Another "miracle" is that now the kids all have a pediatrician. They all have someone I can call in the middle of the night and ask them what to do. No more dealing with Fort B. No more waiting three weeks for a freaking doctor's appointment when your kids have a fever of 104. No more sitting in emergency rooms for an ear infection because they "just can't fit you in". My next mini miracle is that he called at all. While I am still justifiably pissed off that all I got was four words, I'm also happy to know he didn't forget. He remembered this day. He thought of me, and he wanted to talk to me.
It's hard to put in to words what this man means to me. Where do I even begin. He is my Paul the apostle. You know where Paul says, Look to me as the example of Christ's love...well, that's what my husband does for me. He's never called attention to himself. In fact, quite the contrary. He's exceptionally humble and always feel like a Christianly failure. But this man shows me Agape love. He shows me the kind of love that only God Himself can give. The kind where you're accepted, despite your flaws, despite your sin, despite your weaknesses. He does not judge...he loves. And I am hopelessly and completely in love with him. In him, my heart has its mate. I have NEVER been the same since the day I met him. I can say that with all truthfulness. He is a beautiful gift and a wonderful man.
So the point of this whole diatribe is that the day started out awful and I was so ticked off at God...but...when you fight with God, who do you think is going to win?

Jake

For those of you who know our Chocolate Lab, Jake, you know that he is terrified of water. Well, the other day, he finally became a "normal" lab. He and foofee (she's our cavalier king charles spaniel), had a blast playing in the sprinklers. It was a miracle of sorts. Jake has been terrified of water for the last four years that we've had him! I thought it was maybe a fluke that he played in the sprinklers, but today, when it was raining, Jake was back out in the torrential downpour of rain, enjoying himself. In fact, he started whining to go out when it started raining! I have a "new" dog! Before, he would've cowered against the door if we put him outside when it was raining! I'm in complete shock! And I'm so proud of my big brown boy!

some advice

You've just spent a year fighting in the dust, the heat, the filth. Now you’re home. And you have no idea what you're walking in to. Your children haven't been around you in a year. Your spouse has been virtually single while you were gone. You have no idea what to expect. Will you still find her attractive? How are you going to answer any questions she might have about what you've done...what you've seen?

You don't even know where to begin, or how to even process your experiences. You've lost friends; you've been shot at. You've come close to losing your own life. You want to protect your family, and perhaps, protect yourself, by ignoring it.
So you push away all the thoughts and images that fill your head. But at night, when everything is silent, the images creep in. Maybe you awaken from a dream, and find yourself reaching for your weapon. Or maybe a certain smell makes you start to look intently at your surroundings, for anywhere there might be an IED. You hate it. Damn war.

You have several options in front of you. Drink until you can't even remember that you've ever been to the Middle East; push everyone away that matters to you; hate the army; or pretend like your deployment never happened in the first place. You're tough, after all, right? You're a soldier. No opportunities for "weakness" or dread.

Maybe you simply want to know how to relate to your family again. You have changed and so has she. The experiences that you've had have altered you. You don't look at life the same way anymore. How do you tell your wife that you're not the same guy you were before you left? How could she ever understand what you've gone through? Honey, she understands more than you think.

During the year that you were gone, your wife fended for herself. She cared for your house, your cars, your lawn, your children, all on her own. She worried constantly, about your safety and whether or not you were "okay". Even now that you're home, she's still worrying that you'll feel loved, wanted, and accepted. She's worrying about whether or not you're going to be okay in the aftermath of what you've seen.

The best way to reunite with your spouse is to recognize that you fought this war together. Perhaps you saw the nightmares physically, but she dreamt them in her dreams. Perhaps you were in the heat and filth, but she prayed and carried you in her thoughts to a beautiful and serene place. She's the one who waited, hoped, persevered right along side of you. I know you feel like she could never possibly understand what you've experienced. I know you probably feel more alone in this moment than you ever have before in your whole life...but so does she. She's just as angry, exhausted, and frustrated as you are. Most of us military wives would never say this. Most of us want to be strong for you. We want to help you find some sort of peace in your mind and in your current reality. This is just our way of picking up our weapons and carrying on the fight now that you're home.

Keep in mind that this does not give you license to ignore us, or reject us. We still need you. We need to know that you're in this with us. Despite what you may be feeling or thinking, your wife can support you in more ways than you realize. Sometimes, the most difficult, yet helpful, thing to do, is to say how hard your deployment really was. Talk about it openly and frankly. Share how sad you were to lose your friend. Maybe share what it felt like to be surrounded by death. Find your own ways to bring her into your experience. The more that you can open up, the closer you will become. It will bridge the gaps in time and distance, and help reunite you as a unit again. She will be able to feel what you felt, and you will have the comfort of your wife being there for you.

welcome to

Yesterday was a horrible day. It was one of those days when everything is going wrong and every time the phone rings it's something awful. One of those specifically horrible/awful things is my grandfather. He is dying. Not in the, we're-all-dying sort of way, but in the it's-his-last-days kind of way. It came like a sucker punch... I mean, really it did. My grandfather is old, and he's been telling me for years that he wants to die, etc etc. But today was not the day I expected it. I feel so lost, so confused and in so much pain. My grandfather is not a believer. He believes that religion is for the weak minded, and though I have tried to share my faith with him, he has consistently rejected it. Now I sit here thinking, what can I do? What can I say? How can I find his up and coming death joyful? It is complete hell for me. All night last night I tossed and turned and prayed that God would give me wisdom, give me words, to reach his hardened heart.
I love my grandfather. I love him deeply and passionately. I have been very close to him for the last ten years or so. I have never found him intimidating and I've always been willing to tell him when he was being screwed up. He told me once that he's always admired my convictions, and that he knows I'll tell him when he's wrong. I think he admires people who aren't afraid. Truthfully...so do I. But in this strange way...I am completely afraid.
I am feeling so many angry feelings. I recognize that it comes from a helpless place. I can do nothing but sit here and wait. It really sucks.
Today I am struggling with saying God is good. I know that as a believer that statement should roll off my tongue like the word the. It shouldn't be a challenge or a difficult thing to express, it should just pour out. But today....
I was up all night with one of my children. She had a high fever and nothing else. She just kept crying for her daddy. I'm guessing it was stress fever. But because of the fever, it brought on an asthma attack and I had to keep giving her breathing treatments every two hours. She's fine this morning, still a bit of wheezing, but that's residual from the asthma stuff. But I was so angry. I was laying there with this child, that I love, that I would do anything for, and I just kept thinking, what kind of screwed up timing is this? She wanted her daddy. I don't know if it just took her a bunch of days to realize he wasn't coming back any time soon, or if having the random fever, sparked some sort of longing in her...I don't know. When she gets afraid in the night, her dad is usually the one that cuddles her. It's one of his amazing attributes. I'm not very physically affectionate, and it's his favorite thing to do.
My thoughts are all jumbled up in a big ball of emotions. Fatigue is pretty strong in me today. I am tired. I'm emotionally tired, and physically tired. My spirit is in need. I am listening to worship music right now. Not necessarily because I want to worship, but because I need to. Or maybe a better way to explain it is to say I need the music to speak to me. I need it to lift me up and encourage me. I need it to fill me up and bring me peace.
Isn't it true that in times of helplessness, all we can do is look up? I love how Psalm 16 puts it: ¹ Keep me safe, O God,
for in you I take refuge.
² I said to the LORD, "You are my Lord;
apart from you I have no good thing.".
I need some refuge. I really, really do.

letter to my husband

I'm not good with words anymore. I used to be. It was sort of my specialty. I used to know what to say when to say and to whom it needed to be said. I used to be able to have a sense about things. I feel like my brain is clouded with static. I am tired and I'm angry and I'm supportive and I'm frustrated and I'm in love. And sometimes I hate that I love you. There. I said it. Sometimes I hate that I love you. And now I'm a horrible wife and a completely unsupportive woman. I hate looking for you everywhere I go. Or listening for you coming in the door, or pretending like you're next to me in bed. I hate that you left. I hate it. I hate that you reenlisted, and I hate that you left me all alone. I know it's screwed up. And it's a horrible dichotomy and a completely frustrating experience, because in the exact same burst of emotion that hates and resents, I feel the complete opposite: proud, and in awe, and grateful, and joyful. This is what you do to me. I hate that without you here I feel lost. And I hate people telling me that I shouldn't feel that way. That my sense of value and purpose is in Christ not you. They don't understand what I'm getting at. I need you. I don't need you to breathe, or to make my heart beat, I need you to smile. I need you to laugh. I need you to sleep peacefully. I need you to make it okay for me to cry. I need you to cuddle me and hold me. I feel broken. I feel like someone jumped inside of me and screwed up my brain and I'm just on cruise control. Unable to move myself, my brain is forcing me to move forward. And I don't want to move. I want to just freeze. I am so scared babe. I am more scared that you can even begin to imagine. I'm not scared that you'll die. Honestly. I swear. I'm scared you'll come back like you did last time. I'm scared you'll say horrible hurtful excrutiating things to me. I'm scared you won't love me, won't hate me, won't feel anything but rage. I'm scared you'll be violent again. I know the religious arguments. I know that God "cured" you once and He can do it again and so on so forth. I just don't know if I can do it.
I realize the very notion of my anxiety is foolish. I know that ultimately your fate is out of my control. I also know that the unity between you and I is deeper than any we have ever seen. It's beyond affection and love...it's impossible to verbalize or explain. Your are my heart's greatest passion. My life's greatest earthly love. On a scale unimaginable even to me. I did not believe it was possible to love someone this much, and to be loved this much in return.
I am fierce, ferocious, opinionated, passionate, spicy, and a thousand other words and yet you love them all. You are the only one strong enough to be my man. And I miss you. I miss you more than that stupid word "miss" can even begin to explain. Frankly this is very overwhelming... this idea of 359 more days... I know I have to take it one day at a time. You know what I'm saddest about? I don't get to go on this journey with you, and you don't get to go on mine with me. We both are forced geographically to endure our journey's "alone". The only way that we can ensure we continue to grow together is through Christ. Christ is with each of us, uniting us, on our lonely roads. I hope your day is wonderful. I know your day has begun already, while mine is coming to its close. I miss your big brown eyes.

crap

Under the shade of apple trees I hide
pricked by the thorn of adoration and speculation
I leave my voice muted by you
gagged and tied up in a bureaucratic nation

I am doing my best at keeping myself silent
uttering nonsensical words in your presence
and I still get giggly and nervous
while you get embarrassed and pretentious

and I could map you out on a wall
under familiarity and understanding and love
I've got you folded up in my back pocket
holding on to a necklace like a drug

I still look around for your hand in bed
and I still listen for your voice in the night
and I'm getting away with my romanticism
but I assume in regards to you, it's all right

May 2 2009

My husband left for Iraq yesterday. This is his fourth time to the middle east. I don't even know where to begin in all of my emotionalness. I barely slept the night before he left. I probably got about two hours of sleep. I woke up about six, so that I could be with him a little more. I did my quiet time, and I poured out my heart begging God, asking God, to PLEASE give me strength. The morning was very somber. My lobster woke up the children and fed them breakfast. We wrapped up things at home and then headed over to post to drop him off. Both he and I cried the whole way there. When it was time for him to go, my oldest started crying hysterically and said, "Why is daddy walking away!? Why is daddy not staying with us?! He needs to get in the car! He needs to come back! I need my daddy!" I told her that daddy had to go on his trip and that he loves her and will miss her. I told her that we would send him packages, and letters and pictures, and that he'll call us. I told her that daddy didn't want to go, but that he has to. Then she just started screaming for me to get her out of there. That she couldn't watch. She needed to get out of there. So I left. And I was crying so hard. Crying for myself, crying for my children, crying for my husband.
I was finally able to calm my oldest down, and bring her some comfort. My lobster wanted me to bring her to the "family time" that was going to occur later in the day, but after seeing her get so upset, I decided that it would be too hard for her. He still had his cell phone and when I called him, he agreed.
I fed the kids lunch, and then put them all down for their naps. The sitter arrived just after then, and my friend Anny and I left to go to the "family time". We sat at Biggs Gym for an hour waiting for them to come. They were an hour late for our time together. Because of this, what was supposed to be two hours together, ended up being one. But, in this life, you sort of get used to these things happening. But I will say, though I'm used to it, they don't make me any less angry.
My husband and I cuddled and kissed and sat and talked with each other. He told me how much he loved me and how I was his best friend. We cried. And it hurt so much to see him cry. I told him everything that I wanted him to know. I gave him his going away packet. We sat together and opened the first parts of it. He saw the pictures of the kids' hand prints and footprints. He saw the pictures that all of the children had drawn for him. He looked at the journal that I gave to him, and the pictures of our families that I put in there. He looked at the list that our oldest wrote for him of the "Things I love about Daddy". I think he cried through the whole experience of looking at it. He read his "day 1" letter from me.
We just enjoyed each other. I tried to memorize his smell and his warmth and his scratchy cheeks. I tried to soak it in. Then the announcement came that it was time to go. And I broke. I started feeling dizzy and faint. We held each other and then he walked off. I was crying so hard. Then all of a sudden he came back and said, "Will you please come outside with me?" and of course I did! We walked out together hand in hand. He had all of his stuff on him. He side arm, his weapon, his backpack (well, it's called something else, but that's basically what it is), and his briefcase. We got outside in the sunlight and the wind, and we just held each other. I held him so tight as if it would prevent him from having to go. But I knew eventually I would have to let go. He kissed me again and told me he loved me. We both said "I'll be seeing you" (we don't say "goodbye". We never have in moments like these), and then he walked off into the formation. Anny and I stood outside together watching them get on the busses to go to the airfield. Then she and I left so that we could get over to the airfield to watch them drive by. We were the only wives there as they pulled up. Anny and I stood outside, and both Rich (Anny's husband) and my husband saw us and waved. I was really glad. It gave me a sense of joy.
Anny and I stopped at McDonald's on the way home. Neither of us were in a frame of mind to be cooking or making meals for our children. We sat and talked together for a while, and then Anny had to go home. Just before she left, my lobster text messaged me and told me that he loved me. It made me start to cry.
About twenty minutes after Anny left, I went into my son's room to change the babies' diapers, and then the wave of agony hit me. I think I've never cried so hard in my life. I mean, it was ugly. It was nothing but raw emotion. There was no words. I just kept crying out "I miss your daddy". I couldn't stop. It was the only sound that could make any sense to explain to my children why their mother was so upset. I somehow managed to change diapers in the midst of this emotional wave. I came out to my living room and I called my friend Koria. I knew she would understand. She said "Hello" and I don't remember saying anything, but crying, except that she told me I said "hello". About fifteen seconds after we got on the phone, my mom called, so I talked to her for a bit. Or rather, cried hysterically, while she sat on the phone and tried to be supportive. She just told me I needed to grieve. And she's right. I need to grieve. I am in so much emotional agony. I am so heartbroken. I am going to be without my heart, my love, my best friend, my confidant, my partner, my soul mate, my comfort for so many days. And it just overwhelms me when I think about it. My mom reminded me to break it down into the whole "one day at a time" thing. Which is true. But last night, I was not there. I was overwhelmed. I was defeated. My mom had to go, so I called Koria back again. She finally helped me calm down. She just listened and talked and distracted me. She always seems to know what I need without me having to tell her.
When Koria and I got off the phone it was time for the kids to go to bed. So I changed their diapers again, brushed their teeth, and then we settled in front of the TV to watch the bed time videos that their dad had made (stories and prayers). My youngest started crying hysterically when it came on. I did my best to console her, and then I put each child to bed. My husband gave each of them "daddy dolls" to comfort and hold in the night. They gave their daddy dolls kisses goodnight and then settled in. My oldest watched her video and then she went to bed.
This was when I was really afraid the agony would come. On a normal day, when the kids are in bed is when the hubster and I spend time together. I was terrified that I would walk out to an empty living room and break again, but it didn't happen. I don't know if it was because I was so dehydrated, or if it was because I was so exhausted. I don't know. I went in my room and wrote my lobster a letter. I don't remember what I said, and I'm not even sure if it made sense. I settled in to watch som Friends. I was hoping it would make me laugh some so that I would be able to sleep. Just a few seconds after I turned it on, the lobster called. We literally talked for five minutes. He prayed with me, and it gave me immense comfort. I cried for just a few seconds. I felt peace and joy at just hearing his voice. After that I went to sleep.
The night was strange. I woke up at midnight when my mom called to check on me. Then I woke up again at about five to some strange man ringing my doorbell. Of course I refused to open the door, but I shouted through the front door "What do you want?" then he mumbled something and walked off. I don't know if he was drunk, or went unknowingly to the wrong house, but he left after that. Normally, an incidence like that would terrify me, but it didn't. I know that this was solely and only because of Heavenly peace. I went back to bed, and woke up at eight to start my day.
So here it is. It hasn't even been twenty four hours. I'm still emotional, I'm still so sad. But I know that he loves me. And he knows that I love him. And somehow, the minutes will turn in to hours, the hours in to days, the days in to weeks, the weeks in to months, and then this deployment will be over. So for now...I just need to get through this day.

upcoming goodbye

The departure date and time has been told to us. I am so sad. How can our time be so short? I wish I could freeze time, or slow down the clock, or make this not happen. My heart is already breaking with knowing all of the moments we'll miss together. I truly will miss my best friend.

tough times

This past week has felt like an emotional roller coaster. It's seemed like every day has brought more and more bad news. Car accidents have happened, big news has come bringing anxiety with it...
Yesterday was Sunday and I woke up thinking about how badly I didn't want to go. I'm so angry with God. I feel like these last days together with my husband should be joyful and wonderful, not filled with car accidents and drama every single day. I've barely seen him. By the time he gets home from work, there's a thousand errands that we have to get done in order to be ready for his deployment. We're constantly running around trying to get things done. I'm mentally drained.
So I woke up thinking that I was mad at God and didn't want to go. But then I knew in my heart that church was exactly where I needed to be. I dragged my butt out of bed. When I went to blow my nose, I heard a snap in my spine and immediate pain rush down my back. I slipped one of my discs back out of alignment and I was in a lot of pain. Nevertheless, I still knew that I needed to be at church. So despite the pain, I went.
I am often reminded of how much God gives us what we need, when we need it. That sermon spoke directly to my broken and angry heart. It was entirely about finding peace in God's "room". In the service, they called up all the family members of soldiers and the soldiers themselves and they prayed for us. I didn't expect to go to church and bawl my eyes out, but that's what happened. From the time of the prayer all the way through the sermon, I barely stopped crying. But it was what my heart needed to hear. God still loves me, and I don't need to be afraid or not at peace. He is here with me.
On a side note, and a completely ridiculous one, the lobster and I have committed to tithing. It sounds dumb and not that big of a deal, but for us it's a tremendous one. Our income is accounted for down to the last penny, and I was very afraid to make the commitment. But God assured my heart that He will provide for us, when we follow His will. So the last amount of money we had for this week, I put in the offering plate (I'm not saying this for self praise...I deserve none). And I was thinking on my way to church how badly I wanted to eat out after church, but that I knew He would provide. I also asked God to show me that He would take care of me. Well at church, they announced a reminder for the new attendees to go to the lunch with the pastors after church. I had completely forgotten that we RSVP'd the event! And God just showed me, that He knew I didn't want to come home and make lunch, and He took care of it for me! Isn't it great how God knows our ridiculous desires, and will still give them to us?

This morning, I slept in because of the massive amount of painkillers I am on for my back. I got up at about noon (I was on A LOT of painkillers), and when I walked out to the living room, my husband just grabbed me and started crying. He said, "I don't want to leave you. I don't want to leave you." In a strange way, I cherished the ability to be there for him. I treasured being able to hug him and kiss him and comfort him. He said that he is so angry and he doesn't know why. I said, maybe you're angry because you have to go and you don't want to. And I think it's true. I know it's been true for me. I'm angry that he has to go. And often times when you're angry about something out of your control, you end up taking it out on the people you love. The lobster and I have been arguing a lot. I think it's because we're angry and it's some sick self protecting way of trying to have it not hurt so much when we actually say goodbye for a year. He is my prince charming, my hearts love. I can't even begin to explain to people the love that I have for this man. And the love that I know he has for me. I don't question it. It's engraved in my heart, how much he loves me. And I feel lucky.

A bunch of random thoughts today. I am on painkillers.... :)

April 20, 2009

I woke up this morning with an immensely sore throat. I am fairly certain it's just from having had allergies last night, but one can never be sure. It seems like I'm sick all the time. Maybe it's stress, maybe it's from lack of exposure to EP germs, maybe it's a weak immune system, maybe it's all of it. Either way, when you wake up in pain your day doesn't feel like it starts off so great.

I'm emotional. I started crying as I said my childrens' breakfast prayers. I'm overwhelmed. It seems like sickness has been in my household for the last three months and I'm really over it. It also seems that no matter how much I clean doorknobs and toys, that it keeps going around and around. I'm actually to the point where I'm going to stop being so uptight about the anti bacterial stuff...our immune systems just need to get stronger.

This past weekend we welcomed my husband's platoon to our home. Yup, almost all of them came. I made meatloaf, potatoes and asparagus, and they seemed to enjoy themselves. A few of them stayed until midnight! It was really neat getting to know them. But I will say that being around a bunch of 19 year olds really makes one grateful to not be single. They genuinely all seem to basically have sex on the brain. It's sort of like they see girls as objects to be conquered. That night I told my lobster that I am so glad that I'm not in that world anymore. I mean, I'm always glad that I'm not single and that I'm married, I just had a vivid reminder about it.

Anyway...I'm sitting here while my kids finish breakfast. In a few minutes I have to go give kids 2 and 3 breathing treatments. Good times!