Anniversary

We celebrated our eighteenth wedding anniversary yesterday. He is one side of the planet; I am on the other. When I look up at the sky, he sees the moon and I see the sun. This time in our lives is unique to say the least. We have been together for so long that I cannot recall what or who I was before he arrived. When I reflect back on that period of my life, it is cloudy and vague. Not that he made my life begin, but more that it was a shadow, and a preparation, for what is now.

We have so many different opinions about war and the military in this country right now. I look at my fellow citizens and see people looking for heroes and villains. So much is painted as black and white, hard and easy, good and bad, fair and unfair, etc. I look at this deployment with both fresh eyes and the heart of someone who has walked this road an abundance of times. I feel simultaneously achy and sore, unwilling and broken, but also grateful. It's like the moments after something life changing occurs. Everything moves in slow motion. Your senses become more aware; your brain chemistry changes. You are present but also strangely removed, as if you are watching yourself navigate the world around you.

My Love is someone who can destroy me. His ambivalence, his distracted self, his focus on what is in front of him and lack of privacy to pour his heart out to me feels like the slow motion of lava flowing out of a volcano. It's a path of red hot, slow-moving energy that eats my sense of joy and leaves darkness in its wake. Writing that feels pathetic in our modern era of female power. I am my own individual. I am also his wife. There is no way to separate the two senses of myself. 

In the same light, I have moments of overwhelming grief, where the hardened lava of my heart breaks down and crumbles. I have moments where the most random situation will send me across the world to the side of the person who helps me to sleep, makes me laugh, and brightens up the darkness in my heart like no other person on this planet can. I want to be stronger than I feel. I want to be resilient and calm, pouring out peace on those around me. 

For eighteen years he and I have held hands and walked through the world with the same last name. We have navigated so many hardships that nearly ripped us to pieces. We have seen each other at our absolute worst and have helped each other achieve our best. We have fought like hell. We have laughed even harder. We have loved with fists closed so tight around our own will and determination to survive. We have no illusions that disintegration is around every corner. Marriage is hard... but it can be such a beautiful joy, a delight to the soul. It can keep you going when the lava seeks to turn you to stone. 

May God give us strength to weather this time apart. 

Ache

 Last night I couldn't sleep. I laid in bed for hours, waiting for the night to tick away. The physical element of your absence is immense. My body aches for yours to be next to me. It lays awake, waiting for the feel of you to lull it to sleep and there are moments where it just isn't possible to ignore it. I was exhausted, but my soul was aching and searching for what I knew would not arrive.

Sometimes I feel hollow, love. I wonder what the purpose is to my days. I am probably far too wrapped up in you, yet I am not apologetic about it. My days are divided by the presence and absence of you. When you are gone there is no division. Hours, days, weeks, months blur together in a giant glob of relentless ache. I feel incomplete. What will I do when you die? 

War is a young man's game. It's a phrase that I've heard you say recently. I relate so deeply. I observe and see how this is playing out and find myself saying so many times I'm too old for this. Even with that perspective, I'm simultaneously grateful. Missing you, longing for you, recognizing the great contribution that you bring to my heart and my days is a privilege that is not lost on me. Too many people get lost in the monotony of marriage and they lose track of the way that love is like wind. Powerful, life changing, impossible to define beyond its impact on the world. You are my wind. You move me, sway me, impact me, yet I can't see you. You hold me prisoner when I'm lying awake waiting for the hours to tick away and the day to come. 

I miss you.