Breakfast

Have you ever pondered how much money you spend on breakfast cereals? Have you actually looked at the label and figured out what you're spoon feeding to your children? The ingredient list on some of the "healthy" cereal choices (Cheerios I'm looking at you!) will shock you!

I removed, quite a while ago, the typical boxed cereals from my home. Breakfast, in my opinion, should be something cooked. Why? Because when you have to prepare your food, you think much more about what you are consuming.

Breakfast in our home is often Oatmeal. There are a thousand different ways to flavor it: apples, pears, cranberries, nectarines, blackberries, raspberries, strawberries, peaches, cinnamon, sugar, honey, milk, almonds, real maple syrup, and on and on. It's also cheap. I buy one box of oats for $6.99 a month and that feeds all of my children. You can scarcely pay that amount of money for one box of Cheerios nowadays! Plus, I control the sugar amount in their cereal (and often times I don't put any sugar at all!). Oatmeal can be made in the refrigerator (refrigerator oatmeal) overnight, in the crockpot (overnight), or in a pot in the morning (takes approximately 15 minutes from start to finish). You can use frozen fruits (I buy fruit in season, wash and freeze it myself, and use it as needed throughout the year), fresh fruit, and more. You can create a breakfast buffet with oatmeal toppings and allow your children to pick their own.

The possibilities are endless! So think about making a breakfast change and put some more change in your pocket! ;)

worry

"The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4 PM on some idle Tuesday." -Mary Schmich

The above quote is from one of my favorite essays. It was made famous by Baz Luhrman in his song "Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen)". The statement has long held true in my life.

We live in a society guided by worries. We're worried about death, injuries, loss. We're worried about suffering. We're so worried that we bury ourselves in laws, "protections", ideas of prevention... We will do anything to ease our worried minds.

We are now in a period of immense worry in this nation. We are worried about our children's safety, public schools, taxes, jobs, losing our gun rights, having too many gun rights, chemicals in our food, cancer, water supplies, shelter, electricity, gas costs, environmental destruction, having enough, having too much, losing it all... and these are just to name a few. It's exhausting.

Worrying is "as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum." -Mary Schmich (another tidbit of awesomeness from that essay). Stop. It's not going to change anything. It's only going to fill your days with misery. It's not going to engage the opposing viewpoint. Posting articles and links on facebook isn't going to change the world. Get up and do something. Write your congress person. Join an organization that is fighting the good fight. Invest in a bicycle. Recycle. Stop buying things you don't need and can't afford. Teach your children what to do in a dangerous situation. Homeschool. Private school. Join the PTA. Buy a gun. Destroy a gun you might own. DO something. Stop worrying.

Cristes Maesse, The Mass of Christ (AKA Christmas)

If December 25th is about Jesus' birth, then why aren't the weeks leading up to it about a young, teenage girl, who risked her life, wholly humbled herself to what God had foretold, and laid it all on the line to bring this boy into the world? Shouldn't the season of advent be about celebrating her obedience, diligence, humility, bravery, and faith? Put yourself in her shoes, imagine how you would feel coming home to your parents from a vacation, obviously pregnant, knowing you hadn't shagged anyone, and then trying to convince them that you legitimately are still a virgin. Imagine knowing you had done nothing wrong, but everyone around you believing the opposite. What about the man who had every opportunity and reasoning to have her killed? Shouldn't this also be about his mercy, grace, and obedience to God as well? They both risked it all to protect this child. They both could not possibly have imagined what was to come from their faithfulness, but they did it anyway.

What about the three men who traveled from God-knows-where to find out what this light was leading them to? How they risked it all, to disobey a king famous for a fiery temper and a murderous heart. How about the men in a hillside, keeping watch over their flocks (their livelihood) who left it all and went to see this baby that was born. Their flocks could have been stolen, eaten, or have taken off, but they deemed the child to be worth losing it all.

What about how nothing in scripture says to commemorate, honor, cherish, celebrate, or do anything to recall when Jesus was born? But instead, the Bible says that His Mother will be called Blessed for all generations because of her actions. It was His death, resurrection, and conquering sin that is to be cherished, but Easter only gets one day (unless you're Catholic), and even that day isn't very highly cherished or filled with glee and excitement.

What about how Jesus wasn't actually born on December 25th? People are falling all over themselves to "remember the reason for the season" but forgetting that we haven't the faintest idea when Jesus was born, and that this holiday, ages and ages ago, was most likely pagan; choosing to be deeply offended that the secular world, quite possibly, is taking back what was theirs to begin with. Excellent article here with more in depth information on the birth of Christ and Christmas

For me, this period of feasting is about many things. It's about a young girl who believed God more than I think I would have had the courage to. This same girl nursed the Savior of all, changed Him, cuddled Him, comforted Him, and raised Him. It's about a man who loved her and God, in a most profoundly beautiful way. It's about people who risked it all just to lay eyes on this human being that was anxiously awaited. It's about God stripping Himself down to become one of the very creatures He had created, in order to save them. It's about giving all of ourselves to something bigger than we could have ever hoped for or imagined. It's about teaching my children that the most extravagant gifts come in the most unexpected packages and places. It's about heart's breaking to see someone hungry and walk right by them. It's about looking at the world with the same set of eyes that God used to send His Son to save us.

I believe, this season should be spent pondering these things and examining ourselves. If we were called to throw every thing down on the line (our livelihood, our bodies, what everyone we know thinks about us, etc etc) what would WE actually do? Would we risk it all? Or would we reject the call? In the words of my daughter's Opthalmologist: "Pick up that phone! When you get that call, it is very important!"

Jake

You know that scene in I Am Legen where Will Smith's character is grieving the death of Sam, the dog? I can wholly relate to that emotion. In fact, I am quite certain that when the dog pictured above, Jake, goes to heaven, I will grieve for ages. I will break in to a thousand little pieces. You see Jake, is the four-legged-love-of-my-life.

When I was a kid, I had the pleasure of being introduced to a family that would forever change my life. I met that family because they had a dog that I believed was a wolf. His name was Buck and he was an Alaskan Malamute (wolf-looking to pretty much any kiddo). Buck introduced me to the wonderful world of loving a dog. I remember laying all over this dog when he would take a nap by the window of the entry way. I remember the giant hole that he dug underneath his doghouse. I remember the comfort that he gave when you needed it. He simply was, the greatest dog.

Buck showed me that an animal can massively impact your life. I honestly believed that it was a one of a kind experience. I never thought I'd love another dog like I loved Buck. And then I met Jake.

We met Jake when we went to the pound to rescue a dog. There had been a lot of break-ins in our neighborhood and since we rented our home, we could not install an alarm system. When we walked in, we went right to a beautiful German Shepherd. Lolli was immediately interested in that dog. We never even saw Jake. The staff said the GS was off limits (apparently there was a dispute over the dog in a divorce, so the court ordered him to dog-prison while it got sorted out), but suggested we look at this chocolate lab. Jake didn't even budge an inch when we walked up to his cage (maybe that's why we didn't notice him). I think he was incredibly depressed (who wouldn't be?) and had maybe given up hope. You see his friend (that came in with him) was put down because he was a pitbull. Jake lost his friend and his family all in one day.

We asked to take Jake out to the yard to see how he connected with us. The second he was off the leash and in the yard, he. went. wild. He was running around like a mad man. You could hardly get him to respond in any way to anything you said. He was SO happy to be free! How could a person who just gave birth to triplets, who had been caged to a couch for seven months, not relate to this? I called him over and did the standard if-I-torture-you-like-a-kid-might-what-are-you-going-to-do test and he passed with flying colors. He didn't even bat an eye when I pulled his ears! Home with us, he came.

He loved me immediately. He would listen to me, was stuck to my side almost constantly, and would destroy all of my items (clothes mostly) when he was left alone. He hated when I left him. He chewed through countless pairs of my underwear, pants, shorts, socks, shirts, and on and on. Basically if it smelled like me, he would ruin it. But, he never once stepped foot in the triplets or Lolli's rooms, never chewed on their toys, and listen incredibly well. He was smart, eager, and loving.

When we moved from our last duty station, we kenneled him for one night so that the movers wouldn't have him underfoot. When I dropped him off, they almost had to sedate him. He was panicking with his whole life to get to me. It broke my heart. Then when I went to pick him up, he was so mad at me for two days. He wouldn't greet me, and he intentionally ignored me. He. was. pissed!

Over the years, he has maintained his steadfast devotion to me. When I've gone out of town, Chief says he's inconsolable, wandering around the house like he's lost. He is always at my feet. He could be immersed in play or any other activity, but the second I call his name, he's right up to me, or half in my lap (he won't ever climb all the way in to my lap. I believe it's because he doesn't want to hurt me). Even if he's eating his food, he'll stop eating if I call him.

This dog knows when I'm sad, and does everything he can to comfort me. He knows when I'm sick and he'll put his whole body against me to make me feel warm. He is completely self sacrificing when others are suffering. There was one night when he and Flawful outside to go to the bathroom and it was really cold. Jake wrapped his body around her to keep her warm, while he was freezing. He came in the house and bolted toward me. He was so cold he was shaking. I of course, wrapped my comforter and my whole body around him until he was warm (and then proceeded to get upset that somehow we didn't notice how cold it was). Flawful was completely warm.

This dog gets me. He's never been afraid of me, or intimidated by me. He loves me wholly and completely.

So I tell you, when he goes away to heaven I will be a complete basket case. I will probably wander around the house like I'm lost. He is the four-legged-love-of-my-life. He is my furry soul mate.

Break up

You abandoned me. There was all this talk for months and months about how we were a group that would "always be friends". I heard over and over "You're my best friends". But the simple truth was that when my world changed, and my heart was broken, and when my world was falling apart and beginning again, you were nowhere to be found.

It hurt. It makes me angry. I resent you for it. I wanted things to be different than they are.

I know that us becoming Catholic was, in your opinion, us becoming toxic water. You resisted it, you hated it. And you hated him and resented him for being a friend that I connected to more than you. It was obvious. The jealousy whenever he was around. The eye rolls when I would say what he'd taught me. I make no apologies for having someone come into my life who helped my family find Truth. I also make no apologies that he and I are more similar than I am with you. I wish it did not result in the break up of our relationship, but I suppose I can't help that.

It's maddening because I actually miss you. And I shouldn't. Anyone who abandons you because of what you believe, because of the hurts you are experiencing, should not be missed. But you are. And I suppose one day I'll forget about you and move on. I suppose one day this won't ache anymore. But in the now, it does.

I can't get no satisfaction

There are moments where you just really need to get up at five am with your husband. Moments where you need to lay down on the couch, ear to his chest, and fall asleep to his heartbeat. There are moments where the only time comfort comes is in that place, in that experience, where you know that your hearts are beating in unison... They are beating as one.

The last few months have been wrought with emotional roller coasters. I feel like it's been an endless array of the platform on which I'm standing dropping lower, becoming content in it, and then it dropping again. The cycle keeps coming and I'm growing weary.

There are moments when I envy the simple mindedness that others seem to enjoy. There are moments when I wish the complicated experiences that I carry around in my head would just go away. There are moments when I wish I could be someone other than who I am.

But isn't that really how it is for everyone? Don't we all look around at the lives of others and think they've got it better? The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.

When I look around at what I have I feel like sucker punching myself. I am blessed beyond words. I have so much more than I ever hoped, imagined, envisioned, and prayed for. And the real truth is that if it wasn't for Chief, I'd probably be dead. I was dead for so long before he came. Sure people would come in and out of the picture with their CPR machines and their attempts at reviving my dead heart. And maybe it would beat for a while but it always went right back to where it was. Until he came. And then everything changed. I started feeling things I'd never felt before. I started to see the world in different colors and my whole vision of my future changed. He made my heart beat because it wanted to. Not because he begged it to.

I can honestly say that every time I look over at him I think wow. I feel breathless. And to have one human being who is capable of quieting the voices in my mind... well that's priceless.

Our kids are pretty awesome. And they surprise me at completely random times. Take today, for instance, the trips aced their schoolwork. Almost every single day they fight and resist me in every way possible. But today? Nope! They were on their A games and they rocked it. That was really cool.

They do amazing and kind things for each other, most often when no one is looking or paying attention. Yes, they fight like crazy, but then I'll walk down the hallway and catch Charchee saying to Brun Here sister! You should have this Barbie because she's the prettiest and you are beautiful. That's what I get to experience every day.

I have this dog who completely gets me. He gets when I need to be left alone and when I need to be loved on. He knows when I need to be distracted and he does it. He's my four legged soul mate. And I often say (and believe) that he's the four-legged-love-of-my-life.

And yet with all these amazing aspects of my life, I still have moments of dissatisfaction. I still struggle with wanting something else, or something more. I still look at other people's lives and think wow, they have it so easy. It's a sickness really. It's this irritating aspect of myself where I am completely in denial about how awesome the life I have is.

But I can honestly tell you, I have moments where I need to get up at five am, put my ear to his chest, listen to his heartbeat and fall asleep. There are moments where that's the only time I feel any sort of comfort. And that's okay.

Ace

It was a crazy period of my life. Every thing was sort of disintegrating and I lost my footing. For that period of time, the falling seemed to never stop. As soon as I thought I'd hit rock bottom it would get deeper. As soon as I thought it couldn't get any worse, it would.

You were thrown into my lap by the guilty conscience of the SOB whose name is tattooed on my mind. His markings came and went and I am grateful that I don't remember his face anymore. But the scars are evident. They ache sometimes, though those are fewer and farther apart as the years go by.

You told me you were the cleaner. He'd make a mess and you'd get sent in to fix what he broke. You didn't reckon you'd fall in love with me. I didn't reckon you'd make me feel much of anything. I was so numb. I was in such denial. But there you were in the midst of the complete chaotic moments of my life and all of a sudden I had some one that I believed in.

It was so stupid to be so stupidly in love. It was so foolish to think that it would actually take us anywhere. We were young and naive and all-in. The crazy thing is that I still, to this day, can't pinpoint exactly why I was so desperate for you or why we both were so harmed by that period of time where we were together.

So much of the ins and outs have faded away now. When I look back on it, I usually smile. It was a time when I needed someone and you were there. It was a time when I was a complete nutcase and you still stuck around. It was a time where I felt toxic and hideous and unattainable and you stood firm like a rock while I crashed up against you over and over again.

It was also the most painful goodbye I ever experienced. And you called me a few weeks later on my birthday. I remember shaking and sobbing uncontrollably when the call ended. I was curled up in a bawl for a year over you. I cried more than I ever cried about anything, over you. Saying goodbye to you hurt.

The truth was that we just didn't have it in us to love each other the ways that were needed. There weren't any good guys or bad guys. There was just two people who had the ability to see the good in each other, but not the skills required to love each other peacefully.

I still think about you some times. I still think about how hard I loved you, and that some part of me always will.