Here we sit, again. Me verses the avalanches of emotions that come rushing down. Me verses the military, me verses the hurt. And it's the reality of this life. I get to constantly dive in to the depths of the angst I spent a good portion of my younger days pretending to avoid. It's what keeps me around, isn't it baby? Isn't this the reason I dove in to begin with? I needed the cuts that this life dishes out so smoothly, so addictively, so constantly.
Like a drug I married myself to it. I've always hated to be afraid of something. Maybe that's the reasoning behind it. I feared loneliness. I feared solitude. I feared losing control. And I married all of that. Maybe it was my brain's way of unwrapping the coils of those chains from my neck. Maybe this whole thing happened just so I could prove to myself that I was over it, undefeated. Unconquerable.
But damnit it you win every freaking time. I'm a puddle of tears and I'm a weepy, sappy, annoying as all get out chick. I'm whisked away every five seconds by sorrow. I'm becoming increasingly "female", increasingly fragile. Maybe it's my old age that's taking away all of my harshness. Maybe time has swept in and taken away my balls. Or maybe wisdom revealed the uselessness of armor.
I feel a thousand times like I'm drowning. I feel a million times more like the only times I know that I'm breathing, I know that I'm living, are when you are a part of my daily picture. I know on that day I will begin holding my breath, begin pretending. I'm fine. Doing well. SO supportive. One day down.... The drought will begin.
I told you tonight that I would hate you every single day of this. You told me that I already do. True story. But hate is just the lie that love tells itself over and over again so it doesn't have to feel the hurt of it. Hate is just love misdirected, like anger. And the truth is I don't think my brain has the capability of hating you. The reality is that you are my oxygen, as sick as that sounds. The constant is that soul mates are real because you're mine. The truth is that I've died too many times to keep score anymore, and I'll continue to because that's what this Love means as far as I know it.
I'm over here bracing for the storm about to come crashing in. I know what I'm facing. I know what's coming. And I'm angry. But mostly just sad.
You've always made me conquer my weaknesses. You've always made me find the deeper thresholds within myself that I never knew or believed were possible. You've forced me to walk through the valley of the shadow of death. And you've shown me that it won't take me down.
I've got to tell you Chief, we're going to be okay. I don't doubt it in the slightest. But I hate you for doing it. I really do.
