Have you ever noticed how it can seem that ten thousand things go wrong at once? I could sit here and complain about forty things that are frustrating, and exhausting, and draining. I could tell you about all of the situations that make me scared or angry or eager...eager for answers. Eager to know more is probably a better way to phrase it.
I have been finding that lately God is putting me in unknown situations. I think He wants me to learn about one hundred percent reliance on Him for ALL things. I have already been learning about how deeply and truly our DAILY bread is dependent on Him. I've been learning this with the complete and utter demise of my digestive system. And as I learn more about how inefficiently my stomach is working, I can see all the more how He is graciously working to give me energy and comfort. You might be surprised to discover how you truly can function on weeks of only pieces of toast a day. We're talking 2-4, not a loaf. I have jokingly stated that my husband must've prayed to God that I would lose weight, and God is answering him by making it so I can't eat! :)
Okay, I digress (a common theme on here). Every single moment, every single breath, every single second...my life is COMPLETELY dependent on God's grace. Any second my life could fade away. It only takes a second for your heart to attack, or your brain to stroke, or a terrible virus to invade, or thousands of other situations. Life is weak. It's REALLY weak.
I have to admit, I HATE not knowing. It is out of my comfort zone. I am a planner and a worrier, and I want to know the outcome of all situations (or at least possible outcomes and how to handle them). My sweet friend has reminded me many times that Jesus must be exhausted in my mind with all the running around and psychoanalyzing I do. She always cuts through the nonsense and says: OBEY. So I am trying to do that.
The Bible tells us to praise God and to be THANKFUL for all trials (which include, frustrating situations, arguments, fights, depressions, sicknesses, irritants, joyous occasions, etc etc etc), because THROUGH them we learn perseverance and hope and are shaped and molded in to a better image of Christ. I will admit to you that I am still too weak of a human being to ask God to send me trials. I am still too child-like in my faith to have so deep a trust and joy in Christ to actually ask Him to challenge me with what life brings. But, I can tell you, that the whiny aspect of myself seems to be slowly disappearing. So much so, that she is sort of becoming a shadow on the wall, instead of the stone statue in my living room. In the trials that I am in now, I have cried, I've been angry, I have hurt...but I'm not asking God to take them away. I know they are here for a reason. And I am excited to see the outcome that will be brought forth from me, through them.
God is good. He is SO good. And He is in control. He owes me NO answers. He is the CREATOR. What right do I have to question and complain? I surrender myself. I am His...to do with as He pleases. And may God make my mouth always say that, and make my heart always feel it.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Deep in Love
I am not really sure how to begin this post. I do not have some catchy one liner or some silly story to tell. My heart is filled with emotion. My spirit is aching and hungry and yet filled at the same time. I am afraid of my self.
2 Peter 1.5-11 reads like this: "Now for this very reason also, applying all diligence, in your faith supply moral excellence, and in your moral excellence, knowledge, and in your knowledge, self-control, and in your self-control, perseverance, and in your perseverance, godliness, and in your godliness, brotherly kindness, and in your brotherly kindness, love. For if these qualities are yours and are increasing, they render you neither useless nor unfruitful in the true knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. For he who lacks these qualities is blind or short-sighted, having forgotten his purification from his former sins. Therefore, brethren, be all the more diligent to make certain about His calling and choosing you; for as long as you practice these things, you will never stumble; for in this way the entrance into the eternal kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ will be abundantly supplied to you."
You might be sitting there wondering, why is this chick afraid of her self and then putting a bunch of Bible verses up here in front of my face? I am afraid of myself, because these verses FORCE a giant mirror to be held up in front of myself.... Am I doing these things in increasing ways? Am I being diligent to make certain about His calling and CHOOSING me!? Am I practicing these things?
Practicing is such a tricky word, especially in our society today. We seem to consider an active passion of anything "religious" to be "ridiculous" or "closed minded." We have such an attitude that a DEEP passion for Jesus Christ means we are filled with hatred and judgmentalism. Where do these perspectives come from? How do I contribute to the perspective that people have of Christ? Am I of the heart of obedience? Do I listen with a firm ear to the guidance that the Holy Spirit gives me? Am I QUICK to obey, and slow to question?
I have been learning a hard lesson this past week: to obey the Holy Spirit. You see, I have discovered recently that while I passionately am growing in my love and adoration for Christ and God the Father, I have completely forgotten about this HUGE power that has been poured in to me: the Holy Spirit. I have forgotten about the Holy Spirit's power, diligence, leadership, direction. I have not listened to the Holy Spirit's leading in my heart. I have not tuned my ears to God's direction. So He's been taking me on this little journey: do this, go here, finish this, write that, BE silent...All these baby steps in teaching me to hear His voice and obey.
I was asked this week, "How do you know it's God's direction and not satan?" I answered that question by stating that God is ALWAYS bigger than satan. And that nothing satan can propose or try to make happen can thwart or change the plans of God. But this week, the Holy Spirit led me to some beautiful verses: John 10.27-29 "My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me; and I give eternal life to them, and they will never perish; and no one will snatch them out of My hand. My Father, who has given them to Me, is greater than all; and no one is able to snatch them out of the Father's hand."
I love how these verses are SO clear. When you are God's, you KNOW His voice. You don't question, you don't wonder, you don't worry...you KNOW. This kicks right back to those words that made me afraid of my self in the beginning of this post: I am certain of His calling and choosing me, by applying ALL DILIGENCE to my faith, moral excellence, knowledge, self control, perseverance, godliness, brotherly kindness, and love. All diligence means ALL PASSION. Am I putting forth PASSION to do these things that God has commanded me? Do I find the peace and assurance of salvation from these things?
This question has led me to ask another one: in WHAT do I put my passion? What does passion look like for me? Am I a passionate wife? Am I a passionate mother? Daughter? Sister? Friend? I am clearly not an athlete, so I can't say I'm passionate about a sport. Am I passionate about singing, writing, eating? Where do I place my passion? I have to be honest with you, it certainly hasn't been in doing all of those beautiful things that God laid out for me in 2 Peter.
My heart feels broken. I feel sad. I desperately want Christ to meet me at His gates with a huge grin on His face and a big party hat and maybe one of those noise maker things with confetti and maybe some music and be like, WOOHOOOO!
You see I am learning more and more, that Christianity isn't easy. It isn't a cake walk, and something I can just casually skim over. I am learning about the level of depth and hard work that is required. Don't get me wrong, I am anxious and eager to grow and change and be an even clearer reflection of Jesus Christ. But I have to be honest, and confess, that I WANT to be liked. I struggle deeply with not wanting to be hated. And Christ makes it very clear that the more I look like Him, the more the world will hate me, because they first hated Him.
My heart aches for Christ. And I fear my sinful nature. I fear my selfishness and my stupidity and immaturity. I fear my blindness. I fear my short sightedness. I fear my heart and head forgetting about the ETERNAL nature that is in store. I pray that God will never let me forget the calling and choosing that He has given to me.
This post feels so heavy. It isn't cheery and chipper and fun and silly. The Bible says I will be known to be His, by my fruit. I am compelled to ask myself...what fruit have I grown?
I feel the only way to close out this post is with a worship song that my heart adores. I am currently listening to it as I write this post. I will leave you with the words to the song.
Deep in Love with You
Sitting at Your feet is where I want to be
I'm home when I am here with You
Ruined by Your grace, enamored by Your gaze
I can't resist the tenderness in You
I'm deep in love with You, Abba Father
I'm deep in love with You, Lord
My heart, it beats for You, precious Jesus
I'm deep in love with You Lord
Humbled and amazed that You would call my name
I never have to search again
There's a deep desire that's burning like a fire
To know You as my closest friend
Lord, my redeemer, Your blood runs through my veins
My love for You is deeper than it was yesterday
I enter through the curtain, parted by Your grace
Oh, Your the lover of my soul
2 Peter 1.5-11 reads like this: "Now for this very reason also, applying all diligence, in your faith supply moral excellence, and in your moral excellence, knowledge, and in your knowledge, self-control, and in your self-control, perseverance, and in your perseverance, godliness, and in your godliness, brotherly kindness, and in your brotherly kindness, love. For if these qualities are yours and are increasing, they render you neither useless nor unfruitful in the true knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. For he who lacks these qualities is blind or short-sighted, having forgotten his purification from his former sins. Therefore, brethren, be all the more diligent to make certain about His calling and choosing you; for as long as you practice these things, you will never stumble; for in this way the entrance into the eternal kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ will be abundantly supplied to you."
You might be sitting there wondering, why is this chick afraid of her self and then putting a bunch of Bible verses up here in front of my face? I am afraid of myself, because these verses FORCE a giant mirror to be held up in front of myself.... Am I doing these things in increasing ways? Am I being diligent to make certain about His calling and CHOOSING me!? Am I practicing these things?
Practicing is such a tricky word, especially in our society today. We seem to consider an active passion of anything "religious" to be "ridiculous" or "closed minded." We have such an attitude that a DEEP passion for Jesus Christ means we are filled with hatred and judgmentalism. Where do these perspectives come from? How do I contribute to the perspective that people have of Christ? Am I of the heart of obedience? Do I listen with a firm ear to the guidance that the Holy Spirit gives me? Am I QUICK to obey, and slow to question?
I have been learning a hard lesson this past week: to obey the Holy Spirit. You see, I have discovered recently that while I passionately am growing in my love and adoration for Christ and God the Father, I have completely forgotten about this HUGE power that has been poured in to me: the Holy Spirit. I have forgotten about the Holy Spirit's power, diligence, leadership, direction. I have not listened to the Holy Spirit's leading in my heart. I have not tuned my ears to God's direction. So He's been taking me on this little journey: do this, go here, finish this, write that, BE silent...All these baby steps in teaching me to hear His voice and obey.
I was asked this week, "How do you know it's God's direction and not satan?" I answered that question by stating that God is ALWAYS bigger than satan. And that nothing satan can propose or try to make happen can thwart or change the plans of God. But this week, the Holy Spirit led me to some beautiful verses: John 10.27-29 "My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me; and I give eternal life to them, and they will never perish; and no one will snatch them out of My hand. My Father, who has given them to Me, is greater than all; and no one is able to snatch them out of the Father's hand."
I love how these verses are SO clear. When you are God's, you KNOW His voice. You don't question, you don't wonder, you don't worry...you KNOW. This kicks right back to those words that made me afraid of my self in the beginning of this post: I am certain of His calling and choosing me, by applying ALL DILIGENCE to my faith, moral excellence, knowledge, self control, perseverance, godliness, brotherly kindness, and love. All diligence means ALL PASSION. Am I putting forth PASSION to do these things that God has commanded me? Do I find the peace and assurance of salvation from these things?
This question has led me to ask another one: in WHAT do I put my passion? What does passion look like for me? Am I a passionate wife? Am I a passionate mother? Daughter? Sister? Friend? I am clearly not an athlete, so I can't say I'm passionate about a sport. Am I passionate about singing, writing, eating? Where do I place my passion? I have to be honest with you, it certainly hasn't been in doing all of those beautiful things that God laid out for me in 2 Peter.
My heart feels broken. I feel sad. I desperately want Christ to meet me at His gates with a huge grin on His face and a big party hat and maybe one of those noise maker things with confetti and maybe some music and be like, WOOHOOOO!
You see I am learning more and more, that Christianity isn't easy. It isn't a cake walk, and something I can just casually skim over. I am learning about the level of depth and hard work that is required. Don't get me wrong, I am anxious and eager to grow and change and be an even clearer reflection of Jesus Christ. But I have to be honest, and confess, that I WANT to be liked. I struggle deeply with not wanting to be hated. And Christ makes it very clear that the more I look like Him, the more the world will hate me, because they first hated Him.
My heart aches for Christ. And I fear my sinful nature. I fear my selfishness and my stupidity and immaturity. I fear my blindness. I fear my short sightedness. I fear my heart and head forgetting about the ETERNAL nature that is in store. I pray that God will never let me forget the calling and choosing that He has given to me.
This post feels so heavy. It isn't cheery and chipper and fun and silly. The Bible says I will be known to be His, by my fruit. I am compelled to ask myself...what fruit have I grown?
I feel the only way to close out this post is with a worship song that my heart adores. I am currently listening to it as I write this post. I will leave you with the words to the song.
Deep in Love with You
Sitting at Your feet is where I want to be
I'm home when I am here with You
Ruined by Your grace, enamored by Your gaze
I can't resist the tenderness in You
I'm deep in love with You, Abba Father
I'm deep in love with You, Lord
My heart, it beats for You, precious Jesus
I'm deep in love with You Lord
Humbled and amazed that You would call my name
I never have to search again
There's a deep desire that's burning like a fire
To know You as my closest friend
Lord, my redeemer, Your blood runs through my veins
My love for You is deeper than it was yesterday
I enter through the curtain, parted by Your grace
Oh, Your the lover of my soul
Monday, February 22, 2010
reflection
It is almost the end of our year long, what feels like ten thousandth, deployment. As I reflect back on the past year, I am struck by how differently I feel... how different my perception is.
I love my husband. I know it's the hugely stereotypical, sentimental thing for army wives to say when their husband's are gone. But in my heart, it exceeds my human capabilities. I love him deeper and more than I am humanly capable of. I love him almost more than I love myself. I wish I could say with complete honesty that I love him more than myself, but lets face it: that's exceptionally difficult to do. But I could sincerely say that I love him more than I have known myself to be able to love anyone. I love him, as much as I love myself.
I believe that so few people have seen the man that is in him. So few people have seen the way that the Light shines out from him. So few people have experienced the depth that is in him. He continues to surprise me and amaze me, even after having known him and loved him for over nine years. I love learning about him. I love hearing him. I love watching him.
Now before you get all nervous like I'm some love stalker...I mean watching him through the webcam on Skype.
I'm sure by now you're going...look lady...you started off this post reflecting on the past year, and now you've apparently dived right in to some love sonata to your husband...Where's the reflection!? To you I would say, yes. I got side tracked, and I apologize.
This past year I have learned more about loving God. I am still a work in progress. In no way would I sit here and tell you that I've got the monopoly on Jesus knowledge or point fingers to myself as some wonderful example of Him. I am a terrible "Christian". I put quotation marks around the word Christian, because I much prefer to call myself a Christ lover, than Christian. I think Christians today are stagnated and finding themselves immersed in religiosity much more so than a love and adoration of Christ. Not that I'm judging. Just observing. I have learned more about freedom than I could ever understand.
You might be sitting there going, please explain to me where you get freedom and Christ, and how you put those two together in one paragraph. To you I would gladly respond: It's because there is no such thing as freedom WITHOUT Christ. You are permanently attached to something. Always. You are NEVER completely freed from anything. You're always either wrong or right, or wrong and right at the same time, or loving, hating, annoying, being annoyed, attached, aloof, awake, asleep. You are always connected. And don't think because you're sad or frustrated with life and completely immersed in some melodrama that exempts you from the laws of physics. Until you die, you are permanently attached to SOMETHING in this world. Your choice lies in this: to what do you attach yourself? Or maybe the better way to word it, is to WHOM are you attached? Everything walking the face, or growing on the face of, or residing on the face of this planet will one day let you down. People will hurt you, television will have power outages (or signal outages), technology breaks, people don't answer the phone, pain just comes. But Jesus Christ will NEVER hurt you. He will never wake up some Monday morning in a sour mood and snap at you and tell you that you really look like trash. He will never not embrace you when given the chance. He will never ignore your requests for attention. Instead he will always trust, always hope, always persevere. He is always patient, and kind. He always rejoices with the truth. He NEVER fails. And where there are words, they will be silenced. Where there are miracles, they will end. Where there is action, it will be stilled. Where there is rain and fog, it will pass away. But He WILL remain.
So as I reflect on my past year...I suppose the greatest difference that I can see in me, is Him. A year ago I was focused on myself: fighting for myself, defending myself, taking care of myself. And now..I think I'm less focused on myself, and more focused on Him. I hope to tell you next year that has changed even more. I hope to even more deeply in love with Christ.
So how does all this connect with that mushy stuff I said about my husband? The more I love Christ, the more I love my husband. The more I love Christ, the more my heart softens and molds and melts in to my husband. And the less I fear rejection, abandonment, or heartache. The more free I am to love others.
I love my husband. I know it's the hugely stereotypical, sentimental thing for army wives to say when their husband's are gone. But in my heart, it exceeds my human capabilities. I love him deeper and more than I am humanly capable of. I love him almost more than I love myself. I wish I could say with complete honesty that I love him more than myself, but lets face it: that's exceptionally difficult to do. But I could sincerely say that I love him more than I have known myself to be able to love anyone. I love him, as much as I love myself.
I believe that so few people have seen the man that is in him. So few people have seen the way that the Light shines out from him. So few people have experienced the depth that is in him. He continues to surprise me and amaze me, even after having known him and loved him for over nine years. I love learning about him. I love hearing him. I love watching him.
Now before you get all nervous like I'm some love stalker...I mean watching him through the webcam on Skype.
I'm sure by now you're going...look lady...you started off this post reflecting on the past year, and now you've apparently dived right in to some love sonata to your husband...Where's the reflection!? To you I would say, yes. I got side tracked, and I apologize.
This past year I have learned more about loving God. I am still a work in progress. In no way would I sit here and tell you that I've got the monopoly on Jesus knowledge or point fingers to myself as some wonderful example of Him. I am a terrible "Christian". I put quotation marks around the word Christian, because I much prefer to call myself a Christ lover, than Christian. I think Christians today are stagnated and finding themselves immersed in religiosity much more so than a love and adoration of Christ. Not that I'm judging. Just observing. I have learned more about freedom than I could ever understand.
You might be sitting there going, please explain to me where you get freedom and Christ, and how you put those two together in one paragraph. To you I would gladly respond: It's because there is no such thing as freedom WITHOUT Christ. You are permanently attached to something. Always. You are NEVER completely freed from anything. You're always either wrong or right, or wrong and right at the same time, or loving, hating, annoying, being annoyed, attached, aloof, awake, asleep. You are always connected. And don't think because you're sad or frustrated with life and completely immersed in some melodrama that exempts you from the laws of physics. Until you die, you are permanently attached to SOMETHING in this world. Your choice lies in this: to what do you attach yourself? Or maybe the better way to word it, is to WHOM are you attached? Everything walking the face, or growing on the face of, or residing on the face of this planet will one day let you down. People will hurt you, television will have power outages (or signal outages), technology breaks, people don't answer the phone, pain just comes. But Jesus Christ will NEVER hurt you. He will never wake up some Monday morning in a sour mood and snap at you and tell you that you really look like trash. He will never not embrace you when given the chance. He will never ignore your requests for attention. Instead he will always trust, always hope, always persevere. He is always patient, and kind. He always rejoices with the truth. He NEVER fails. And where there are words, they will be silenced. Where there are miracles, they will end. Where there is action, it will be stilled. Where there is rain and fog, it will pass away. But He WILL remain.
So as I reflect on my past year...I suppose the greatest difference that I can see in me, is Him. A year ago I was focused on myself: fighting for myself, defending myself, taking care of myself. And now..I think I'm less focused on myself, and more focused on Him. I hope to tell you next year that has changed even more. I hope to even more deeply in love with Christ.
So how does all this connect with that mushy stuff I said about my husband? The more I love Christ, the more I love my husband. The more I love Christ, the more my heart softens and molds and melts in to my husband. And the less I fear rejection, abandonment, or heartache. The more free I am to love others.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
ugly
It has been a hard night. This evening I have felt ugly. I'm not talking ugly in the physical sense, I'm talking ugly in the emotional sense. I have just FELT ugly. I haven't felt loving, or silly, or kind. Instead I've felt withdrawn and irritable, and annoyed: ugly. I guess I'd have to say my level of emotional ugliness started with the dog. She peed. On the floor. Also pooped. Twice. For NO reason. She's not sick. She had just come in from outside on both occasions. I think she simply just felt like upsetting me. Now, now. Don't shake your head at me and say that dogs aren't like that. You simply do not know this dog. She has an attitude bigger than I have ever imagined. Heaven forbid you should put her in her dog crate. If you do, she will make you pay. She's just that way.
After what I can only irritatingly call foofee gate, my children ALL peed in their clothes, on the floor, knocked their toddler potties full of fresh waste on the floor, spilled my milk on the couch, and made mess after mess after mess. I know that they're kids and that accidents happen. I wasn't angry at them. I was angry with the situation. I could feel my blood pressure starting to rise with each "incident" until I finally said to the kids: "Kids. I need you to go to your room. I am upset. I will come and get you when I calm down." So off they went. To be honest, at the time I didn't notice how nice it was that they actually complied. I was too upset to notice they did what I asked without an argument. Only now that I am writing this do I see how sweet that gift was.
As the night wore on, I found myself counting down the minutes until bedtime. I hate when I do that. I hate hearing those mothers whine and complain about their children. It seriously gets under my skin. I'm not naive, kids get on nerves. It just happens. But there are those mothers who constantly go on and on about how annoying their kids are, and how much they can't wait for their kids to go to bed, or whatever else they dislike. My perspective is this: you decided to have them, so get over it! I normally am not counting down for the kids to go to bed. I love being with my children. They have ways of making me laugh in almost all circumstances. I am so thankful to God for them. But today, I just wanted to be alone. Now as I sit here, they're all in bed, and I'm missing them. I didn't enjoy them tonight. They laughed and giggled and danced and sang, and I did not participate because I was feeling ugly. Those are moments that I can never repeat, and never bring back. They're gone, and I chose not to appreciate them.
I guess my point is that I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I didn't engage, didn't participate, didn't dance and laugh and sing and giggle. Even ONE night of not doing those things is important. My children know that I love them, and of course they were taken care of tonight. My heart just wasn't in the good stuff. I am sorry that I wasted my night wanting what I couldn't have: my husband here. I am sorry that instead of enjoying the gift our children, I curled up on the couch. I am thankful that tomorrow I get another chance to enjoy them. I am glad that I get another day of silliness and laughing with them.
After what I can only irritatingly call foofee gate, my children ALL peed in their clothes, on the floor, knocked their toddler potties full of fresh waste on the floor, spilled my milk on the couch, and made mess after mess after mess. I know that they're kids and that accidents happen. I wasn't angry at them. I was angry with the situation. I could feel my blood pressure starting to rise with each "incident" until I finally said to the kids: "Kids. I need you to go to your room. I am upset. I will come and get you when I calm down." So off they went. To be honest, at the time I didn't notice how nice it was that they actually complied. I was too upset to notice they did what I asked without an argument. Only now that I am writing this do I see how sweet that gift was.
As the night wore on, I found myself counting down the minutes until bedtime. I hate when I do that. I hate hearing those mothers whine and complain about their children. It seriously gets under my skin. I'm not naive, kids get on nerves. It just happens. But there are those mothers who constantly go on and on about how annoying their kids are, and how much they can't wait for their kids to go to bed, or whatever else they dislike. My perspective is this: you decided to have them, so get over it! I normally am not counting down for the kids to go to bed. I love being with my children. They have ways of making me laugh in almost all circumstances. I am so thankful to God for them. But today, I just wanted to be alone. Now as I sit here, they're all in bed, and I'm missing them. I didn't enjoy them tonight. They laughed and giggled and danced and sang, and I did not participate because I was feeling ugly. Those are moments that I can never repeat, and never bring back. They're gone, and I chose not to appreciate them.
I guess my point is that I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I didn't engage, didn't participate, didn't dance and laugh and sing and giggle. Even ONE night of not doing those things is important. My children know that I love them, and of course they were taken care of tonight. My heart just wasn't in the good stuff. I am sorry that I wasted my night wanting what I couldn't have: my husband here. I am sorry that instead of enjoying the gift our children, I curled up on the couch. I am thankful that tomorrow I get another chance to enjoy them. I am glad that I get another day of silliness and laughing with them.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
food
Recently I was in the Emergency room for what I can only call one of the worst bouts of pain I have ever had in my life. Of course, it is entirely possible that I am just trying to be dramatic on here. I will say, however, that the intensity level was so severe that I called 911 for fear that I was dying. Yes folks... it was THAT bad. So after several hours sitting in an ER where the only thing they did was draw my blood, and the pain going away, then starting to come back again, I was sent home.
I probably should've prefaced the whole story by saying that when I was pregnant with my first child, I was diagnosed with an ulcer. However, I overlooked the necessity for giving that information until now, and I am including it here. I will tell you though, this pain was nothing on the level of that situation. First of all, with my ulcer, I didn't really have stomach aches, I just threw up. A LOT. No food was interested in staying in my body. It was only when I started throwing up large amounts of blood that the realized it wasn't baby nausea, but was rather something serious. They treated the ulcer, and I have been on Nexium ever since (it's a delightful drug).
I came home from my ER adventure with a determined mind. I was going to try to fix my stomach issues with my food. I did research and started putting my focus back on to my fabulous "ulcer" diet: bland. No fat, no fiber, and NO whole grains. That's right...I said NO whole grains. Pick your jaw up off the floor, but here's a little tidbit most people don't know about whole grains: your stomach hates them. Whole grains require much more work to digest, so if you are having stomach issues (gall stones, ulcers, gastritis) it's useful to get rid of them. To be honest, it's useful to not eat much bread of any sort with stomach issues, but if you absolutely MUST eat something, word on the street is that you should eat WHITE bread.
So I have obeyed the storyline passionately. I have been eating for the most part, only boiled chicken (little bit of salt), salad, fresh fruit (but no berries, and obviously no citrus fruits), non fat yogurt (the trick is finding a kind you like, especially since I have NEVER cared for the stuff), and low fat cottage cheese (I just couldn't bring myself to stomach the non fat. Don't judge me). So far, I have been able to sustain this diet for a couple of weeks. Wait for it...if you're bored by this whole diet talk just wait...here comes the kicker. I have NEVER felt better than I've been feeling lately. I have more energy, my mind feels clearer, and I don't feel so depressed and bogged down. Something else that has surprised me is that I also actually ENJOY the food. My wonderful friend wrote in her blog that in order to start to like certain foods, sometimes we have to train ourselves to like them. I have always enjoyed my vegetables, but I've always "enjoyed" them with oodles of butter or salt or pepper. I had never really cared for them in their good old fashioned, just plucked from the earth, sort of way. But now I LOVE them! I crave salads all the time. There is nothing like eating a rainbow salad. It just tastes good. And I will also say that it certainly doesn't hurt that I've lost four pounds this week.
I have no idea how long I will be able to maintain this type of eating. Hopefully forever. I have tired of having constant stomach aches and the problems that go along with them. And in the last two weeks, I haven't had a single one of them. It's been nice. Maybe I have finally kissed stomach pains goodbye. We shall have to see!
I probably should've prefaced the whole story by saying that when I was pregnant with my first child, I was diagnosed with an ulcer. However, I overlooked the necessity for giving that information until now, and I am including it here. I will tell you though, this pain was nothing on the level of that situation. First of all, with my ulcer, I didn't really have stomach aches, I just threw up. A LOT. No food was interested in staying in my body. It was only when I started throwing up large amounts of blood that the realized it wasn't baby nausea, but was rather something serious. They treated the ulcer, and I have been on Nexium ever since (it's a delightful drug).
I came home from my ER adventure with a determined mind. I was going to try to fix my stomach issues with my food. I did research and started putting my focus back on to my fabulous "ulcer" diet: bland. No fat, no fiber, and NO whole grains. That's right...I said NO whole grains. Pick your jaw up off the floor, but here's a little tidbit most people don't know about whole grains: your stomach hates them. Whole grains require much more work to digest, so if you are having stomach issues (gall stones, ulcers, gastritis) it's useful to get rid of them. To be honest, it's useful to not eat much bread of any sort with stomach issues, but if you absolutely MUST eat something, word on the street is that you should eat WHITE bread.
So I have obeyed the storyline passionately. I have been eating for the most part, only boiled chicken (little bit of salt), salad, fresh fruit (but no berries, and obviously no citrus fruits), non fat yogurt (the trick is finding a kind you like, especially since I have NEVER cared for the stuff), and low fat cottage cheese (I just couldn't bring myself to stomach the non fat. Don't judge me). So far, I have been able to sustain this diet for a couple of weeks. Wait for it...if you're bored by this whole diet talk just wait...here comes the kicker. I have NEVER felt better than I've been feeling lately. I have more energy, my mind feels clearer, and I don't feel so depressed and bogged down. Something else that has surprised me is that I also actually ENJOY the food. My wonderful friend wrote in her blog that in order to start to like certain foods, sometimes we have to train ourselves to like them. I have always enjoyed my vegetables, but I've always "enjoyed" them with oodles of butter or salt or pepper. I had never really cared for them in their good old fashioned, just plucked from the earth, sort of way. But now I LOVE them! I crave salads all the time. There is nothing like eating a rainbow salad. It just tastes good. And I will also say that it certainly doesn't hurt that I've lost four pounds this week.
I have no idea how long I will be able to maintain this type of eating. Hopefully forever. I have tired of having constant stomach aches and the problems that go along with them. And in the last two weeks, I haven't had a single one of them. It's been nice. Maybe I have finally kissed stomach pains goodbye. We shall have to see!
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
February
I love February! There are many reasons why I happen to like the month (it's still winter, love is in the air, it's a short month, etc etc), but my most favorite reason why I love February is my four beautiful children. Five years ago, I was freaking out, panicking about whether or not my unborn baby was going to be early. My husband was deployed and I was all alone in a city with no family. I was paranoid that my daughter would be born with no one in the room but me. I was having anxiety that she would come on a weekend where some other doctor than MY doctor would deliver her. I was terrified that she would come during this week when my OBGYN typically goes on his family ski trip. I was terrified she would come before my husband's R and R. I was just nervous as a whole. Of course, it turned out to be fine: My mom, and my friend Kenna, and my husband were all there while my daughter was delivered by MY OBGYN....but still...the fears were there.
This time three years ago, I was exhausted beyond measure. My body hurt horrifically. I was broken under the weight of three beautiful children. I was tired of not sleeping, barely being able to eat, struggling to move, to do anything... I was tired of being on strict bed rest. I was tired of not being able to get up and go somewhere if I wanted to. I was tired of being taken care of. But then, on the flip side, I wanted my babies to be healthy and strong. I wanted them to keep growing and stay in as long as possible. But I have to admit...I was done being pregnant by this point.
It's amazing what time will do. When I was getting ready to deliver my oldest, never in my wildest dreams would I imagine that only two years later, I would give birth to three babies at once! I never could've imagined we'd all live where we live, and being doing good! I never would've believed that I would've been able to handle being alone with four toddlers for a year. I never would've been able to picture surviving hospitalizations, and endless sicknesses and horrible viruses, and near death situations with one (or more) of my four children...without my husband.
Don't get me wrong, I have NOT been alone. This deployment started out as being alone. But then I came to know the wonderful women that I call my sisterhood. When I think about the ways that they have stood by me, uplifted me, encouraged me, laughed with me, listened to my venting tirades, and been compassionate...it literally drives me to tears. I have been blessed beyond measure by them in my life. I say sisterhood, because we are all in similar situations together. We are all believers in Christ and striving to love Him more and more, and we are all Army wives (with the exception of a few what-I-like-to-call honorary army wives). We know what it means to be alone, and yet not. We know what it means to fight against what we lovingly call the "fort Bliss 'man'". We know how to cut through red tape, get answers, fight for our marriages, defend our children, and keep the home fires burning, while our husbands are at war.
Now, SO many women try to say, "Well, I know what it's like because my husband was in the air force or my husband is a marine" etc etc etc. And I have to honestly say, NO you don't. I wish with all my heart that you could understand. Your situation is different. The army is a beautiful institution which I love dearly, however, it has a tendency to leave you fending for yourself. It doesn't have the camaraderie that the air force or the marines have. Also, no matter HOW you spin it...six months is NOT the same as a year. It's just not. Six months is difficult, but it's not the same. Neither is eight months, or nine months. They are NOT the same. It's an entirely different ballgame when your husband has been gone for thirteen, fourteen, fifteen months. I'm not saying that any organizations sacrifices are more or less difficult. I'm just saying, they're different.
So when you have Army Wife friends...it's unique. It's beautiful and it's comforting. It's uplifting just to sit together, even if you don't necessarily have anything to say. It's wonderful to pray with each other, and to laugh together.
Somehow I got off track about why I love February. I was distracted by the gratitude I have for my children and my friends. :)
I will say however, the main reason I'm loving February is that it's one month closer to my husband coming home from his deployment. And that, my dear friends is pretty darn nice! :)
This time three years ago, I was exhausted beyond measure. My body hurt horrifically. I was broken under the weight of three beautiful children. I was tired of not sleeping, barely being able to eat, struggling to move, to do anything... I was tired of being on strict bed rest. I was tired of not being able to get up and go somewhere if I wanted to. I was tired of being taken care of. But then, on the flip side, I wanted my babies to be healthy and strong. I wanted them to keep growing and stay in as long as possible. But I have to admit...I was done being pregnant by this point.
It's amazing what time will do. When I was getting ready to deliver my oldest, never in my wildest dreams would I imagine that only two years later, I would give birth to three babies at once! I never could've imagined we'd all live where we live, and being doing good! I never would've believed that I would've been able to handle being alone with four toddlers for a year. I never would've been able to picture surviving hospitalizations, and endless sicknesses and horrible viruses, and near death situations with one (or more) of my four children...without my husband.
Don't get me wrong, I have NOT been alone. This deployment started out as being alone. But then I came to know the wonderful women that I call my sisterhood. When I think about the ways that they have stood by me, uplifted me, encouraged me, laughed with me, listened to my venting tirades, and been compassionate...it literally drives me to tears. I have been blessed beyond measure by them in my life. I say sisterhood, because we are all in similar situations together. We are all believers in Christ and striving to love Him more and more, and we are all Army wives (with the exception of a few what-I-like-to-call honorary army wives). We know what it means to be alone, and yet not. We know what it means to fight against what we lovingly call the "fort Bliss 'man'". We know how to cut through red tape, get answers, fight for our marriages, defend our children, and keep the home fires burning, while our husbands are at war.
Now, SO many women try to say, "Well, I know what it's like because my husband was in the air force or my husband is a marine" etc etc etc. And I have to honestly say, NO you don't. I wish with all my heart that you could understand. Your situation is different. The army is a beautiful institution which I love dearly, however, it has a tendency to leave you fending for yourself. It doesn't have the camaraderie that the air force or the marines have. Also, no matter HOW you spin it...six months is NOT the same as a year. It's just not. Six months is difficult, but it's not the same. Neither is eight months, or nine months. They are NOT the same. It's an entirely different ballgame when your husband has been gone for thirteen, fourteen, fifteen months. I'm not saying that any organizations sacrifices are more or less difficult. I'm just saying, they're different.
So when you have Army Wife friends...it's unique. It's beautiful and it's comforting. It's uplifting just to sit together, even if you don't necessarily have anything to say. It's wonderful to pray with each other, and to laugh together.
Somehow I got off track about why I love February. I was distracted by the gratitude I have for my children and my friends. :)
I will say however, the main reason I'm loving February is that it's one month closer to my husband coming home from his deployment. And that, my dear friends is pretty darn nice! :)
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