growing

Have you ever looked around and found yourself lost? Okay, no, this is not some pun on the series finale of Lost last night. I haven't seen it. We don't have cable. So please don't talk to me about it. Okay...back on target. I have found that the busier I get, the more people I'm surrounded by, the easier it is to get "lost". This happened to me recently. I was so busy, so immersed in people's live (which is good, not necessarily bad), so focused on being "distracted" that I realized I was exactly that! Distracted! My house wasn't being cared for appropriately. My children were being dragged to and fro my various activities. Life was busy, but not God honoring. I looked at myself and was like, "Who the heck are you?" To be honest, I didn't like what I saw. I have long striven to be a person not interested in, nor participating in, gossip. It's the dreaded "G" word that so many women struggle with. Well, I guess men do too, but I'm not a dude so I can't relate. :) I looked at myself and started paying attention to how I was speaking. I started having all sorts of opinions about things that had nothing to do with me. I started venting about other people who were upsetting me. I started being one of those busy body women that seems to have a lot of "friends" but isn't really doing what God wants her to do. Side note: this is not a judgment on anyone else. I know several women who are able to be actively involved in many aspects of people's lives and NOT be this way. They are amazing women and I am in complete awe of their self control and glory to God. I, however, am NOT (yet) one of these women.

Okay, back to topic. So I started praying. I started going...okay God...what do You want me to do? How should I handle this? How should I change? Truthfully, I just had to stop. I went to one of my advisors and asked her take. She told me I needed to step back and evaluate. What was I doing out of obligation? And what was I doing out of glory to God? And what was I doing to feel "busy"? And what was I doing out of love? Truthfully, there was a little bit of that in everything I was doing. It was partly out of love, obligation, Godness, and "busy-ness". So I just stopped. I stepped back and I examined. Who am I? Why am I here? What am I doing?

So much seemed to come to light in the process of that experience. You learn so much when you start to go through experiences. You learn a lot about who is a part of the "close" circle, and who isn't. It's sort of like Jesus and his apostles. I imagine that there were ENORMOUS amounts of people that called Jesus their friend. And I'm sure Jesus in His heart adored and loved each of those people back. But there were also a chosen few who were a part of His support "team". He had twelve people (and one that he knew would betray Him) that He told special things to. He leaned on them. He prayed with them. He fellowship with them in a unique way. He loved all, but had a select group. I started realizing how important that is in my own life. I have always lived my life like an open book. If someone asks, tell them. Lay it all out. Be clear. As time is going on, I am seeing how this can be quite foolish.

I am to love everyone. But I am not necessarily to share my life with everyone.

I am still not quite sure what this will actually look like in my life. I am learning so much about who I am and who God wants me to be. I want my life to be a reflection of Him. I want my thoughts, words and opinions to be a reflection of him. I want to be genuine, loving and different...I don't want to be a part of the "norm". Not the "normal" Christian world, nor the "normal" world in general. Ugh. Sometimes growth sucks. :)

Emerald City

Today for the first time in ages...I played church hookey. No, I did not cease to worship nor praise God...I just didn't happen to do it in a building. Have you ever awakened and realized...you just need to get out of town? That was me this morning. We have all been sick in our household, so we weren't exactly planning on going to church anyway. We were sitting on the sofa with our sniffles and our coughs and our scratchy throats and I looked at my husband and said, "I need to get out of El Paso." He sort of laughed and was like....uh....where are you going to go? I said, "No. Seriously. I need to get out of El Paso. Now!" I said, "Let's go on an adventure!"

So we packed up our four kids and headed off. We weren't exactly sure where we were going or what we were going to do when we got there. We had in our minds the idea of going to this space museum about an hour away, but we were not exactly sure if it was what the doctor ordered.

I LOVE adventures. I love the idea of getting in your car and just going. The trouble with where I live, though, is that it is surrounded by nothingness and ugliness. It is the truest sense of the word ugly that ever existed. Buildings stretch as far as the eye can see. It is a sea of concrete and man-forced "trees" amongst rocks and sand and dirt. Ugly. I explain this to you so that you can sort of grasp the notion of going on an adventure here. We did NOT expect to discover anything beautiful.

We drove for a couple of hours. We did in fact find that space museum and we thoroughly enjoyed touring it. It was fabulous and quite educational. But something prevented us from heading back towards home when we left there. We got back in the car and kept on. We saw a sign for some apple orchard and thought that we should head that way. So we did. We drove further and further from home, when I kid you not...we discovered the emerald city. Okay...so maybe not literally the Emerald City, but a green like my eyes had never before seen. I had forgotten what it meant to me to see beauty. We drove in this beautiful scenery (green grass fields, huge pine trees, birch trees, birds singing, brooks babbling, etc etc) for hours. The whole time my heart was bawling its eyes out. I literally had no words. I was so in awe of God's creation. The sky was this vivid magical blue, with huge fluffy white clouds. I am convinced this was all created so that I could discover it on this much needed day.

I have seen so much ugliness here lately. My eyes feel weary of seeing and my ears grow drained from hearing. It seems that everyone has a complaint or a drama issue and it is so discouraging. Even those who are trying to obey and honor God are bogged down from the drama that other people are constantly pouring onto them. The world, as a whole...just sucks. But to go to this place, where all of the dirt and muck and ugliness just faded away...I felt for the hours that we were there, as if all was right with the world. My soul felt at ease. That feeling came from the scenery. I believe that I am a person who is affected by physical beauty. I mean, scenic beauty. I still hold in my mind the visions of a Kansas sunset....where the beautiful trees are black against the darkening blue sky and the dark green fields. I wish that I was a painter so that I could paint you the beauty that I was fortunate enough to experience in Kansas. This place reminded me of that. I could get lost there and never come back. My husband kept telling me, "Maybe we will retire here." I just smiled and told him not to joke about such things. But it truly was beautiful. I wonder if the people who live there acknowledge it for what it is. I wonder if they appreciate what they live in. I wonder if they wake up every morning in awe of what their eyes are so lucky as to behold...

I feel alive again. I didn't even realize how close to dead I had been feeling. It's strange because I know I am alive in Christ and I know my strength and encouragement and ability to do ANYTHING comes completely from Him. I also believe, though, that He knows me so intimately, so passionately, so romantically, that He is aware of the desires of my heart. He knows how deeply I long for green. So in this place, where it feels like the brown, dark, death is always looming. Where the cockroaches have their day and the spiders rule the town...a victory has been made. I KNOW there is LIFE not too far away. And you can't beat me down with your dirt anymore! :D

PS. My husband, after having me read this post to him, felt it necessary for me to mention that our daughter threw up (projectile vomited) all over our car while we were in emerald city. Yup...even THAT didn't ruin it for me! :)

Change.

I am very unsure how to begin this post. I don't have a catchy phrase or one liner. I don't have an extravagant opening. I honestly feel almost like a sick and demented individual. I do not function well, when all is "well." It is a weakness that I have struggled with since the year of my fifteenth birthday. That year began a journey for myself and my family that lasted quite some time and before it was over...boasted the burning of my house, multiple car accidents (all of them terrible), the almost death of my little sister, and the complete and utter emotional demise of my family. I grieved for over a year, as a result of those days. They are forever engraved in my mind. They were excruciatingly painful, challenging and awful. Yet, I found more comfort during those days than I know how to explain.

I find that I seem to grow the most, endure the best, and function the most clearly, when all is terrible in my world.

I am a control freak. I make every effort to control everything about my existence that is humanly possible. I know this is foolish and completely stupid, because I honestly can not control ANYTHING in my world at all. It is all out of my hands and in the hands of my Maker. However, that never seems to stop my sick and depraved mind from trying...all the time...at all costs. In the midst of chaos and heartache, I am most honest to internally admit my weakness. It is easy for me to write to you that I am weak...that I am helpless...But do I really believe it? Yes, I believe it. But do I really EXPERIENCE it? No. I do not. I am not having forced in my face any inability to get through my moments, or my heartache. Life is good in my home. My husband is amazing and beautiful. My children are intelligent and growing. They all love God and are seeking to please Him and honor Him in their lives. Yet, I find myself looking around and going...I've got it ALL under control. It's foolishness and it's stupid.

I believe that one of the biggest lies the devil has tricked us with, is the belief that "good times" are actually good. How so? What joy is it for me to gain the whole world, and yet to forfeit my soul? Why is it so good for me to have a beautiful home, nice cars, manicured and cleaned children, all the things I could hope and ask for...yet to forfeit my soul? I am a sick person. Truthfully I am. When all is falling apart...then I see His beauty rising.

I have to be honest...I feel completely devastated. I find myself crying over so many things. I find myself frustrated by my circumstances. I drive by these men...filthy, dirty, unmanicured, no hair cut...unshaved...and I am repulsed by myself. Sure, the compassion wells in me for a few minutes, and maybe even some bible verses pop into my head "feed the hungry...feed the homeless...whatever you do for the least of these, you do for Me." Then begins the internal struggle within myself...how do I know they're not buying drugs, or alcohol? How do I know he's not some liar, that really lives in a nice house with nice clothes, and this is what he does just to mess with the world? All of the excuses pour into my mind. Or maybe I'll get on my high horse and say to myself, "Yes. I will give them some money." Here! Let me throw you my loose change! It doesn't really cost me anything to help you. It doesn't really matter if I no longer have that fifty cents. Big deal. It cost me nothing. It's like throwing it at a dog and then walking away. Or maybe I'll hand out some loose breakfast bars I've got sitting in my car. Again...costs me nothing. Don't get involved. Don't ask questions, and most of all...don't touch them. WHY!? These are people! PEOPLE! They're not dead dogs, or human waste. They have feelings. They had hopes and dreams. Sure, maybe everything sucks now...but they are still of value. Why am I afraid to touch them? My God, what on earth would that feel like? To have people not want to touch me? To have no one to touch my hands or hug me, or hold me? What would it be like to be cold, and have nowhere to go? What would it be like to have to BEG to eat. And then have people in their nice cars judging me, and assuming I was on drugs? Or an addict? Or crazy?

I am sickened by myself. I am sickened that I honestly believe I am a person of value. I am sickened by what these people go through. I have no idea what the answers are. I can only imagine what it would be like for them to have shelter. To have a warm bed, and clean sheets, and a shower. To have a shower! Clean clothes! To be able to cut your nails, and wear clean socks. I know there are shelters and all that nonsense in this town. I know that there are ways to "send them off' to people who are there to "help" them. But why am I so resistant to be the actual person who does the helping? Why don't I think about this all the time...day and night...unceasingly? Why does this only haunt me when I drive by them begging on the street corners? Why am I not kept awake at night by their torment? Why am I not driven unendingly to make this change? I'm not talking about changing laws, or governmental regulation...I'm talking about PEOPLE. Why am I (this one person) not doing all that is in my power to help them?

This same notion applies with what is going on in Darfur. Do not be deceived, Americans...we are turning a blind eye to the sufferings in the world...in our country...in our streets...God, even in our homes. Half the time we are oblivious to the emotional agonies that our own dearly loved ones are enduring. How can I possibly look around this place and believe that all is well? All is NOT well! All is terribly, terribly wrong. We, as Christians, waste so much time arguing this policy and that policy. We waste time fighting against "gay" marriage, or whatever other token argument is going on in the political realm. I'm not saying I oppose a political voice. But I am saying this: why are we so completely NOT focused on the things that actually matter? Why are we completely distracted from loving others the way that God commands us to over and over and over again in His word?

I am sickened by myself. I am sickened by my sinfulness. By the ugliness that dwells in me. And this sense of pride, or like I'm better than anyone else. I am sickened by our government's position that we must FORCE people to help others, rather than people being so emotionally and psychologically driven to help. I am sickened that we are not solving the problems before us. I am sickened that I am one in the "group" of ignoring the sufferings of others. I am sickened that we are so focused on our own self pity, our own heartaches and frustrations (weight, cars, houses, credit cards, lovers, distance, etc etc etc). I can say, with almost a complete certainty, that people struggling with starvation could care less about their "weight", or their lovers, or their cars, or houses. They are simply working to survive.

I am hungry. I am hungry to change myself. I am hungry to leave this place where life is so focused on stuff and the acquiring of more stuff, or the self deprecation of how much stuff you have, or the arguing with people not to be "judged" about how much stuff you have...but the focus is the same. It's all about "stuff". Who the hell cares? Seriously. Who is going to go to your funeral and go, you know? She was really cool! She had a BMW. She lived in Bel Air. She was freaking awesome, she always had a Gucci purse. And she was NOT fat. I mean, for crying out loud, if that is what was said about me...I would be very likely driven to come back from the dead and punch everyone in the face.

I know this is a rant. I apologize to you, dear reader, for my tirade. I want to be different from who I am. I want to be so in love with God that I could care less about what I have, or don't have. I want none of it to matter to me at all. I want to be a "crazy" Christian. In fact, I don't even want to consider myself worthy enough to label myself "Christian". I'd rather be known as someone who loved Jesus. Not a "Christian". I want to be DEEPLY moved, to tears even, when I see someone starving, or homeless, or in need of a shower. I want to be moved so passionately that I ACT. That I reach out and hold their hand while they're standing on the street corner. I want to be driven to do that without reaching for the hand sanitizer after I've driven off. I want to stop being sickened with myself. I want true and lasting change in myself. Forever.