lately

Lately it seems like the whole plate that I carry around is extremely heavy. It's a strange feeling to feel overwhelmed, but yet not at the exact same time. I guess in a nutshell, I am angry. But I am not quite sure what I'm angry about. I have barely slept since the night my son went in to the hospital. I don't know why either. My body is breaking under the weight of approximately 1-2 hours of sleep a night. I keep having nightmares...horrible nightmares. Is this a spiritual attack? I pray and pray and then pray some more. I am struggling through my quiet times, because I'm just so tired, and the quiet makes it difficult to stay awake.
I am so sick of sickness. I'm tired of having a child that is constantly in and out hospitals. And I hate feeling that way. I am so blessed. My children are alive. They are beautiful immaculate human beings, and we went through such a horribly painful path to bring them this far. I am just feeling so many emotions, that it difficult to know where to begin.
Brunie's senses don't work. That's the basic nutshell diagnosis from the big fancy pediatric developmental specialist. She said that she probably is autistic (or was) but that through continuing therapy, by the age of five, it could basically be eradicated, or brought to a level that makes it very difficult to determine. But her brain has not figured out how to utilize it's senses correctly. It explains why when she bites completely through her lip, or leaves teeth marks on her arm (from biting herself) that she doesn't cry, or react with any signs of pain. It explains why she covers her ears all the time, because the noise is too much for her. It's too overwhelming. It's difficult to put in to words what that specialist appointment was like for me. On the one hand, I have been so emotionally exhausted by this child. She is wonderful and precious and amazing, but no one has been able to explain why she hadn't attached, why she is so late in everything, and why she cries ALL the time. The sheer emotional overwhelmingness of it taking YEARS to figure this stuff out with her...I can't even begin to tell you. When I got in to the car after finishing the appointment...I sat there and just cried. I cried for my beautiful little angel, and I cried for myself. I am so frustrated that it took almost two years for the stupid EP people to get us connected with the right physicians. I cried for the precious child who has been trying for so long to make me understand what she was experiencing, and I just couldn't. I cried for myself, because how many beautiful moments have been passed by, because I couldn't understand that she doesn't like to be touched like a normal child. How many moments could I have held and loved on my child if someone has just shown me how to hold her correctly? Oh God...why did you rob me of this?

reality

A couple of soldiers in my husband's company were injured the other day. One of them is in critical condition, but has been listed as stable. It's been a harsh reminder to many of us of where our husbands are. For those of us who are not new to deployments and the military, this deployment felt like not that big of a deal. We're nearing the end of time in Iraq, and the location that they were being sent to was supposed to peaceful. I realize that for many of the newbies, it was a big dramatic deal. But for the rest of us, we weren't afraid of our husbands getting hurt or killed. Well...now that's changed. All of a sudden the fears of where my lobster is at are settling in. He isn't in a safe place. I am sad. Of course, I am 100% thankful that I have a God that will take care of my husband and us, but it's hard not to feel sad. I find so much peace and comfort in that my husband is in the Lord's hands. Where else can we turn to for strength and comfort, but our God? I am so grateful that He holds us in His hands.