small update

I haven't written much lately. It's not that I don't have any desire to do so, it's just that life has kept me pretty busy.

I have been focusing on my children more and more. The life lesson about my daughter's health (and the miracle that came along with it) really helped to refresh my "momville" perspective. I spend far too much time not loving on them...

So I have attempted to minimize internet/phone/"busy time. I have attempted to engage them, connect, communicate in ways that will give them lasting memories. I have made an effort to remember that I am a role model, whether I want to be or not, and they're watching my conduct.

Even as I write this I'm pretty tired and I'm not very inspired.

What I feel the need to say is that I begged God for the life of my child, and He gave it. I begged, pleaded, cried, screamed and broke into a thousand little pieces and my daughter is miraculously fine. I can't say why we got a miracle when others don't, but I can say that the moment her doctor said she was astoundingly healthy, my heart rejoiced. I was so happy that I couldn't stop crying. It was absolutely beautiful. This news came just days before my 30th birthday. It was the greatest gift I could have been given. :)

Novena

I was having a pour-my-heart out session with my non-spouse-best-friend the other day. (side note: It's really weird being an adult and saying the terms "best friend" however, he is most definitely mine. It's a term I have not given to an individual in years. But certain people are destined to be in your life and he is absolutely destined to be in mine.) It was a conversation that I desperately needed to have and honestly I was eager to have it. I knew that he would tell me what I needed to hear (not what is generally believed to be appropriate, placating, or "comforting"). I knew he wouldn't try to comfort me with BS that isn't the truth. I knew he would acknowledge how hard this is, and allow me the freedom to be really pissed off, and he did. 

He also told me I needed to pray a Novena. It's something I adamantly objected to at first, but eventually agreed to think about doing. It's funny how the people who know you the best, often know what you most need to do, especially when you really don't want to.

After agreeing to contemplate this action, I went to bed and woke up to a church day. My family went to church, despite the fact that I genuinely did not want to go. 

At church our priest said something that punched me in the face. He said "EPHPHATHA!" (be opened!). He said open your ears, open your eyes, open your heart. He said open the windows of your experience. Let the air in. Be exposed. Be open. It was the first time in this entire ordeal that I knew the Holy Spirit was talking to me. I have not been open. I've closed all the layers of my oniony heart and hidden inside the cocoon. I have been too afraid to open myself up to the situation before me. 

So I'm still contemplating the Novena. Except that now it's much more likely that I will do it. I'm trying to open myself. I'm trying to stop hiding from all of the possibilities. I'm trying to expose the fear, anger, and dread to His light. I need His breath of fresh air. 

I'm trying. But I'm making no promises of success.