Unwrapping my fingers from yours, relaxing my arms and letting them drop to my sides, and standing there frozen in this moment watching you walk away. My feet are cemented to the ground. My heart is breaking. I drop my sunglasses down over my eyes. I don't like to cry. I don't like for people to see me cry. I don't like feeling so desperate.
You walk over to get in the formation that will lead you away from me. I do everything in my power to keep my mind focused and sharp. I want to remember you. I want to remember your smell, your smile, your laugh. I want to remember the feel of your scruffy cheeks in the morning before you shave. I want to remember the sound of your breathing at night. I want to remember...
Always in the back of the conversation in my mind is what if? It's an endless dialogue that will keep me company for the next year. It will plague my dreams and my thoughts. It will haunt me every time the doorbell rings unexpectedly. It will be the thoughts that pop up late at night when the kids are asleep and the house is quiet.
My ears will hunger for the sound of the garage door opening at the end of the duty day. My eyes will search for you in the sea of uniforms that surround me. Your car will shock my heart every time I pull up to our house and see it, because for a split second I will forget that you're over there and not sitting at home in our living room.
Our children will react the only way that children know how. They will be angry, out of control, emotional and they won't really understand the whole process of grief. I hate that they are learning this at such young ages.
The world will go on even though my entire world is frozen in time. People will laugh and be silly and I will feel like laughing is a betrayal and any moment that could be special is missing the majority of the equation. I will write. I will write until my hands can't move. I will do everything possible to make sure you feel included.
My phone will become my only connection to you. I will love this and hate it at the same time.
You are marching out now and I'm running as fast as I can to my car so I can be at the airfield before you and wave you in. My final goodbye. My last eye-to-eye glimpse of you. It will now be skype... the lifeline.
Somehow I have to get in my car and drive home. Somehow I have to walk in to that house with your stuff, your ghost, your memory and face those children who are all aching and hurting and give them comfort. Some how I have to get through this because they need me, and you need me, and this is what I'm supposed to do. Somehow I am going to make it through the next minute, even though it feels like my life is over. Somehow I'm going to endure this year even though in this specific moment, I feel like I. can't. breathe. Somehow...
I'll sit here in this garage waiting until the sobs stop. I'll sit here waiting until I can breathe again. I'll find the will to begin this life without you here. I'll get through the agony that I can't describe. And one day, God willing, I will wake up and this will be over.
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Thursday, November 22, 2012
Thanksgiving Breakfast
It's Thanksgiving Day! In honor of this, my favorite holiday, I will share one of my secret recipes with you. Enjoy!
My attempt at food photography
Apple Cranberry Oatmeal (AKA Thanksgiving Breakfast)
Ingredients:
Oats (I prefer not instant)
3-4 large apples (I use Golden apples)
1/2 Cup Prepared cranberry sauce (you can also use canned, if you didn't make your own. It doesn't matter if it's jellied or not)
1 TBSP Cinnamon
1/2 Cup Brown Sugar
1/4 Cup of butter
Prepare Oats per package instructions. I make enough to feed six people.
Finely dice apples. You can peel the apples, but I do not. Melt butter in a saucepan on the stove. Bring butter to boiling, and immediately add the apples. Cook for 1-2 minutes while the butter is boiling. Reduce heat to low-med. Add brown sugar and cinnamon. Stir. Leave apples to simmer on the stove for 15 minutes, stirring occasionally. Remove apples from heat. Add cranberry sauce to apples and stir well to combine. Pour over prepared Oats and enjoy!
Hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving!
Monday, November 19, 2012
Monday Motto
In our home, "playing" is earned. It's not a right. Pick up your jaw, stop envisioning me as some natzi psycho parent who is a cruel, horrible slave driving parent. It's not as hard core as you think. It's that I believe children should learn and understand that good things come after hard work, not good things get interrupted by hard work.
The way that the kids "earn" playing is by cleaning for 20 minutes or by completing a cleaning assignment. For example: today, Brun had to clean all of the kitchen cabinet faces. When she completed the assignment, she had earned her play time for the day. The whole process took her five minutes. However, when she finished, she earned lots of gratitude from me (Good job Brun! It looks so nice and clean! (sniffing) Oh wow it smells so wonderful in here! Thank you so much for helping me!) and now she's off playing with the toys.
I think it's important for the kids to understand that life doesn't work in an instant gratification kind of way. We don't immediately get to have whatever it is we want. Waiting can be good. Working towards a goal can be good. I want them to learn to set daily goals and accomplish them.
So here's my Monday motto: teach your kids, and perhaps yourself, that games, toys, electronics, etc are things that can be enjoyed after 20 minutes of hard work is complete!
The way that the kids "earn" playing is by cleaning for 20 minutes or by completing a cleaning assignment. For example: today, Brun had to clean all of the kitchen cabinet faces. When she completed the assignment, she had earned her play time for the day. The whole process took her five minutes. However, when she finished, she earned lots of gratitude from me (Good job Brun! It looks so nice and clean! (sniffing) Oh wow it smells so wonderful in here! Thank you so much for helping me!) and now she's off playing with the toys.
I think it's important for the kids to understand that life doesn't work in an instant gratification kind of way. We don't immediately get to have whatever it is we want. Waiting can be good. Working towards a goal can be good. I want them to learn to set daily goals and accomplish them.
So here's my Monday motto: teach your kids, and perhaps yourself, that games, toys, electronics, etc are things that can be enjoyed after 20 minutes of hard work is complete!
Friday, November 16, 2012
Shining like the dawn
Do you have kids afraid of the dark? I have one who has apparently inherited that awful experience. She is terrified of the dark, and in true-to-how-her-mother-was fashion, she is almost always sleeping in bed with her sister (remember Jo!?).
Last night the hallway light, bathroom light, basically every light the kid had the bravery to get up and turn on, was on when my husband got up to go to work (his exact words: our room was lit up like the sun was shining this morning when I got up). They weren't on when we went to bed, so we know someone got up and turned them on. This prompted a conversation with my kids this morning:
Me: Did someone get up and turn on the bathroom and hallway lights last night?
Charchee: (hand up) I did.
Me: Why did you do that?
Charchee: Because I was scared.
Me: Thank you for admitting that you did it. But do you know why we need to not do that? It is very important that we think very carefully about everything we're using on our planet. When we leave lights on while we sleep, we waste resources that could have been used to do something else.
Charchee: Well I was scared.
Me: What are you scared of?
Charchee: The dark.
Me: What about the dark?
Charchee: The monsters in the dark. Well, at least I think there are monsters in the dark, but they're not real.
Me: How do you know they're not real? Did you ask them?
Charchee: WHAT!? Ask them?
Me: Yeah! Why don't you ask them if they're real!
Charchee: (laughs)
Me: Listen, the world is filled with all sorts of beautiful things that come JUST when you're scared. They're called angels. Angels come in the darkness and they keep watch over you. Maybe those monsters you've been seeing are really angels hanging out in your room! But if you turn the lights on, then the angels hide.
Charchee: Why would an angel come in my room?
Me: Maybe they want to check out your really neat angel halloween costume!
Charchee: WWWWHHHHHAAAATTTT! (laughing) I bet they really like it and they want it!
Me: Maybe you'll be able to catch them tonight and then you'll know it's really angels and not monsters in your room. But you have to keep it really, really dark or you won't be able to see them!
Charchee: Okay Mommy. I'm going to look for them.
I think as parents our instinct is to tell children things are not there or real. But that's simply not accurate. Whether you believe in God or not, there are presences that come and surround us all the time. For some people it's ghosts, for others angels/demons, deceased family members, or it's the dreams and ambitions of a creative mind. Whatever you believe, I think that telling a child there is no such thing as monsters is ludicrous. Maybe my creative child, actually sees monsters in the darkness. Maybe the best thing is to teach our frightened children that scary things really do exists, but there are tools to handle them.
In our home I want to teach my children to understand the things they can not see. There is so much to believe in that is not something we can physically touch or feel. While I absolutely wish my child was not afraid of the dark, I am thankful for the opportunity to dive into this scary experience and show her how awesome the unseen things can actually be. So awesome, in fact, that they're scary ;)
Last night the hallway light, bathroom light, basically every light the kid had the bravery to get up and turn on, was on when my husband got up to go to work (his exact words: our room was lit up like the sun was shining this morning when I got up). They weren't on when we went to bed, so we know someone got up and turned them on. This prompted a conversation with my kids this morning:
Me: Did someone get up and turn on the bathroom and hallway lights last night?
Charchee: (hand up) I did.
Me: Why did you do that?
Charchee: Because I was scared.
Me: Thank you for admitting that you did it. But do you know why we need to not do that? It is very important that we think very carefully about everything we're using on our planet. When we leave lights on while we sleep, we waste resources that could have been used to do something else.
Charchee: Well I was scared.
Me: What are you scared of?
Charchee: The dark.
Me: What about the dark?
Charchee: The monsters in the dark. Well, at least I think there are monsters in the dark, but they're not real.
Me: How do you know they're not real? Did you ask them?
Charchee: WHAT!? Ask them?
Me: Yeah! Why don't you ask them if they're real!
Charchee: (laughs)
Me: Listen, the world is filled with all sorts of beautiful things that come JUST when you're scared. They're called angels. Angels come in the darkness and they keep watch over you. Maybe those monsters you've been seeing are really angels hanging out in your room! But if you turn the lights on, then the angels hide.
Charchee: Why would an angel come in my room?
Me: Maybe they want to check out your really neat angel halloween costume!
Charchee: WWWWHHHHHAAAATTTT! (laughing) I bet they really like it and they want it!
Me: Maybe you'll be able to catch them tonight and then you'll know it's really angels and not monsters in your room. But you have to keep it really, really dark or you won't be able to see them!
Charchee: Okay Mommy. I'm going to look for them.
I think as parents our instinct is to tell children things are not there or real. But that's simply not accurate. Whether you believe in God or not, there are presences that come and surround us all the time. For some people it's ghosts, for others angels/demons, deceased family members, or it's the dreams and ambitions of a creative mind. Whatever you believe, I think that telling a child there is no such thing as monsters is ludicrous. Maybe my creative child, actually sees monsters in the darkness. Maybe the best thing is to teach our frightened children that scary things really do exists, but there are tools to handle them.
In our home I want to teach my children to understand the things they can not see. There is so much to believe in that is not something we can physically touch or feel. While I absolutely wish my child was not afraid of the dark, I am thankful for the opportunity to dive into this scary experience and show her how awesome the unseen things can actually be. So awesome, in fact, that they're scary ;)
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Operation Waxation Nation Savings
Women are furry. Let's just face it. And we're not necessarily furry in the cute puppy kind of way. We're furry in gross, terrifying places that men would probably panic if they actually knew how furry we really are. The mustache? It's not just for men... Apparently God thought it would be funny to give it to us ladies too, and then He saw fit to invent all sorts of things for us to keep that sucker under control. Can I say unibrow? Um, the majority of women actually have one, if they don't tame the wild eye brow beasts that are growing on their faces. I promise you, it's highly likely that your tender dear feminine love has a forest growing someplace that you would rather not EVER know exists.
This brings me to my how-to-save-on-something point. Stop investing your hard earned dollars on a waxation nation consultant and become your own. That's right folks, I am advocating learning to do it for yourself. About a year ago, I purchased my own "wax at home" kit and learned to tame the furry beasts on my face. I can't even begin to tell you the amount of money I have saved by learning to wax myself. Not to mention, I can wax at my convenience, not someone else's.
I have insanely sensitive skin (seriously), and waxing myself allows me to be selective about the type of wax and the temperature it is heated to (believe it or not, the temperature is a huge factor over whether or not I look like a tractor plowed across my face).
Gone are the days of paying someone else to do my dirty work. Present are the days where I can say ca ching! every time I warm up my little wax pot. :)
Happy Thursday!
This brings me to my how-to-save-on-something point. Stop investing your hard earned dollars on a waxation nation consultant and become your own. That's right folks, I am advocating learning to do it for yourself. About a year ago, I purchased my own "wax at home" kit and learned to tame the furry beasts on my face. I can't even begin to tell you the amount of money I have saved by learning to wax myself. Not to mention, I can wax at my convenience, not someone else's.
I have insanely sensitive skin (seriously), and waxing myself allows me to be selective about the type of wax and the temperature it is heated to (believe it or not, the temperature is a huge factor over whether or not I look like a tractor plowed across my face).
Gone are the days of paying someone else to do my dirty work. Present are the days where I can say ca ching! every time I warm up my little wax pot. :)
Happy Thursday!
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Coupons, the new addiction
Tuesdays are quickly becoming one of my favorite days. You know why? Tuesdays are the days when the circulars come in the mail box! Woohoo! It's the one day we get to open up the box and get free money! YAY! Last night I laid out my circulars, evaluated my sales, cut my coupons, and analyzed what I am going to get this weekend with my grocery trip.
The kids and Chief are nervous that I'm going to become one of those couponing addicts. I seriously don't think I will. I'm not interested in buying things I don't need. I think that's kind of selfish. But I am interested in saving money for my family on the items we use!
I have discovered that making a list of prices is incredibly important when trying to save money at the grocery store. It is important to have sale price, and coupons listed together. I also separate out all of the coupons I will be using on that particular trip and put them in a green paperclip (green for "go" and red for "stop"). It's how I know which one's I'm using. I fold the tip down on that coupon when I've put it in my cart (so I know I have it) and cross it off my list. It also helps me to keep track.
Have you started using coupons? Even a little bit?
Saturday, November 3, 2012
Groceries, what!?
Shopping for a large family can be expensive. Living on a military income, I have had to deeply penny pinch every aspect of our lifestyle. Regardless of what some politicians seem to think (politicians who have never lived on a military income, I might add), we make very little money. I'm not complaining, a paycheck is a paycheck and I am quite grateful for the one we get, but it makes for some tight living.
Every month we make our family budget. This is done for a couple of reasons:
1) We have to stretch that meager Sergeant's salary VERY far
2) We do not use any credit cards whatsoever. We live only on a cash budget, so if we don't have the cash, we don't buy it.
3) We like to know what we're spending on, preparing for, and whether or not we need to re evaluate our purchases.
My budget this month had a massive wrench thrown into it, when the husband announced he needed new tires. Yesterday. It might not sound like a big deal for you, but when you randomly have to alter your budget by hundreds dollars, things have to go. I started to slightly hyperventilate. I was panicking. Where was I going to come up with this much money!?
I started evaluating my food purchases. I started investigating using coupons and where/how I could save cash. It took a lot of planning. I had to really think about what stores were selling, which coupons I had, and the best days to purchase.
Albertsons store offers a 10% military discount off your total purchase on the first Saturday of each month. YAY! They also happened to be having a big sale this weekend on many thanksgiving food items. SUPER yay! After looking through my stash, carefully analyzing things, and making up a VERY specific list, I was able to get our month's groceries (minus our weekly produce needs) for WAY under my projected budget. Today I saved $119.69 at Albertsons, using coupons. It was a truly beautiful experience. I stood there at the register and nearly had a heart attack when he said my savings.
I am really starting to rethink shopping at the Commissary. I would have spent twice the amount I spent at Albertsons on the same items.
Every month we make our family budget. This is done for a couple of reasons:
1) We have to stretch that meager Sergeant's salary VERY far
2) We do not use any credit cards whatsoever. We live only on a cash budget, so if we don't have the cash, we don't buy it.
3) We like to know what we're spending on, preparing for, and whether or not we need to re evaluate our purchases.
My budget this month had a massive wrench thrown into it, when the husband announced he needed new tires. Yesterday. It might not sound like a big deal for you, but when you randomly have to alter your budget by hundreds dollars, things have to go. I started to slightly hyperventilate. I was panicking. Where was I going to come up with this much money!?
I started evaluating my food purchases. I started investigating using coupons and where/how I could save cash. It took a lot of planning. I had to really think about what stores were selling, which coupons I had, and the best days to purchase.
Albertsons store offers a 10% military discount off your total purchase on the first Saturday of each month. YAY! They also happened to be having a big sale this weekend on many thanksgiving food items. SUPER yay! After looking through my stash, carefully analyzing things, and making up a VERY specific list, I was able to get our month's groceries (minus our weekly produce needs) for WAY under my projected budget. Today I saved $119.69 at Albertsons, using coupons. It was a truly beautiful experience. I stood there at the register and nearly had a heart attack when he said my savings.
I am really starting to rethink shopping at the Commissary. I would have spent twice the amount I spent at Albertsons on the same items.
Friday, November 2, 2012
The power of an hour
There are certain days where the daily routine needs to be changed. Today is one of those days.
In a normal day, I have four children who are happy, well rounded individuals. They learn, play, communicate, and enjoy each other's company. We challenge ourselves and each other to discover new things and it's a blast. Then there are days where I genuinely start to wonder if my children have been invaded by body snatchers that are completely insane.
The days started off rough. Whining, crying, fighting, arguing, ignoring me, carrying on, etc etc etc had all occurred within the first 30 minutes of them being awake and has pretty much carried on throughout the day.
What is the solution to this madness? A nap. I kid you not, an hour of laying down, completely bored, totally silent, seems to do something to these body snatchers. My normal children return and life goes on as usual. You'd think that at 7 and 5, this would have little to no effect, but that has yet to be the case.
I think sometimes we all tend to get a little wrapped up in emotional chaos and that trickles it's way into every aspect of our thought processes throughout the day. This hour of quiet rejuvenates, revives, and reconnects all of us to sanity.
When you're having a day like mine, try creating an hour of rest. At the most, a little classical music can be on, but the goal is to have it as quiet as possible. You might be amazed at how quickly zen returns to your home.
In a normal day, I have four children who are happy, well rounded individuals. They learn, play, communicate, and enjoy each other's company. We challenge ourselves and each other to discover new things and it's a blast. Then there are days where I genuinely start to wonder if my children have been invaded by body snatchers that are completely insane.
The days started off rough. Whining, crying, fighting, arguing, ignoring me, carrying on, etc etc etc had all occurred within the first 30 minutes of them being awake and has pretty much carried on throughout the day.
What is the solution to this madness? A nap. I kid you not, an hour of laying down, completely bored, totally silent, seems to do something to these body snatchers. My normal children return and life goes on as usual. You'd think that at 7 and 5, this would have little to no effect, but that has yet to be the case.
I think sometimes we all tend to get a little wrapped up in emotional chaos and that trickles it's way into every aspect of our thought processes throughout the day. This hour of quiet rejuvenates, revives, and reconnects all of us to sanity.
When you're having a day like mine, try creating an hour of rest. At the most, a little classical music can be on, but the goal is to have it as quiet as possible. You might be amazed at how quickly zen returns to your home.
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