I think as the sea of busy-ness consumes me, and I feel like I'm watching my life happen through photographs and videos and other people's experiences, it is important to figure how to stand still. It's not something that I've ever been good at. I don't thrive in stillness or silence. I think it's because stillness compels action. And who wants to actually have to stare down their own demons? Who wants to actually examine their selfishness, greed, pride? Who wants to acknowledge the evil that they so eloquently hide?
I think it's the biggest problem with Christianity. We convince ourselves that we're nice, and that we're loving, and that we're "good" people. We tell ourselves all of these self inflating things, and we absorb these notions about ourselves that make us feel better. But when we put ourselves up against the image of Christ, when we sit still enough to absorb it, and allow our reflections to settle in, then we are forced to accept things we don't want to: either Christ is a lie, or we are probably not following Him like we think we are.
It's why Heavenly distance is so comforting. It's why "christian" stagnation seems to be so prevalent. We can be and do and say and have whatever we want and we don't really need to be any different from anyone else and we get to go to heaven too! It's a win-win. Except it's completely unbiblical. It's immensely anti Christian history. It is basically the opposite of what our role models have laid out for us.
So I sit here and I think to myself that I am the guiltiest of all in regards to this "problem" of Christianity. I think that my life really doesn't look all that different from anyone else's. I wonder if I will ever figure out how to get on the right road to salvation. I wonder if a time will come when I will know that I have figured out how to get it right.
Monday, March 31, 2014
Monday, March 10, 2014
To You
Two glasses of wine, candlelight, a bench, you, and our backyard... this is what comforts my spirit. This is where the words I've had bottled up and under lock and key can find their way to the surface and out of my mouth.
Your fingers found my back in the darkness. They run like electricity through me. It is like I am frozen and you are warmth. Your touch softens me. Your words revive me. Sometimes I am so tired of talking. Sometimes there is nothing left to say. So we sit on a bench, and your hands find my flesh, and I find comfort there.
This is what I need... You.
Your fingers found my back in the darkness. They run like electricity through me. It is like I am frozen and you are warmth. Your touch softens me. Your words revive me. Sometimes I am so tired of talking. Sometimes there is nothing left to say. So we sit on a bench, and your hands find my flesh, and I find comfort there.
This is what I need... You.
Sunday, March 9, 2014
Letter To The Police
Police Officer,
I honked at you as you pulled out in front of me on my way to church. I had to brake very hard to avoid T-boning you. The honk was to tell you to hurry up, I might hit you.
In a normal day, I would have muttered some derogatory phrase. Something like look at this idiot! Or HELLOOOOO!!!!! But not today. I can't give myself any credit for that. It did not come from myself. Instead of cursing you, my soul uttered a blessing. God be with her and keep her safe. Thank you for preventing an accident. Give her energy, clarity, and focus today. Sustain her, help her to be alert.
I can't imagine what it's like for you to be a police officer. I can't even begin to share the immense level of respect I have for you. We live in a society that is so quick to berate, complain, and bash you and the profession that you hold. I give you the highest esteem. You make me and my children safer. You settle horrible situations, and you walk in to people's lives in the worst of moments. You have to make very quick decisions that affect people for the rest of their lives. I can't imagine the stress that must place on your heart and mind.
I couldn't remember if I closed the garage door, so I had to turn around and come back home. As I pulled back up to my housing area, you were slowed down and speaking to a person walking down the street. Perhaps this is why you were distracted and pulled out in front of me. Maybe you were in the middle of searching for a lost teen, or a disgruntled soldier. Maybe you were looking for a stolen item. Maybe you were just making sure that person was safe, and okay, and not in need of help. Maybe you were exhausted from a horrible night and you're just trying to get through the final hour of your shift before you can go home and fall in to bed. Maybe you're drained from people cursing you, yelling at you, hating you...
I want you to know that I am praying for you, and all of the other individuals who share your profession. I want to declare that I teach my children that you are heroes, and you should be valued as such. My children shout out "THANK YOU!" at the top of their lungs when you drive by in your cars. I wave, but most of the time you don't see (my guess is you've become so accustomed to being flipped off that you've learned to stop looking). I. am. thankful. for. you.
There have been moments when you've held my own life in your hands. You were course, rough, and not exactly the most friendly. But God gave you the ability to see what the needs were, and handle the situation. I am in awe. You saw me in my ugliest moment, knee deep in the middle of what was the worst period of my life, the darkest journey my soul has walked through to date. I was desperate, destroyed, lost. And you were about to arrest me. Crazy, isn't it? That I still admired you, as you read me my rights? I did and I do. Because it's your job to defend the law, to protect the people, to participate in justice.
It worked out that the truth was exposed (before I was cuffed). You had the ability to see through my lies, my protection, my attempt to hold it all together, and you saved me. You saved me when I was incapable of saving myself. You protected me when I was resistant to the safety that you offered. You were my heroes, even when I was so terrified of the result of that heroism. And you, saved my life. You helped to give me back what I adored with every fiber of my being. And I bet you never knew it. You were there and gone in one night and you never knew that you changed my world for the better.
I'm sure I've over sharing a bit. I tend to ramble about things that really matter to me. I often times repeat myself over and over again, because the clarity of thought is difficult to separate from the intensity of the sincere emotions. Please know this: I value your contribution to my safety. I will continue to buy you a meal, when I can. I will continue to wave when you drive by. I will do my best to show you my gratitude, make you have a smile, and brighten your day. I will continue to pray that the Holy Spirit will protect your heart and mind from bitterness and resentment, that you will remain soft despite all of the horrible components to humanity that you see every day. I will continue to pray for your families to have peace and comfort despite you always having to work on Christmas/New Years/Thanksgiving/weekends/every-other-holiday. I will continue to pray for your safety because this is Jesus, as I know Him to be. And this is Love the only way I know how to show it.
I hope your day today is filled with an abundance of blessings. I hope you are flooded with beauty and majesty and glory today. I hope you know you are valued.
Sincerely,
The Honking Mom
I honked at you as you pulled out in front of me on my way to church. I had to brake very hard to avoid T-boning you. The honk was to tell you to hurry up, I might hit you.
In a normal day, I would have muttered some derogatory phrase. Something like look at this idiot! Or HELLOOOOO!!!!! But not today. I can't give myself any credit for that. It did not come from myself. Instead of cursing you, my soul uttered a blessing. God be with her and keep her safe. Thank you for preventing an accident. Give her energy, clarity, and focus today. Sustain her, help her to be alert.
I can't imagine what it's like for you to be a police officer. I can't even begin to share the immense level of respect I have for you. We live in a society that is so quick to berate, complain, and bash you and the profession that you hold. I give you the highest esteem. You make me and my children safer. You settle horrible situations, and you walk in to people's lives in the worst of moments. You have to make very quick decisions that affect people for the rest of their lives. I can't imagine the stress that must place on your heart and mind.
I couldn't remember if I closed the garage door, so I had to turn around and come back home. As I pulled back up to my housing area, you were slowed down and speaking to a person walking down the street. Perhaps this is why you were distracted and pulled out in front of me. Maybe you were in the middle of searching for a lost teen, or a disgruntled soldier. Maybe you were looking for a stolen item. Maybe you were just making sure that person was safe, and okay, and not in need of help. Maybe you were exhausted from a horrible night and you're just trying to get through the final hour of your shift before you can go home and fall in to bed. Maybe you're drained from people cursing you, yelling at you, hating you...
I want you to know that I am praying for you, and all of the other individuals who share your profession. I want to declare that I teach my children that you are heroes, and you should be valued as such. My children shout out "THANK YOU!" at the top of their lungs when you drive by in your cars. I wave, but most of the time you don't see (my guess is you've become so accustomed to being flipped off that you've learned to stop looking). I. am. thankful. for. you.
There have been moments when you've held my own life in your hands. You were course, rough, and not exactly the most friendly. But God gave you the ability to see what the needs were, and handle the situation. I am in awe. You saw me in my ugliest moment, knee deep in the middle of what was the worst period of my life, the darkest journey my soul has walked through to date. I was desperate, destroyed, lost. And you were about to arrest me. Crazy, isn't it? That I still admired you, as you read me my rights? I did and I do. Because it's your job to defend the law, to protect the people, to participate in justice.
It worked out that the truth was exposed (before I was cuffed). You had the ability to see through my lies, my protection, my attempt to hold it all together, and you saved me. You saved me when I was incapable of saving myself. You protected me when I was resistant to the safety that you offered. You were my heroes, even when I was so terrified of the result of that heroism. And you, saved my life. You helped to give me back what I adored with every fiber of my being. And I bet you never knew it. You were there and gone in one night and you never knew that you changed my world for the better.
I'm sure I've over sharing a bit. I tend to ramble about things that really matter to me. I often times repeat myself over and over again, because the clarity of thought is difficult to separate from the intensity of the sincere emotions. Please know this: I value your contribution to my safety. I will continue to buy you a meal, when I can. I will continue to wave when you drive by. I will do my best to show you my gratitude, make you have a smile, and brighten your day. I will continue to pray that the Holy Spirit will protect your heart and mind from bitterness and resentment, that you will remain soft despite all of the horrible components to humanity that you see every day. I will continue to pray for your families to have peace and comfort despite you always having to work on Christmas/New Years/Thanksgiving/weekends/every-other-holiday. I will continue to pray for your safety because this is Jesus, as I know Him to be. And this is Love the only way I know how to show it.
I hope your day today is filled with an abundance of blessings. I hope you are flooded with beauty and majesty and glory today. I hope you know you are valued.
Sincerely,
The Honking Mom
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