grandfather

I am in a terrible position. My heart keeps envisioning me going to him and whispering in his ear, "Grandpa...Please accept Jesus, so I can dance with you in heaven." This vision keeps clouding my mind and calling me towards my grandfather. And I am torn in two directions. Should I stay, or should I go? If I go, I put my family in great financial strains, as well as risking the life of my son. If I stay, I risk the opportunity to witness to my grandfather. He and I have a unique bond. A glorious and special bond. And mutual admiration and respect. I have always told him the truth, and vice versa. I would almost go so far as to call it a friendship. Countless times I have called him in tears over various situations in my life. I can't even say how many times he's comforted me in regards to my husband's job. On those days of complete and utter emotional exhaustion with his absence, my grandpa has made me laugh, and given me immeasurable comfort. He has told me it's okay to cry, and that my crying doesn't make me weak. He has recounted his admiration for my husband and my family and the gifts that we've given to this country. He has reminded me of the strengths within me. My grandpa is my friend. It is only an additional joy that he is also my bloodline.

Death is awful. Especially when my heart aches so much that I can't be at his side. When my spirit wants desperately to call him my brother in Christ. Never have I wanted anything more. How can I say goodbye to my friend without knowing that we will both honor Jesus in heaven? I have this horrible dilemma. I am grieved. I wish I could just go. I wish I could go with no cost. I wish I could go with no potential sacrifices. I know that my grandpa understands if I can't come. And yet, I can't shake this feeling that he's waiting for me to come. I don't know if it's some delirious part of my ego that is feeling that way, or if it's the Holy Spirit telling me that I am the one to go witness to him one last time. Oh that life would only be simplified.

My glory is in this. My God is greater than death. He is greater than distance, than sickness, than sadness, than war, than any thing that has ever been seen or imagined. He is greater than this. And He is my heart's rock and salvation. In Him I find rest and comfort. And I lay this down at His feet, and wait for His guidance. He is my King of Kings and Lord of Lords. I will be still, know You are God.

grief

I am amazed at how evil people can be. People will just make up blatant lies out of thin air, and then completely lay it all down as if one person has done such atrocious things. I am hurting. I am hurting because I have had to walk away from my friends. I have had to say goodbye to good women. Women, that I respect and enjoy being with. I have had to do this all because I have to honor my husband and obey his commands. But my heart grieves. My heart hurts with an anguish that is difficult to define. It feels like evil has won. It feels like injustice is thriving whole heartedly in this place. The bad guys get to seem innocent, while the innocent are condemned as evil. How long will injustice dwell at Fort Bliss? How long will the vile, evil, manipulative, dishonest women continue to rule the day? Will their deceptions be made known? I know that vengeance is God's. I know that He controls all things. But I am so sad. I pray for my friends I have said goodbye to. I pray that God will bring good people in to their lives. That God will take care of them. I pray that they will have peace in their lives. I miss them. I truly do.