Brun

I have been saying for ages that something was not right with this child. We were never able to console her. She would cry for hours, scream. No amount of holding or rocking could get her to sleep. She was never happy. Even in the NICU, she'd cry all the time. She never attached herself to my husband or me. She never cared whether we were holding her, or someone else was. In fact, most of the time she preferred other people over her daddy and me. People said, maybe she has colic, maybe the lobster and I were so tired and stressed out and she sensed that. She was six months old and not rolling over. She had to do tummy time for hours out of the day so that she would be forced to roll over, forced to learn to crawl. She was a year old when she finally started sitting up. Still, EP said this was all "normal". She was premature...I was expecting too much. Despite the fact that both her other triplet siblings were almost walking at that point. She wasn't making sounds either. No babbling, no trying to talk. Nothing. She just cried and was silent. Now here it is a year later...she is two years old and hurts herself all the time. Punches herself in the face. Flaps her arms. Bites herself until she bleeds. Stabs herself. And all these people say is that she's "sensory deficient". Are you kidding me!? I am so frustrated. I KNOW she is not well. I KNOW in my heart she is not like my other children. I believe that she is autistic. But the idiot doctor's here say that since she looks me in the eyes, that she's not autistic. I don't know what to do. And so many days I just sit and cry from helplessness and complete frustration. How can people tell me it's normal to have a child not connect with her mother until she is over two years old? To have a child that will have blood filled teeth marks up and down her arms? Who screams and screams unconsollably at the top of her lungs for hours?! A child who wasn't even attempting to speak until she was two, and then overnight began to do it perfectly. There was NO practicing. A child who will sit at the table and do puzzles for two and three hours...A child who can spot and detect the tiniest objects, that even I have difficulty finding. She is a genius. I believe it, and know it with all of my heart. And she is painstakingly afraid of rejection. Perhaps her intellectual ability has caused her to sense the world's behavioral "norms" and she can "fake the funk" for long enough around strangers. I don't know. I legitimately don't know what to do, or where to turn. I am emotionally exhausted and frustrated. And I hurt. I hurt for my child. She is such a beautiful little girl. She is SO beautiful. If people could just see her the way that I do...their hearts would be overwhelmed with emotion. And I can't help her. Because I don't know how. I don't know what to do to help her. And I am so sad. I am so so so sad.

You know when you have one of those days where you want to crawl in to a cave and hide? It's been one of those days. The kids were just aggravating me to the umpth degree. They were screaming and fighting a lot. They were telling me "NO" and back talking in regards to every single situation. And I sit here...grateful. I'm thankful for their back talk. I'm thankful for their fighting personalities. They exhaust me sometimes. But they're beautiful. I love that they're fighters. I love that all four of them have that spark, that determination, that strong will that will carry them so far in their lives. I'm grateful. They are so smart. I'm sure a lot of moms say that their kids are smart and beautiful, etc etc. But mine are! I'm just in awe of how magnificently God has created them. I'm grateful for their cries and their anger. I'm grateful that I get to be here to experience them. There are definitely days when I need a break, or I'm just too burnt out to appreciate them. But I think about the parents who have buried their children, or who's children have been evilly taken away from them, and what they would give to hear the fighting and the crying.
I get these random moments where I see their father so clearly in them. Tonight, in the bath, Brun looked EXACTLY like her daddy. I looked at her, and she had this look on her face that was an expression her father makes. I sat there and I just hugged her. I got all wet, but it was a beautiful moment. I love seeing their father in them. It makes me smile, it makes me feel joy. He is such a wonderful man. I can't say it enough. I am so blessed by God. I have four beautiful, wonderful children. I have one spectacular man. He is the proof that God gives amazing gifts. He's my best friend. I realize that I say that often, but it's true. He calls me his girlfriend. It was something my grandfather used to call my grandmother. And he calls me his girlfriend. I asked him if he said it because my grandfather did, and he said he'd forgotten my grandpa did that and that he does it because he wants me to know he CHOOSES me...isn't obligated to be with me, but rather chooses me every day. How beautiful is that? It's immaculate. It's wonderful. And I'm grateful.
Tonight I will lay my head down on my pillow, and as I always do before I close my eyes, I will look at his picture right next to my bed. His face is always the last face I see at night, and the first one I see in the morning. And I will ask God to give me dreams of him. Because when I dream of him, I feel less alone. I miss him so much more than words could ever say.

my challenge

I love her for being my challenge. I love her for how much she pushes me to different heights and strengths within myself. I love her for her laugh. I love her for her kisses, that she loves to give all the time. I love her for her silliness. I love her strength. I love her intelligence. I love her eyes, and how they change colors depending on what she's wearing. I love her fragility. I love how hard she tries to make me understand, and that she's patient while I work on meeting her at her level. I love her for her broken senses. I love her beautiful heart. I love her smile. I love her hugs. I love her neediness. I love her voice. I love her determination. I love her curly hair. I love her mouth. I love her button nose. I love how she takes her shoes off all the time. I love how she puts diapers on her funshine bear. I love that she wants to be an only child. I love her crying. I love her fighting spirit. I love her emotional responses. I love her frustration. I love her joy. I love her simplicity. I love her complicatedness. I love her for being my challenge. And I am thankful for every moment that she challenges me. I am thankful for every second that she pushes me beyond myself. I love her for teaching me what love is...that it isn't based on your own desires, or hopes or dreams. But that it is simply accepting someone...flaws and all. I love her and everything that comes with her. And she helps me to love God all the more, for giving her to me.

this day

I must admit I am daily amazed by my children. Somehow they can always make me laugh hysterically when I think I'm at the end of my rope. The kids simultaneously tackled me. All four of them...I went down pretty quickly. I don't quite know how they coordinated the event. It was so much fun. They tackled me and tickled me and I was laughing so hard. I'm not ticklish, but it was so funny having the four of them laughing as they went "tickle tickle tickle" to me!

This day has been a day of beginnings. I joined a woman's bible study at my church. We're going through this book called "becoming a woman of contentment". I have been in dire need of that. I am so sick of Christian women cliche's or overall fakeness when it comes to women and faith. I mean, lets be honest...many women wear masks and pretend that everything is great when they're at church, in order to seem at peace and like they're content in their circumstances. I definitely believe there is a time for mourning. I believe that it is not anti Christ to have sadness and stress and pain. It is important to experience the emotions, and lean on your sisters in Christ. I do however, also believe, it is critically important to never lose site of our foundation of hope. Life is NOT meaningless. Christ is the basis behind our every things. And the hope in times of need.

I talked to Mike today. I am so blessed to have such a wonderful man. He was giving me such heavenly peace. He reminded me of how much God is in control and how He is our fate decider. I thank God that I married to a man that I can share my faith with. I don't know how women do it when they don't share that. I love being able to pray with Mike and go through my faith struggles with Mike. I told him today that I really admire him. I have never known a man to take his role in life with such significance. He strives so hard to be a good leader for his men, a good husband, and a good example for our children. I am so grateful. God is so good. He is so thoughtful when He picks our mates. He has never said that our lives will not be hard. But I have been blessed that He decided to give me a partner that is my soul mate in every way.