fun

I am SO excited today. I don't really have any specific reason to be excited but I am. This past week has been lengthy and tiring. My spirit has felt down trodden and grumpy and just plain blah. But today...today I woke up and I feel renewed. I feel so joyful! I don't even know why. It's not like anything particularly exciting has occurred. I just feel like dancing and running around. I feel like being silly and goofy. I feel like letting loose, stopping being so serious, dancing around my living room with my little girls, and rockin' out. I feel like focusing on the hilarious moments that occur all the time. I feel like telling jokes. I feel like being fun.

So I think I'll get off of here and go do that. :)

nutshells

I was sitting here staring at my computer and trying to figure out what to write in this blog. A LOT has been going on in my life the past few weeks, and it is difficult to sort of process it all and try to jot it down.

First things first, I am STILL daily doing my PRT. I have noticed that my results are still improving but my push ups are sort of plateau-ing. It's a bit frustrating but I will push through it. Oh, and guess what? Despite cutting my calories and working out more, I have GAINED weight! Say what!? Yup! That's right I have gained. But I've lost inches, so I am going in the category of muscle weighing more than flabby fatso. :) Or maybe that's just what I want to believe! HA! Don't judge me! :)

Second of all, my husband and I are in the beginning of the end of time together. Well, not forever (at least I hope not), but time together before he heads back over to the middle east. This will be trip numero cinco (number five for you non spanish speaking folks). I have had a whirlwind of emotions but I know that God is in control and He has a plan. But pray for us. I seriously appreciate ALL prayers!

Thirdly, this is the first time in a long time where Bible studies are going on and I am not leading one. Hello uncomfortable zone! Nice to meet you! I feel weird, because my heart wants me to be leading one. But yet the Man Upstairs made it very clear that this "semester" is a time of slowing down and that's what I'm doing.

That's all for now. Wow, I really did nutshell that stuff down! Ha! Hope you all are doing well.

Tonight

Tonight he isn't a statistic. He isn't a single digit in the midst of a million digits. He isn't a soldier. He isn't a political point. He isn't for anyone career ambitions or gain. Tonight this isn't easy. Tonight I don't have the smile and the "go get 'em" attitude. Tonight I don't feel happy and elated.

Tonight I am overwhelmed. Tonight. I. Hurt. I hurt so deeply and sincerely. I hurt in words I don't know how to convey or explain. I hurt for my husband. I hurt for my children. I hurt for myself. I hurt for my empty arms, and my waterfalls of tears. I hurt for our half empty bed, and our lonely children, because no matter how hard I try, I just don't play like daddy does.

I hurt for our movie nights, that will no longer be "ours" but will become "mine". I hurt for the many moments throughout my day that I will try so hard to remember to tell him "whenever" he calls, but will likely forget. I hurt for the smiles, baths, developmental steps, tears, giggles, birthdays, celebrations that he won't be a part of. Gone, but never forgotten. I hurt for the stupid freaking trashcans that every single time they fill up I will be reminded of the agony of dropping him off at the company and getting in my car and driving away. I hurt for his sink that will be bone dry because I won't use it. I hurt for his dirty clothes that I know I won't be washing, drying, folding and putting away. I hurt for his pillowcase that will eventually stop smelling like him. I hurt for the empty slot in the toothbrush holder. I hurt for the vacant bed side table. I hurt for his shoes, his socks, his army crap, his wallet, his keys, that will no longer be strewn about my house.

I hurt for his Bible, which won't be read by him, in his voice, to our children every night.

I hurt for our children. Who are older now, and ask a million questions. I hurt for my oldest who screamed "GET ME OUT OF HERE!" as she bawled her eyes out when we dropped her dad off the last time. Up until that point, I had never seen her so upset in my life. And I have never seen her upset like that since then.

Five times. Five times he will have been there. I keep wondering when the pace will slow, and when all of this will end. I know we volunteered for this. I know that we have given this to our country. I am happy to do it. I am thankful to give it. I know that my God and my King is so much bigger than anything I could hope for or imagine, and that He will beautifully and lovingly carry me through every single second that we are apart. I don't doubt it for a second.

But tonight it hurts. It hurts more than I know how to say. It hurts so much as I sit here with the training calendar in front of me. I am completely overwhelmed. Right now, in front of me, the totality of the large amounts of months, days, hours, minutes is a lot to hold. In a few moments this will all be over. I will be back to the day to day experience of this beautiful life.

But tonight it hurts. Right now, it hurts.