Tick tock

I find it strange that so many human beings want someone to notice them, but yet go to great lengths to blend in. We want to be someone's familiar. We want to be studied.

I want my husband to have me so permanently memorized that my very smell can conjure up emotions. I want him to be able to describe to you in perfect detail, the way I pour my cereal, prepare it, and eat it. I want to know with complete certainty that he and I are that meshed together.

So then why do we play games? Why are we so manipulative and foggy in our actions? Why is it that when our heart's mates ask us questions like "What's wrong?" we immediately launch in to this dance of "Nothing..." (heavy sigh)...etc etc etc. Why do we pretend like we don't want people to know our suffering, when in truth and reality it is exactly what we want people to know.

Why do I sit here in this house feeling so many different feelings and emotions that I do not know how to describe? Why do I feel so lost in a thousand different conflicting feelings?

I miss him. I miss the magical moments that seem to occur over and over again when he's around. I miss the running into each others arms and sitting entangled on the sofa talking for hours at night. I miss laughing together and talking and being silly. I miss playing. I miss dancing. I miss fellowshipping. He is my best friend and when he's not around...

I feel so angry about his job. I am so tired of it taking him away all of the time. Bitterness is working so hard at taking up residence in my heart...Truthfully I grow weary of constantly battling it away.

The tick tocking of the fifth deployment is constantly going off in my head. So strongly that every moment, heart beat, experience is already feeling like a countdown to goodbyes. How many more birthdays before he leaves again? We'd better make Christmas count this year because next year...I am feeling sorry for myself. I hate it when I do that. I hate feeling all of these negative feelings.

The other half of this equation is joy, thankfulness, peace and trust. I know his going aways are good. I know they have a purpose. They are honorable. I am honored that I get to be a part of this beautiful gift we collectively give to God and country.

My confidence and joy comes from God. I know that. Truly I do. I have barely seen him...that soldier of mine. He works so late and comes home exhausted and goes to bed.

Here I am sitting on one of the days he was supposed to be home "early". It's almost eight and he isn't home yet. I wish I could describe how deeply I want to be tangled up on the sofa talking to him. This, however, is not to be in this moment. He's busy. He's off playing war so that he'll be ready in a few months when he goes back to real war. Oh how I want him to play well. Be prepared. Tick tock. Tick. Tock.

Ryan Aaron...

Whose eyes would you have had? Mine or your daddy's? What would your smile have been? What would your laugh have sounded like? Were you shy, or outgoing? Were you bold or easily frightened? Did you look like me? Or daddy?'

The two weeks we had you with us were beautiful. The gift you gave me in those days was beyond measure. Beyond what I could have hoped for or imagined...you were more than I believed I wanted, or could have had. We were filled with fear, then peace, then excitement. You had a name. It seems to be a tradition with us...almost immediately we pick names. Perhaps that's foolish...I don't know.

I wanted to hold you. I wanted to nurse you. I wanted to hear you cry. And when my broken, foolish, unwilling body failed you...

I am so sorry. 

I believe that Sunday morning, you went to heaven. You left me, your daddy, and your brother and sisters and went to be with Jesus. This world wasn't big enough to hold you. You came for such a brief second, for only a moment of a heartbeat, and then you were gone. 

I stood in that worship service...unable to sing. All I did was cry. Not for you... You are in a much more beautiful place then I could ever have given you. I cried for me. I cried for what I imagined myself being able to give you. I cried for the hurt in not having all of the beautiful moments I could have had. 

I must admit it was so strange to have affected me so greatly. I am such an unemotional being. At least, not so much in the outward fragile sense... When we discovered that morning that you had left us... I put on a smile, told your daddy, and attempted to go about my day. The physical pain was unbearable. I've never experienced pain like that. Perhaps my body agreed with my heart and ached over our goodbye. Your daddy asked me if I wanted to go to church, I told him it was where I knew I needed to be... I needed those moments of tears in the darkness. I needed to hear the songs, and be abandoned from reality...pour out my soul at His feet. Yes, I could've done this anywhere... I find immense comfort in singing to your Creator when I am heartbroken.

It was in the car on the way there, that I couldn't stop. We started the engine and one of your siblings laughed...and I just couldn't help it. Tears started falling. I ached for you. I wanted you back. 

For I know the plans I have for you...

I look forward to the day when I meet your smiling face. When I hear your laugh. When I see our Creator in your eyes. I long for the day when my arms get to hold you.

Thank you for being with us. I am so sorry that I did not get to hold you for longer...

With all my heart...

It's a darkened room, lit only with candles. The faces are hard to make out until I start moving in closer. I walk around and begin to realize they are all there. Some of them familiar, some of them not. They are all looking at me. Talking about me. Murmuring about me. I immediately become self conscious. Why are they looking at me? What am I doing here? I spot some of my "trophies" huddled together: Chris, Cardamon, Sam... Each of them beautiful in their own unique ways. Each of them pinging a deep sense of regret and sadness into my heart. There are more boys there too, though none of them hold the same level of significance to the three...Henry, Caleb, Lukas, Mark, Aaron, Steve... Don't we all have a "steve" somewhere in our histories? Chad, Bryan, Ruben, and on and on and on. There are even some there whose faces I recall, but names I don't remember...

Each of them know something, anything, too much about me. I am distracted and uncomfortable. But also curious. Part of me delights, secretly, in this sadistic recollection of each piece of myself that I offered to them. My heart, my tears, my laughter, my trust, my lies, my insanity, my immaturity, my purity, my body...The three hold the highest regard in the aspect of each of those parts. The three held my heart the longest. The three changed me. Forever.

I begin to feel angry. As I tiptoe through the room trying to fade into the wallpaper, my gaze falls upon Him. There He is standing there. He's silent. Staring at me. I don't really feel all that guilty. I'm single. I'm free. I know He forgives me. What's the big deal? He focuses His stare at me for a long time. I stare right back, hiding my shame but determined to act confident. After what feels like ages, He points off in the darkness. The men separate. I can tell a figure is standing there, but I can't make out who it is. My parents? A friend? My self?

Slowly I start to walk forward. Something is pushing me towards that figure. Maybe this is the end of my life. Maybe all of these men are examples of how terrible I am. I start to question myself, and my outward confidence begins to fade.

The figure starts to take shape. It's a man. It's not someone I recognize. He is not very tall. I can see his shoes. They're black. His clothes start to take shape...Camo... His face comes into the light. He is a soldier.

I laugh at Him and say, "What the heck do you think you're trying to do here? Don't you see? I have never struggled for finding men to pay attention to me.I certainly don't want someone who is never around."

He says nothing to me. He walks over to the soldier. He positions himself so His face is right up to the soldier's face. He starts saying something but I can't hear. The soldier laughs, then He disappears into the shadows.

The soldier starts looking at me with the kindest face I've ever seen. The soldier starts beckoning me to come to him. Something about him is so familiar to me, but I don't know what it is. I begin to feel very uncomfortable. I look around at all of the men and laugh nervously. The soldier keeps calling me...more and more passionately. I start to turn away, because it's beginning to make me feel afraid. I run over to Sam and hide my face in his chest. Sam comforts me because that's just the sort of guy he is. While I am hiding in Sam, the whole time we both keep hearing that soldier saying my name over and over again.

I can feel the eyes of each of those men on me. I start to feel embarrassed. Each of them have seen so much in me. Each of them know too much about me. How can I possibly go over to the soldier like this? I am filthy, my heart is gone. I am stained with the blood, flesh and scent of those men that I gave the pieces of my heart to, Chris. Cardamon. Sam. All the rest.

I push away from Sam. The comfort I found in him for a while is gone. He begins to be a stronger symbol of what I hate in myself. I have nothing to give to this soldier.

The soldier keeps calling me, gesturing for me to come there. I decide that maybe I can deceive him. Maybe I can scrub all of the filth off. Maybe I can go to each of those men and take my heart's pieces back. I start chasing them, demanding my heart back. Every time I try to take my heart back from them, it attaches more strongly to them. The soldier keeps calling me...but he can't possibly understand! He can't possibly know there isn't anything left for him! He wouldn't want me if he knew!

I start to cry. First one tear, then another, then another. Before I know it I am wailing. It's the sort of cry that pierces into the depths of the darkness and penetrates the soul. It's the hardest I have ever cried in my life. I fall to the floor...broken...shattered...drained. He shows up and comes over to me.

I start to cry to Him. Why did you bring that soldier here? Why do you play with my heart? I have nothing left to give the soldier! I have nothing left! Leave me alone here!

He comes over to me and picks me up from the ground. He takes His clothes and begins to wipe my skin. The filth that was on me starts to transfer off of me, on to Him. I am now clean, and He is dirty. I feel shamed. I feel sad. I still have no heart to give to that soldier. But how can I ask Him to give me a heart when He already voluntarily put on my filth? It seems that He senses this thought in my head. He reaches into Himself, and hands me a piece of His heart. As He holds it up, all of the pieces of my heart that were attached to the men, are ripped from them, and are formed around His heart. My heart molds and shapes into a new heart, and He puts it into my chest.

I am silent. I don't know how to explain. I can hear the soldier calling me, but I don't want to move. Tears pour out of my eyes...and I say, "Thank You." He smiles and gestures me towards the soldier. I say, "I don't want to leave You!" He finally speaks and says, "Baby girl...I am in you now. Love the soldier with My heart, not your own, and I will be with you always."

He walks with me toward the soldier. I am petrified. I have no idea what it means to love with His heart. He takes my hand, and joins it to the soldiers. He says, "What I have joined together, let no man tear apart." With those words, all of the men in the room disappear. The room morphs and changes into a romantic setting. I am now dressed in the most beautiful ball gown. A quintet of musicians are in the room playing "Come Rain or Come Shine". There are rose petals everywhere. I ask the soldier what He had said to him. The soldier replied, "He said, 'She's a firecracker, but she's just what you need. You asked me to give you a woman with My heart. Here she is. Take care of her. She puts up a brave front, but she's fragile. Keep your eyes on Me, and I'll show you how to lead her. I'll teach you how to challenge her. I'll teach you how to hold her. I'll teach you how to fight her. I'll teach you how to love her. I promise you there will be difficult days. But at least she is funny, and will always keep you laughing."

Then the soldier said, "You are exactly what I prayed for and everything I hoped for. I will love you all of my days."

I knew that He had rescued me from the arms of those men. I knew He had brought me to such an amazing gift. I was so thankful, that we walked out of that room arm in arm...the soldier on one side, Jesus in the middle, and me on the other.

I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine. Thank You for cleaning me and making me white as snow.

I "think" I can? Psshhh. I KNOW I can! :)

Have you ever been stuck in an oh woe is me mentality? You know what I'm talking about. The kind where you say to yourself, "I could maybe be like susie smith if I didn't have seven children" or "a husband deployed" or "no money" or a thousand other "ors" that can finish out that sentence. We are constantly comparing ourselves to other women and declaring in our minds and hearts how we don't measure up. Then we lay out a list of a thousand reasons why "she" is able to do something that we are not.

I have often found myself guilty of this type of thinking. I am one of those "I just can't" type of thinkers. "I can't road trip across the US with my four kids and two dogs by myself." "I can't keep a neat and tidy house, I've got four young children!" "I can't contribute financially to my family." "I can't think in advance about how to help my husband and adjust my day accordingly." "I can't! I can't! I can't!"

I had the pleasure of meeting a most beautiful individual. You know those women that you meet and you immediately see in them a beauty, passion, peace, joy, and complete wonderfulness in them? I'm not saying she's perfect, but I'm talking about those people that you go, "Oh my goodness I just want to soak you in and learn how to incorporate your wisdom into my life!"

I am all about studying people. Seriously! If I see someone around me who is doing something wonderful, I want to learn from them and change behaviors in myself! Why wouldn't I? To not do that seems completely and utterly foolish. If I meet someone who is joyful, I want to learn how to be joyful! Study! If I meet someone caring, I want to learn how to be more caring! The list goes on and on. I want to learn from the people who have already figured stuff out!!! :)

Okay, back to the beautiful woman I met. She has a LOT of children. Seriously. More than I do. She has a joy in her heart rarely seen in women's lives. Her home? Beautiful! Seriously. The dream that I hold in my heart for my home to look like. She homeschools. She road trips with all of her kids! But this is what makes her amazing. In all of the things that she successfully accomplishes, she is not prideful, she is not boastful, she is not holding herself up on a pedestal. In fact, she does the opposite. She does not fill her day with "I can not's", but instead she says, "I can!" and DOES!

I was so blessed to meet her, because she inspired me! I have been so surrounded by an attitude of defeatism (I would do XYZ if I had less children, or more time, or more money, etc etc). But seeing this beautiful woman accomplishing so much showed me how wrong my thought processes have been. I CAN do anything I set my mind to. There is enough time in a day to accomplish everything I have in my heart to accomplish. All it takes is proper planning and mapping things out.

I was so encouraged to meet her. I won't post her name all over this page because it might cause her to feel awkward. I hope she knows how thankful I am to just know she exists! :)

Open the eyes of the blind.

Many of you know how often I have been writing about my oldest triplet. She has brought into my life so many beautiful and wonderful gifts. I am excited to inform you...I am truly just starting to get to know this ray of heaven.

A couple of weeks ago, on a weird whim, I thought it would be good to get my children's eyes checked. I have no idea what made me do it except that God put it on my heart and it all panned out.

At this appointment, I wasn't surprised when my autistic flower (Triplet A) didn't read the shapes on the wall. She kept calling out any word that would pop into her head. What is this one? (It was a hand) "Car!" she would say with enthusiasm. Nope....not a car... This happened with every single shape, no matter how big or small they were. I will admit to you, that I felt a bit frustrated. I told the tech that she was autistic and that was probably impacting things.

The doc came in and did all sorts of funny tests I had never seen before. He put 3D glasses on each of the kids and had them look at a picture of a giant fly. He then instructed them to pinch the wings...Triplet's B and C did this pretty well. Triplet A....failed miserably. She didn't even pinch, she just tapped the picture. Doc said, this is a sign that her eyes are bad, but it's hard to be sure since she's autistic. Then he had them look at a series of pictures and to pick out the picture jumping up at them (with the 3D glasses on). Triplet's A and B, could not successfully do this. Triplet C...got it down perfectly (on a side note, she was also the only one who named all of the pictures and did everything perfectly...). Off to eyes dilation they went.

When their eyes were finally dilated, each of them hopped up in the big chair while the doc examined their eyes. The Doc was completely amazing with each of my children. He genuinely made each of them feel safe and comfortable and there was not a SINGLE tear in the entire three hour long appointment. I was amazed. I think I might send him a card asking him to come and babysit my children...seriously, he was THAT good! :)

Okay, back to my story... Triplet C had perfect eyes. Doc said he couldn't even see the slightest hint that she was premature (he explained that almost all premature babies have vision damage...even if it's slight and doesn't impact their ability to see. He said you can see in the shape of their retinas that they were premature). He was amazed, as was I, since she was my tiniest baby. Triplet B (my boy) had some vision damage. Nothing too serious, but he would need glasses, which explained why he had a bit of trouble with the 3D imaging.

The time came for Triplet A to hop up there. Immediately he started pulling all of the lenses out to look at her eyes. He seriously was looking at her eyeballs for about forty five minutes. He then asked if I would mind if he took her out to test her eyes with a special machine (I am amazed at the advancements in technology that exist!). I didn't mind at all. A few minutes later he brought her back and announced the verdict: "She can barely see." She is almost to the point of being legally blind. Her up close vision is nearly perfect, however from about a foot out from her eyes, everything gets blurry. I started to cry. All of these thoughts starting pouring in to my mind...With all of the things that this child has had done to her (examinations, CT scans, MRI's, child development tests, specialist visits, etc etc etc) NO ONE had suggested to me EVER to check her eyes. I started to question, why didn't I see this? Why didn't I know? The Doc said she had probably never been able to see. The vision damage was so severe that he wanted to test her eyes on the machine to make sure his calculations were correct. He said in his entire career, he had not seen a three year old with such extreme vision loss. So I started to wonder...is she really autistic? Or is it just that this beautiful child has never been able to see? I asked him if this could be the case. He said that in all honesty he didn't know, but that he believed she has probably never been able to see. He said the biggest clue will be after she has had her glasses for a couple of months, to see if her behavior changes.

When we were in the office, the doc created a pair of "test" glasses (metal frames that have removable lenses) to see how she adjusted to them. I wish you could've been in the room with her. When he put them on her, an expression came over her face that I have never seen before. Her jaw dropped and she just stared. She didn't move, she made no sound. Her eyes were big and she just stared at the world in front of her. I started to cry again in watching my little girl see things that she had never been able to see before. The Doc said, "Watch mom. She's going to get these shapes now that she can see!" He started the picture test again, and I kid you not....she named EVERY. SINGLE. PICTURE perfectly! Picture of a hand, nailed it! Picture of a car, nailed it! Cake, got it! Every single one! Doc said, "See!? She just couldn't see!"

When we went to the glasses place to fill her prescription, even they commented on how bad her eyes were. The woman helping me was like, are they certain this prescription is correct? And then she double checked Triplet A's eyes with the machine there! But it turns out...yes her eyes are THAT bad.

When we got home that afternoon, I spent a few moments talking to her about her eyes. I said, "Did you know you couldn't see?" She said, "No." Then I said, "I'm sorry I didn't know you needed help." She said, "Mommy...my eyes are not working. They are broken." Through tear filled eyes I said, "Yup. They're not working right, but you're going to get glasses to help them work better! Are you excited!?" She shook her head yes and said, "I can't wait!" Beautiful moment!!!

I will also throw in here, I had an afternoon of tears and guilt. Her eyes are bad most likely because of her prematurity and how long she spent on a ventilator. For every day spent on a ventilator, the damage to the eyes, ears and brain gets more risky. The longer you're on it...the more the risk of permanent damage. Triplet A was vented for over three weeks. I have cried and felt so heartbroken but in that mixture of sadness, I was also excited. I couldn't wait to see how this would change her!

My son's glasses came in first. He wasn't very excited about wearing them, but after a few hours he adjusted and now doesn't seem to mind it.

I was a bit nervous about Triplet A and glasses. She is for certain sensory deficient and I had a lot of nerves about whether or not she would hurt herself with these lenses on her face. I had these images of her poking her eyeballs or breaking the lenses or all sorts of different things. My mom told me not to worry. My husband told me not to worry (they both wear glasses....I do not). They both said that she'll probably love having them.

After what felt like ten thousand days, her glasses finally came in. She was excited to go with daddy to the store to pick them up. Within five minutes of having her new glasses on, she broke them. Thankfully we ordered two pairs (a nice set and a back up set) for each of them. Walmart offers a one year free warranty on all of their glasses, so my husband just dropped them back off to be repaired, put her back up pair on her and then home they came!

The child that walked into my house is a child I have never known. What used to be my reserved, quiet, shy, barely audible, always alone child is gone. I have not seen that child in the past week (she's had her glasses a week today). Into my home walked a outgoing, curious, playful, hilarious, leading, boisterous child. This child who rarely smiled, rarely talked now sparks up conversations all the time. It's almost like this world around her was revealed to her and now she just wants to talk about it all the time! In the car her eyes are wide open and focused on the outside world. Whereas before she had her finger in her mouth and would be silent, now she's pointing things out and staring in awe. She has fallen in love with books! She reads them all the time and begs to be read to. She is hilarious too! I never in my wildest dreams knew that this child was funny. This girl is cracking jokes and doing hilarious things all day long. She used to be afraid all the time...not anymore! She runs around all the time (never used to do that). She laughs! She laughs all the time. And her laughter melts my heart every single time I hear it because it is so new! She's talking about her best friend (Triplet C is her best friend and they "share everything"), and wanting to do things...ASKING to do things!

I am so emotional over this subject. I don't know if she is autistic or not. Truthfully, it hasn't been long enough to know for sure. If things continue in this direction...I would say that no she isn't, but truthfully, it doesn't matter. The moments I have had with her this past week I wouldn't give up for anything. God has given me a miracle. He has given me so many beautiful gifts that I am thankful for. But to see my child come alive after three and a half years....there are no words that I could adequately write for you to understand. My heart is so emotional. My thankfulness is beyond my ability to define.

Oh how my heart sings. Thank You God for this gift. Even if these moments fade away and she fades back into the darkness, I am still thankful. Thank You for giving me these days that I will never forget. Thank You for helping her to see. Thank You for showing her foolish mother that she needed help, when she was unable to ask for it herself. Thank You for knowing what we all need, even when we don't know it. Thank You for giving us the desires of our hearts, even when we have a faith so small that we don't know how to ask for them. Thank You! Thank You! Thank You!

Mark 8.25 "Jesus put his hands on the man's eyes. Then his eyes were opened, his sight was restored, and he saw everything clearly."

My beautiful baby can see. She can see!