Love

 Love,

    Time stands still some days. I feel like I'm doing all that I can to force the breath to move in and out of my lungs. I feel exhausted and conflicted and all over the map. I feel like every feeling is completely out of control so I exercise myself to the point of exhaustion, and I micromanage the things that I can in the juvenile hope that control will make me feel safe. Control will numb the sorrow.

    Did I mention that some days I wrap myself up in your clothes so that I don't feel like you're so far away? Some days I bury my face in your things hanging up in the closet and shut my eyes so tightly so that I can pretend you're standing there filling them. Some days I long for the physical presence of you that my arms, chest, and body physically aches. Dramatic, I know, but also true.

    We get on the phone and I can't find any words to say because how do I describe the storm in my spirit without making you feel guilty? How do I express how desperately I want you to be here without having to dive in to consequences and choices and decisions that have been intentionally made?

    From the moment I met you, the time spent without you feels like a vacuum of darkness. It feels like all of the best parts of me disappear and I'm left trying to figure out how to keep on truckin'. It's why I ran away the first time you deployed because this love that you've brought to my heart was so overwhelming and agonizing that it was easier to numb myself and shut it down. Except numbing ourselves to hurt always means numbing ourselves to joy.

    I am working on intentionally sitting in the aches that I want to avoid. Grounding myself in the pain so that I don't lose out on any of the sun drops of joy that abound. Looking at your face flooded my heart with so much light today. Feeling the butterflies in my stomach, the longing in my chest, and the many emotions that you wear on your face is a pleasure. Even if we aren't saying any words, sitting silently looking at each other through a phone camera while our children talk about driving, and dating, and college, and all of the things that are such big experiences, all I could do was smile. 

    Look at what we've made. Two broken-family kids, scared to pieces, desperate for the comfort that only the other can bring. We have four human beings who are utterly fantastic, and somehow we get to be a part of that. I look at them and I see you. I see the way you wear your emotions on your sleeve, the way you force yourself to do so.many.things that your heart doesn't want to. I see your endurance and your strength. I see the resilience of a man a million times stronger than I am, capable of holding me up while I learn how to put myself back together, and vulnerable enough to let me do the same for him. I see the way you carry patience like a warrior, understanding that God will make everything okay, even when nothing feels okay.

    You take my breath away. I am now, and have been since I met you, completely in awe of you, utterly yours. You have taught me what it is to feel, to stop numbing myself from the hurts and the harms, and I struggle to remember that when you're gone.

    Right now I'm wrapped up in your sweatshirt, looking at your picture, sitting in the joy and the sadness, the grief and the elation, that has come over the years. I can't wait until you're home.

July 4, 2022

 Kids,

    There are moments where I have wished I was dead. The darkness and the heaviness of life bombards my spirit and I feel worthless, unimportant, irrelevant. Society, reading this, would label me as depressed. I, however, feel that description does not fit the narrative of my life or my being. These moments, these periods that descend upon my spirit serve a purpose. It's my soul's way of saying Hey! You're not taking care of yourself. You're unhappy with something in your life. It's time for a change. 

    Change is powerful, and it almost always begins with me. This morning I woke up feeling so utterly full of sorrow. That simultaneous feeling of sorrow mixes with rage and it serves up a concoction of darkness in my heart. 

    On the walk this morning, God and I had perhaps one of the most intense conversations we've had in a while. Why? I asked Him why about everything. Why do I starve myself and still gain weight? Why do I work out 7 days a week, for an hour every.single.day and look like I devour donuts and tubs of ice cream? Why does my size make me so utterly angry? Why is my husband such a heartless asshole when he's deployed? Why do I have to make all of the effort, all of the connections, all of the work to sustain a twenty year relationship? Why does it hurt so much that my children are growing up? Why do I dream about babies literally every single night, jolting me awake and back into reality? Why? Why do I feel so completely alone? Why am I unable to say any of these written words out loud? Why is it when someone calls, or someone makes efforts to connect with me, I instantly play a persona of chipper and happy "everything's fine!"? 

    Today I feel so utterly alone. Today. This too shall pass. These feelings are not reality, they are simply emotions. I have the ability to think logically when my emotions attempt to drown out the reality around me. I am richly and deeply loved. I am not alone. I am capable and strong. I have enormous amounts of self control. I get up every single day and exercise my body, not for a size but for strength. I am not the summation of my emotions. Nor do my emotions define my life experience. This day is rough. You too will have rough days. You will have days where you feel like everything is futile and exhausting. You will want to run away, or give up the good fight. You will feel drained and depleted, like no one sees you, loves you, or appreciates you. You will have moments where your bucket is bone dry and you don't have the energy to turn on the tap. You will have times where your body does not do what you want or expect it to do, and that will make you feel very frustrated. These moments in your life can be very difficult to walk through. I challenge you to ask them Why? I challenge you to follow up the question why with Is it true? 

    There have been days where I wished I didn't wake up. I wanted to escape the hurts that I carry, or avoid the sorrow I knew would come at me. By God's grace, every single minute is new. There are exactly zero duplicates. 

    This morning, I left to walk the dogs on the verge of tears. I felt angry and helpless and ready to walk away. Then 2 came running out the front door after me to go for the walk, completely unaware of the storm in my soul. We walked in the quiet for a while, and then she talked to me about her passions. By the end of the walk, the heaviness felt lighter. Not because she fixed me (we didn't even discuss my feelings whatsoever), but simply because when my feelings were screaming You're all alone! her presence reminded my brain that my feelings are not always true. 

    May we all understand the truth of ourselves, and give grace in abundance. I love you!

Service

 Kids,

    When my cousin mentioned he was moving here and I offered to help him move in, I did not assume you four would help. If I volunteer myself for something, it is me who is volunteering. Knowing the four of you, I expected at least one of you to volunteer to help too because that's the way you are: hard workers, helpful, kind. In the spitting image of your father. It's beautiful.

    When I got off the phone with my cousin, I mentioned I was going to help him move in and asked if any of you wanted to help. To my surprise all four of you cheerfully volunteered. Even the one of you who is the least excited about physical labor (you know who you are). 

    It was beautiful to do something kind with all of you. It was such a delight to my heart to watch all of you work so hard to be useful. I know I said several times how proud of you I was, and how much I valued your help. But I know that as the years pass, and you finally sit down and read this thing, you may have forgotten the moments where you blew me away. In an hour and a half, we had everything off the truck and moved in. None of you complained, or whined, even with scratches and a sprained ankle. Wow. 

    I hope you never stop having hearts of service. To be fair, it is a fundamental element of your parents are. We both believe in serving others. We both believe that the greatest gift we could ever give to someone is our time, though it looks like different things in our lives. I imagine that service will look differently in your own lives as well.

    Thank you for being who you are. As you are growing up the moments of snuggles and cuddles fade away, and it becomes difficult to find the opportunities to express the very genuine and deep high regard with which I hold you all. You are fantastic human beings. I am so privileged and honored that I get to be one of the adult humans who help you navigate the world while you are young. What a joy it is to be your mom. Thank you for being so wonderful.