Marriage advice

To so many of my lovely single/dating/deciding-if-you-want-to-marry-your-BF/GF friends, here is some advice: Pay HEAVY attention to their flaws. Don't ignore them. Don't pass over them without a care thinking that your "love" is going to cure all and fix all. Your partner has very real flaws, and you're an idiot if you ignore them.

Harsh? Yes. But I'm sick and tired of being on the receiving end of conversations about how "I just don't understand why he's so controlling!" and "When did she become such a gold-digger?" and "He has a horrible temper." and "She's very lazy." when the entire time they were dating, all of these features existed, but were ignored.

Marriage is really hard. It's the hardest thing you'll ever do. It's for life. Period. Blood in, blood out. That kind of seriousness.

Dating has turned into such a ridiculous endeavor. It's entirely feelings based and all sense of logic and analysis has been completely thrown out the window. I can't believe the stupid statements I have heard people say about why they want to marry someone. If it's for loneliness then for the love of humanity, please don't do it. Being married will not make you any less lonely than being single. If it's for boredom trust me, there are a gazillion days of married life where I am bored. Is it to have kids? Well you better be dang ole sure that person you're marrying is going to parent with you or your days will be filled with resentment.

I'm just so sick and tired of it all. Marriage is really freaking serious. It's become such a joke.

So I beg you, pay attention to your partners flaws. And then decide whether or not you can handle them on the days when you can't stand them. Decide if you can handle his controlling personality (for the rest of your life), or her money-grubbing ways, or his temper, or her laziness. If you can't, all the love in the world is going to make any of those things change. If you've decided that you can in fact, handle them, then don't complain about them. You've chosen this scenario for yourself. Stop feeling sorry for yourself as if this was all just some cruel twist of fate.

Chief has some pretty intense flaws. I had red flags (traits I recognized while dating and needed to decide if I could handle them) pre-marriage. I had to sit down and heavily think about whether or not I could handle them. His "flaws" have turned out to be some of my greatest blessings. His flaws have taught me a million beautiful lessons, and I am incredibly grateful for them. They do not breed resentment in me. Instead they've brought compassion, understanding, and support.

So take off the blinders. Dive in to the weaknesses. Analyze the relationship clearly. And for the love of humanity, don't get married if you can't deal with them. Very few people change their greatest flaws. You have to accept what you have today, not what you want them to be tomorrow. Marriage is a choice. And it's your choice. Keep your eyes open, and your brain alive. And please stop complaining to me about it.

Vows

For the record, and in case I lose the data on my iPhone (yes, my vows were on my iPhone...), I thought it best to put what I said to my amazing husband on the day we renewed our vows, and partook of the Sacrament of Marriage. 

"It's been 10 years since you and I began this journey of 'us'. It's been 10 years of incredible agony, an abundance of miracles, intense bouts of laughter, and the greatest love I've ever known. You are my human example of Agape love. You have displayed for my eyes Christ's strength, gentleness, and mercy. You have taught me how to be led, and have been God's tool for an incredible amount of healing to my weary heart.

You quite simply, are amazing; beyond my ability to describe. You are the only person who renders me without words, and without jokes. You give me goosebumps with every touch. You make my heart flutter with every smile. You comfort my spirit just by being near me, and I love you so much.

Thank you for taking on the challenge of this crazy chick and being happy about it. Thank you for thinking I'm the funniest person ever. Thank you for being stronger than I am.

I can't wait to see what will happen as we continue to grow old together. I love you."

And yes, I actually cried at this ceremony. And no, I wasn't trying to figure a way of escape at this one either. And yes, it was everything that I imagined my "wedding" would be. 

In the midst of chaos exploding, children screaming, and what feels like my memories devastating, you grab me and make everything else disappear. Wrapped up in your arms is my comfort zone. Everything dissolves when you're touching me. I find that my brain quiets, and the chaos fades away. And it just becomes about your breath, your heartbeat, your smell, the moment. Your kisses dry my tears. Your comfort heals my heart. With your hand in mine, I'm invincible. With your support, I'm unstoppable. With you here I'm not afraid.

I am lost without you Chief.

darkness

There are certain subjects I don't talk about, on purpose. There are reasons why I speak in ambiguities and don't divulge a plethora of information. Mostly it's self protection. I, like almost everyone else, have demons that haunt me. I have lived some hellish experiences. I have endured some intense horrors. There is only one person in my life who has heard the most discussion about them all.

To talk about them launches me into really dark places in my mind. And it's amazing how discussing even one, in the most intense of abstract ways, has me now two days into this turmoil and inner struggle, to find my laughter again. Reliving the horror. Revisiting the experience. It's crazy how long the mind can remember things that seem so insignificant.

I "grieve" by retreat. I internalize and analyze and lose sleep. While so many understand me to be very open, and vocal, in my heartaches I am guarded beyond measure.

The truth is, I am a pretty screwed up person. I don't think I've ever really known many people who are capable of handling that. People like the jokes. They like the silliness. They like the aspect of me that is strong and supportive and accepting. People like that I tell them when they're being an idiot. People have grown to expect that, to need that, to want that. I have grown to want, need, and expect it as well. It's sort of how I navigate the world. But they don't genuinely take to well to a friend who disappears (for no apparent reason) and seems completely withdrawn and disconnected. Not a criticism of them. I completely understand it in every way.

When the darkness comes, it transcends like an avalanche. Society would probably label it as depression. I think that's a dirty little word that people use to define sadness. To call someone depressed is to completely trivialize an incredible amount of sorrow and pain. I don't call my periods of darkness depression. I acknowledge them for what they are: grief. Grief sucks, but it is just as necessary as laughter. You can't have one without the other. But god forbid anyone should ever find contentment in unhappiness. Society can't tolerate that.

The grief of that experience is still with me. I carry it around, and sometimes it decides it needs to be center stage for a while. I learned a long time ago that I have to dive into grief when it comes. I refuse to suppress it or ignore it. Living in the moment requires me to do that. It requires me to experience everything, good or bad.

It's hard for Chief to be married to me in these times. It's hard to watch the person you love ache in ways you can't fix or understand. Does he navigate these times perfectly? No. Quite honestly he tends to disintegrate somewhat. It's no critique on him. I would struggle too. I genuinely have, when his periods of darkness have descended on him.

The greatest lesson I have learned from these periods is that there is still joy in darkness. There is still peace in grief. My God doesn't stop being my God because my heart hurts. He sees all and knows all, and a day will come when there will be no more tears and no more mourning and no more darkness.

Empty

There are graves that live in the dark places of my mind. Every once in a while the ghosts they shelter rise up to haunt me.

You sprang up in the most random of conversations. And now, nearly fifteen years later, you have me curled up and crying in the shower.

Why is it that after so many days and so many showers, I still can't wash the memory of your presence out of me?

You and I are probably two of the unlikeliest of friends. You and I don't really make sense in any sort of human capacity. We piss each other off occasionally, pour salt in wounds, and are just generally completely awkward human beings. We both have to be right. We're both smart (each of us having our particular fields of intensity), capable of arguing to the death on almost all subjects. We're both intuitive, and incredibly perceptive, sappy and insecure. We're secretive, but self preservingly "open" to the world (though you are much less secretive than I).

You didn't save my life. You didn't come in and carpe diem my chaotic universe and make everything better. You aren't my hero, or my partner in crime, or my anyone savior-ish. But yet, you are as familiar to me in some ways, as my very self. And I love you as such.

I have met a lot of people, but I've never met anyone like you. I remember when I so brazenly said that very statement to you about myself. I remember your reaction was very much as if to say "Yeah, right."

I don't really know how to write about you. It's hard because I want to, but I struggle. I feel like I have so many things I need to make clear, but I don't know how. So I speak in ambiguities, and I choose to believe in my heart that the message is clear. We do, afterall, mostly speak the same language.

You are very special to me. Your life matters to me. Your happiness and your peace, and whether or not you laugh, matters to me. If someone hurts you, that matters to me.

I believe in great loves. I met mine ten years ago. He came and took my breath away in that once-in-a-lifetime way and changed me forever by his existence. In a similar way, I believe in great friends. The once-in-a-lifetime friends that come and change you forever. The kind that even if 20 years go by and you never speak again, you always think of them with love and affection, and hope that they're doing well and happy. The kind that you will always love, in some capacity, because the stars aligned so perfectly and it was one heck of a time.

You are one of those great friends in my life. You came and you rocked my life in the coolest way ever. We've had more laughs than I can count, more fights than I've had with any friends ever, more arguments (which I think we actually enjoy, but other people get so sensitive about), more rants, more rabbit trails (and tangents too), and more good advice moments than I've had with any other friend.

I am thankful for you. I'm grateful for being a part of your story. I'm thankful for you being a part of mine. I hope you always know that.

Marriage Monday

Mondays often end up feeling like gloomy depressing days. I don't really know why that is, but it  tends to happen. The weekends feel like freedom (when that's not really the case) and Mondays feel like prison.


In an effort to attempt to spice up this Monday, I thought a little tip about marriage that has really worked for me:


Make out. Do it all the time. Do it every single day. Do it in stolen moments when the kids are distracted. Do it every time one leaves for the day and comes back. Do it before you go to sleep. Do it for no reason at all, just do it.


Chief is a hardcore make-out-er person. He loves it. I, on the other hand, am not so fond of it. It's messy, emotionally intense, and sometimes his face is really scratchy and it hurts. However, every time we spend a few minutes kissing (or macking down, which is a more funny way to say "kissing" lol), it reminds me of how much he loves me.


So when you get home today (or when you reunite with your spouse today) have a make out session! It'll make Mondays feel a whole lot more awesome. :)

The greatest day of my life.

I have just come home from what I can honestly call the greatest day of my life. I'm sitting here in my living room, a bundle of tears and emotions. This day was the most perfect day of my life.

This morning, Chief and I renewed our wedding vows through participating in the Sacrament of Marriage. The ceremony was everything I wanted our original wedding to be: silly, beautiful, filled with love, personal, peaceful. It was the most perfect display of all that Chief and I truly are. One of my favorite lines, that our priest said, was "You two are so perfect for each other even your initials are the same!" I also loved when he said "The love you both have for each other is only from God, because it so perfectly displays God's own love. Your love for each other is God Himself."

Our photographer was seriously amazing. I am literally dying with anticipation to see the pictures!

Then tonight... Tonight Chief and I shared in the Eucharist for the first time. Even as I write this tears are filling up in my eyes. Our journey to Catholicism has been incredibly long, immensely painful, and filled with eager anticipation. Quite honestly, I have ached for my Beloved. I have ached so intensely for the very moment which came tonight, when His flesh and blood would be joined in my body. It was amazingly beautiful to see Chief anointed with oil, as we both were received into the Church. I can't even begin to explain the emotions flowing out of me. Chief said that after I received the Eucharist, I was smiling ear to ear, and completely elated. My Beloved is here. He's here in such a way that can never be denied. He is here in the way that I spent 29 years aching and searching for. He is here moving mountains, breaking barriers, and finally making sense. He is here where action and love and thought and deed all connect and the result is something so absolutely astronomical that I have only tears, and no words.

Today was a day filled with celebrating the two most important beings in my life. My two Beloved's: my Father in heaven, and my husband on earth. This day would have been immaculate celebrating either of those beautiful experiences, but on this day, on this amazing most awesome day, I celebrated them both.

I am the luckiest woman in the world.

Rainbow foods and kiddos.

I have kids that love fruits and vegetables. They love them so much that they actually beg for them over things like donuts and treats quite frequently. If you ask them what they want for dessert, they're equally as likely to say "STRAWBERRIES!" as they are to say "ICE CREAM!" When they choose their lunches, they will equally pick bell peppers as they will pick crackers. Actually, they pick bell peppers more often than crackers.

In our home, we make a sincere attempt to daily eat at least one rainbow meal. A rainbow meal is a meal that incorporates every color of the rainbow (red, orange, yellow, green, blue/purple) on the plate.

I have had several people ask me how I get my children to eat healthy foods with such ease. I've had so many ask that I thought I'd write this little entry about what we do specifically. So here goes!

1. My children help me grocery shop. They come with me in the produce aisle of the store and they get to help pick out foods. Not just foods I've pre selected. They actually get to choose their own fruits and vegetables. I pay close attention to this and I try to incorporate those tastes which they naturally are drawn to (savory vs sweet) into their diets. 
2. I only make one meal and they all have to eat it. However, I try to use sensitivity to personal tastes. For example, I put sugar snap peas in the kids' lunch today. Lolli (my oldest) doesn't like them, but she loves bell peppers. So I bumped up her bell peppers, and gave her a little less sugar snap peas. Then she doesn't feel forced to eat an incredible amount of food she doesn't enjoy, but she's still exposed to the different taste. 
3. They participate in the making of lunch. For lunch, I'll say "What should we eat that's red?" Then they'll all chime in with their ideas: "Tomatoes! Strawberries! Radishes! Apples!" I usually go with whichever item more of them suggest, but sometimes it's just whatever I have most of as well. Then I'll ask about orange, and yellow and so on so forth, until all of the colors are represented. I have found that them having this say in what goes on their plates makes them so much more excited about eating them. They all eat the fruits and veggies that they don't even like that much, just because they had a say.
4. We talk A LOT about colors. Why do we want something green? What's in Spinach? Why do we want to try to eat spinach? Why is our entire plate almost all bright colors, and there's only a very small amount of brown (pretzels, crackers, etc)? You could make a plate of white bread and saltines and place it next to a rainbow plate of food and talk about which one looks more pretty. Which one is more appealing? 
5. I make a conscious effort to try foods I have never tried before. That means when one of my children pick out some vegetable that I've never heard of, and I can't really figure out exactly what it is, we all taste it and try it and enjoy it. So much of eating is the excitement of trying new things. How can I tell them they have to try something new if I'm unwilling to do so?
6. Make it a positive experience. If one of my kids wants celery and everyone else really doesn't want celery, try to talk about it in a positive way. Sometimes that translates to: "Guys. Charchee really wants celery today, so do you think we could eat celery instead of spinach just for today? We can have spinach tomorrow!" and sometimes that translates to: "Charchee. I only have one stalk of celery. How about we chop it up so everyone can have a little bit and put it with our spinach?"

So that's about it. I have found that when the kids don't have rainbow foods, it changes their behavior. They are grumpy and cry a lot. The healthier their diets, the healthier their brains, and the healthier my sanity is. :)

Hope some of these tips help you. Do you have any tips you'd like to share?

The death-of-me dollhouse

A little over a year ago, I got into my head that my daughter should be gifted a lavish dollhouse. You know, the kind you always dreamed about as a little girl, but never got. She was given a dollhouse that had to be assembled, and she was incredibly excited about it.

Well, let me just tell you, putting together a dollhouse is a giant pain in the neck. I kid you not. It takes an incredible amount of time. I have spent a gazillion hours gluing tiny little pieces, and then being stuck for 48 hours until the glue completely sets, to continue on. Well, 48 hours later, one does not necessarily want to work on the dollhouse anymore, which makes motivation incredibly difficult to keep around.

We are finally nearing the end. I think. The trims are on (with the exception of the balcony trim, and that's because the less I have to cover and tape before painting the better), the stairs are in and the railings, the baseboards are in My next step is painting, which I will try to motivate myself to work on today. Then when the paint dries, we move on to adding the final trim, gluing in the windows, dying the roof tiles, and then installing them, and then this thing is complete.

I have had several people ask me if I'd make one for their kid, and the answer is no. I've had several people ask me if I'll make one for each of my daughters, and I'm fairly certain the answer is no. I've had several people ask me if I've enjoyed doing this and the answer is a loud and clear no. However, I'm fairly certain the excitement on Lolli's face when it's finally done and she can play with it, will turn all my irritations about doing it in to complete excitement.

When it's done, I'll post pictures of the journey and the finished product. :)

Mr Jones.

I'm supposed to write a little ditty about Chief for our vows renewal that is coming up. Yes, I am started to get pretty darn close to the deadline, but to be completely honest, how do I write enough tiny little words to fill up a 3X5 card about a person who can't be defined? How do I pick a few words to say a lifetime's worth of gratitude? What can I say that will stick with the dude who remember's dates like no other, and can seem to quote things I've said with no trouble at all?

You saved my life. I mean really. I was completely broken. I was curled up on my kitchen floor, seriously considering ending my life, because the honest fact is that no one ever really cared about me. I was on the phone with you and bawling my eyes out about how I must surely be unlovable because no one ever could, would, or did. I think it was the only moment in all my years knowing you where your entire soul was screaming at me, and the ache and desperation in your voice were seeping out. You shouted How could you EVER say that!? I would give ANYTHING to love you if you'd just let me! LET ME LOVE YOU! I would give anything to love you! It was the most impassioned plea. It was filled with desperation, agony, and complete heartache. And it was the first time in my life that I had ever truly, truly known that someone loved me.

You have always known the ugliest sides of me. You have been the object of my deepest agony, my longest darkness, my heaviest burdens. You've been the brunt of my anger, the object of my rejection, the denial of my need. You have felt all of the horribleness I am capable of dishing out. You have never once made me feel like a burden. You have never once made me feel crazy, or insane, or ridiculous. You have never once mocked my immature behavior. You always have placed me above all others, even when I was not your girlfriend.

You have always chosen to see the best in me. You have always chosen to accept my damages. You have laughed at my jokes, handed me tissues when I'm crying, and given me things I never imagined ever having or wanting. You have literally saved my life. You have given me the freedom to fight my demons, the comfort to move past the constant rejections, and the love that my spirit has ached for. You are the only person who knows me. You are the only person that gets me. You are my human version of Agape. You are my mate, my heart, my love.

Thank you for having the balls to dive into my darkness and pull me out of it. Thank you for sharing my life journey with me. Thank you for laughing along this road of ridiculousness with me. Thank you for having four beautiful children with me. Thank you for not jumping ship when it's been tough. Thank you for forgiving my many flaws, and embracing my good traits. Thank you for allowing me to acknowledge my stupidities without shoving them in my face. Thank you for the butt dance, putting up with pillowgate, and my heart's love for a four legged dog who costs us loads of money. Thank you for being strong enough to not only be my man, but to also be my protector, my children's father, my friend.

You and I have always been underestimated and under appreciated by those in our lives. It's pretty freaking neat that together we've been conquering odds and shattering statistics and having one heck of a time doing it. I can't wait to spend a jillion more years being silly with you.