I still remember the way that the light fell on you when you were about two weeks old. You were sleeping and I had peaked in the room to see if you were okay. The afternoon sunlight was beaming through the window on your hair. You looked like you were glowing. I remember thinking that I would die for you. I would kill any selfish desire I had for myself and I would throw all of every single element of me into being your mom. I remember it being so powerful that I quickly grabbed my camera and took a picture. I wanted to remember you, in that moment, for the rest of my life. Funny how my brain remembers it so perfectly that the actual photo is unnecessary.
College is beckoning you and all I keep recalling is every moment where my heart chose you over and over again. Sitting up in the middle of the night for the two am feedings, rocking you while you slept on my chest. I was exhausted beyond what I could have imagined at the time (let's be real... the triplets made that period seem restful. HA!). I sat there in the dark saying enjoy this. It won't last long. Treasure every second that you can keep her safe, close to your chest.
The idea of you not being in your room anymore is very emotional. The idea of driving you to a state far away, and somehow willing my body to walk away and leave feels crippling. What if my legs stop working? What if my heart leaps out of my chest? What if I can't do it? All of these are silly questions because I know that the strength of motherhood will carry me through. Love is so astoundingly powerful that it will help me to do everything that you need me to do. It will help me to give you the tightest hug, and write you a thousand letters, fill packages and send them, and find a way to find joy in the transformation of our relationship. Change is good, but it's also hard.
I will always be your Mommy. I will always want to run to protect you. I will always be willing to kill whatever selfish desire lives in me, in order to more fully show you the Love of God. I will always work against my own insecurities, faults, failures, and weaknesses to be a better example for you. I will always try my best to be humble, to apologize when necessary, and to be your support with grace. You will never have to fear about a place to land if you should fall. Come what may. I love you nugget. More than those small words could ever possibly hope to explain.
