Sticks and Stones

Nuggets, times are going to come in your lives where you feel really sad, and there's not necessarily a pin-point-able reason for it. There are periods of life where things are just sad. It might be sadness directly related to your life journey. Maybe you will be struggling with your spouse, children, finances, education, career. Maybe a friend will betray you or hurt you. Maybe you will be grieving the loss of someone who mattered to you.

There might come across your radar times where nothing in your personal journey is hard, but those you love are walking some horrific journeys themselves and you can't fix it. You will be helpless to their pain and that hurts. Especially if they are journeys that you relate to oh so specifically. If they are hurts that you've healed from and you remember, you empathize with, the path that they are being forced to walk down.

One of the big life lessons that I hope I can impart to you, my Nuggets, is this: sadness isn't something to fear. It isn't necessarily something to medicate, even though society will most likely tell you otherwise. Sadness should be embraced. We should give ourselves permission to grieve. We reject it all too often here in America, especially in the Christian realm. We have convinced ourselves that life should be happy, candy, la la la lovely all. the. time. This is ludicrous. Unrealistic. Impossible to attain. And then we beat ourselves up all the more for failing to force ourselves to be what someone else has decided we should be.

Grief has a very appropriate place in our realm. Grief can be horrific, but it can also be beautiful. Don't be afraid of it. Don't be afraid to mourn. Loving people means that you will experience these periods of hurt. You have to be brave enough, and strong enough, to recognize that loved ones are worth your sadness. And recognize in advance that when you open your self up to love others, their grief will become your grief. Their loneliness, will become yours. It has to. Otherwise you don't love them.

I hope you understand that when you experience your own personal journeys of strife, my soul will be grieving with you. You will never be alone in your sorrow. It's part of my Mommy super powers. I will sit in the pit with you, soak up the mud, and wait with you until you are ready to walk out on your own. I will always be your advocate. Even if that looks like me sitting there silent with you, while you scream and shout and cry. Even if that forces me into a helpless stance while I watch you embark on a journey that I oh so sympathize with.

Always understand this, about me, my Nuggets: I am not afraid of your grief. I am strong enough to hold it. You will always be worth my sadness. You will always have my platform of love to jump off of. Always.

Safety

You were afraid and you started to cry. I know it's not true, but I feel like there are eyes watching me and I'm scared. Cue warrior Mommy. "I will fight off every monster. I will defend you with my life. There is nothing that will prevent me from rushing to your aid. Me and Daddy will give our lives for you four. Without a thought. And Gus and Foofie would too." I know. But I'm just scared.

The four of you decided to huddle down together. You said there was safety in numbers and bad guys can't see how small we are if we're together. I was struck by the sheer genius-ness of that thought process. One of you had a problem, and the four of you banded together and solved it. This is what Mommy's dream about. Safety in numbers...

It raises up in me the need to be your supernatural ninja. I too, had horrible night-time hauntings. The images were so vivid, so powerful, that I can still recall them as if it were yesterday. I remember feeling so weak and powerless against the spiritual realm seeking to destroy me. I often found safety in the presence of another person there. It wasn't that they fought off my demons, or that they would be easier prey... It was the peace and comfort of knowing I was safer in numbers. I was bigger, more menacing, more difficult to take down.

This is still true today, but in different ways. As a Mommy, Army Wife, Christian... there is safety in numbers. When Chief and I band together to raise our children, we are stronger. When I am sitting in my van with my Army spouses, after we've closed down Starbucks, laughing, and sharing silly stories, we are less easily defeated by the hardships of our lifestyle. We are revived, renewed, sent home stronger and more resilient. When I am learning, studying, challenging with my fellow Catholics, then I am more able to live out loud, all that Christ has called me to.

Safety in numbers..

I hope that the four of you never lose sight of this truth. I hope you always know you can rely on each other. One day Daddy and I will fade away. Maybe it will be faded minds/memories, or maybe it will be our bodies transforming into the infinite realm, but you four will always be. There will never be a replacement, or any one else who will quite understand what it was to grow up in our family. There will never be someone who can understand things like your siblings. You all will be able to encourage each other, protect each other, defend each other like no one else. I hope you will always use this unique understanding to better push each other to better places. I hope you will always be each others superheroes. I pray that you will always wrap around the fragile, broken one, hurting one and stand together so that "bad guys can't see how small you are if you're together".

I hope you never lose sight of this moment where the four of you banded together to create safety in numbers.

Veteran's Day

It had been a really long day. We were up early, and it was go-go-go, as weddings usually are. It was a beautiful experience, watching the last of my sisters get married. Despite all of their weaknesses and flaws, my parents had successfully completed their "task". We were all married, connected, moving forward...

I was plumped down on the couch in the "quiet room" at the reception hall. My feet were killing me from those bridesmaid torture devices they call shoes. I heard a couple of people saying oh you've got to get over here and see this. I didn't think much of it, truthfully. There's a lot of that sort of thing going on at weddings. But, because it was my sister's wedding, after all, I got up to see.

He was dressed in his military uniform. He didn't actually want to wear it. To him, it was signing himself up for attention, something that he abhors, especially in this capacity. He doesn't do it for glory. He doesn't do it for accolades. He does it for honor, duty, faithfulness. He does it in defense of this beautiful nation. He didn't want to wear this most handsome of uniforms, but he did, because my little sister wanted him to. And as much as they've disagreed, fought, and battled each other, he loves her. And she's proud of him.

As I got up to look at what these women were talking about, I saw my husband, my soldier, surrounded by children. They were swarming him. Questioning him, barking orders. "Drop and give me twenty!" And he was faithful to the call. He dropped and pushed them out One! Two! Three...! "Now give me fifteen more!!!" He answered their questions as best as he could. "What do you do?" I'm a tanker. "Have you used a gun?" Yes. "What happens if you die?" Someone else stands up to take my place. "Yes, but what happens if you die?" Then my family feels very, very sad.

It was really beautiful to see the tiny glimpse that I saw. I didn't want to interrupt him, or throw off his moment, so I walked away. He told me later that he felt like these kids were so desperate to know, so he didn't want to let them down. He wanted to give them the best experience he could ever give, about soldiers. So he let them smoke him, hound him, boss him...

My heart swells with immense gratitude and joy because of these heroes. The real-life superstars. Thank you to all of our Veterans: the current fighters, defending our nation, and all of the ones who have gone before. I appreciate you with all that I am.