Squared

 You describe it all in detail, and I have so many feelings I don't know where to begin. I vacillate between wanting to run, die, and scream. I sit silent because what on earth could I possibly say? What words could ever be said to fix this shit show that you have forced me into? 

It's unfair and dishonest to say that I don't know you. I want to hurt you the way that you have hurt me, knowing full well that isn't possible and that breaking someone else does not un-break me. What the hell were you thinking? What were you wanting? What the hell was going on that you chose this? 

I have walked through a million nights of hell to be with you. I have fought all of your demons, been the punching bag to your rage, and kept you safe while you slept. I gave you every single ounce of all that I am, and this? This is what you choose?

I'm exhausted from discussing all of the details. I am exhausted from hearing it all. I am exhausted from feeling all of the ramifications of the punches and the blows. I don't think I'm strong enough to navigate this. But somehow, I'm still here. 

Loving you has been the greatest joy of my life. Being with you has been devastating. Isn't it strange that is how it works with us? I love, you destroy. I build, you break. You win, I lose. 

Where the hell am I in this? I have no idea. I feel like you put me in a canoe, pushed me away from the shore, and set the whole world on fire. I'm sitting there, feeling the heat of it all, helpless to stop it, and shattering into a thousand pieces with every blast of flame, every spark that flies into the sky, every building crumbling down. Why do you have the power to be so destructive to me? Why are you able to break me? Because I.love.you. Only you. Always you. I love the way you look in the morning. I love the way you get frustrated about stupid things. I love the way you can't handle things, but you try anyway. I love the way that you make me laugh like no one else on the planet. I love the feel of my head on your chest and the sound of your heart beating. I love that you tuck the blankets around me when I fall asleep. I love making you smile, or driving you crazy with all of my words and my thoughts and my ideas. I love thinking about you all day long. I love being next to you at night. I love that my heart skips a bit any and every single time you are near me. I love that as big and as hard as I love people, no one on this planet has ever held a candle to how much I fucking love you. I also hate it. I hate it so much because I am not safe with you. My heart has never been something that you have kept secure. You beat it over and over again, and I don't know if this destruction is something I can get past. I want to. I want to be able to say that you can't destroy my ability to love you. But I don't know... Maybe this is it. Maybe this choice was the final straw... 

I'm still here. Silent. Waiting until I know.