America,
He went to rush out of the minivan. I had driven home with Christmas music blaring in an attempt to feel joy but all I felt was numb to pretty much everything. His leg got caught in the door of the van and he started screaming. I started screaming too as I tried to force the door to move so I could unstick his leg. I screamed as I tried to get him free when the door would not move. I screamed as I picked up his hundred pound body to move it so that he could pull his paw out. That was the trick that worked, and he pulled his leg free. A thorough investigation of his paw (he's fine) had me on the garage floor sobbing. I couldn't stop.
I am tired, America. Tired in a way where you are numb because you just.can't.sleep. Tired like you don't want to talk because it's all so exhausting. Tired, but you have to keep moving forward, handling everything that needs handling, and getting by. Tired when he gets too quiet and you don't know what his brain is doing. Tired when you see him run into something because he sees less and less. Tired when her legs are swollen to twice their size because of a virus. Tired when one more person suggests snake oil treatments, or that the vaccine did this (it didn't) or that we're somehow delusional about what Covid has done. As if we haven't been living it every single day for almost ten months... Tired with every single test my husband is going through, because he just.can't.breathe whether awake or still or moving or anything. Tired, because Covid did this stupid shit to him and I'm over it. Tired, because I don't want to think about organic items, organic menus, broken hearts, broken lungs, broken eyes, broken brains, broken flesh, broken dogs... Tired because my piece of shit sperm donor died and I get to sit in the flesh of his torture, his evil choices, the image of his face that pops in to my head every time I think of the word loser. Tired that when things get hard, people jump ship, or they get quiet. Tired of having to fill some role of strength that I just don't feel.
Today I sat on my couch almost this entire day. I didn't do any errands, any chores, anything productive. I sat still and I allowed myself the space to feel like shit, because some times that's just what one needs to do.
