What assurance is there of salvation? I mean, when you actually sit down and think about it, do you really know where you will spend eternity? Or is it just a plethora of I hopes and I thinks? I don't like the idea of spending my days under a guise of maybes or maybe nots. I just don't think that's good enough.
When it comes to the notion of eternity, for most of us, it's something that we'd rather not think too much about. I think that most people are actually afraid of dying. It's too difficult to see beyond the idea of death to what might come after.
Speaking as someone who has been near death (and then prevented from it because of medical intervention) on multiple occasions (it's a long story...I might tell you about them some time...if you ask), death doesn't hurt. Really. I have lived so many moments in fear of dying. I can honestly tell you that your body goes into this euphoric state that is indescribable. You feel no pain, you feel no pleasure. It's almost like everything going on around you moves in slow motion. Your senses are heightened. Not the sense of pain, but rather your awareness. Your mind is sharp. Your ears plug into sounds that are far away that you might not have otherwise heard. You remember.
For me, the notion of dying in itself, is not so frightening. The more uncomfortable of ideas is where will I spend eternity? I find the notion of saying "I WILL be in heaven forever" to be cocky and ridiculous. I think it signifies a level of spiritual immaturity. When you actually see yourself, I mean, in your genuine and utter human-ness, then how can you ever genuinely believe you have obtained salvation? Faith is an abstract idea. Especially for Americans. We are not put in positions where our faith is tested to be genuine or false. We are not in positions where someone is torturing us, or taking from us, or challenging us, to separate genuine faith from comfortable "faith."
Paul said that he didn't consider salvation as something that he had already obtained, but rather that he was running the race so as to win the prize. Not that salvation is something we "earn" but rather that the idea of saying, "Okay...I've done enough. I 'believe' enough. I 'love' Him enough. I've purchased the ticket." is not something that we should have.
Our faith, in America, is tested in such sneaky ways. It is tested in our things, our time, our resources. It is tested in our love of those who are difficult to love. It is tested in our hands. I hear people say all the time "we are the hands and feet of Jesus", yet the people they are constantly "helping" are other Christians. How is that being the "hands and feet"? Were we sent here to serve each other, or to serve the lost? If the only people you surround yourself with are people who profess to love Jesus, then who are you really serving? What purpose do you really have? Aren't we put here to reach the lost? To love the unlovable? To penetrate the darkness? To bring Peace to the chaotic?
I don't think that bringing a meal to a sick Christian equates doing "God's work". I just don't. I think that's helping your family, which is the standard of what we should ALWAYS be doing. I think the idea that I am a good Christian because I bring food to people who've had babies or are sick that go to my church is ridiculous and shameful. Would you not feed your sister or brother or parents if they were hungry!? Of course you would. The real test is when you give of yourself to help someone who has no help, someone who has no advocate, someone who is genuinely alone.
How often do we drive by the homeless people on the street and think to ourselves I gave him a candy bar, I did my part. Aren't I so good Jesus? We are always afraid to go beyond our comfort, to leave our idea of safety. We don't genuinely have the faith that God will take care of us. We are hypocrites. Of this I am the greatest offender.
So when people ask me if I believe I am going to heaven...my answer is not that easy to say. I am a horrible example of Christ's love. I am a terrible giver of His grace and mercy. I do not have enough faith to expend, to exhaust, to display that which is beyond myself. I do not have the faith to give beyond my means, to adore those who are "unlovable", to put myself at risk. I am the worst of Christ-like individuals. My passion is not nearly equal to that which I want it to be. I don't love enough. I don't give enough. I don't serve enough. Not to earn any sort of level of His grace, but rather to show the world that His grace has so developed and completed me. I am not complete in Him. I want to be. Oh how I want to be.
May I never make light of Christ's name. May I never defame or dishonor Him. May I never pretend to be that which I am not. May I never attempt to give myself esteem or value based on obedience. May my life be better than this.
Monday, May 30, 2011
Sunday, May 29, 2011
"We" turn 7 today! :)
Seven years ago was a terrible day. Really. It was. I wasn't allowed to get ready in my own bathroom. I was cussed out by my sister. I was uncomfortable, awkward, and agitated. Our "day" was nothing like I had envisioned. It was not what I wanted.
To explain, everyone who knows me knows how extremely difficult it is for me to show my vulnerability of love for my husband, in front of people. I did not want a big wedding. To be honest, I wanted to marry him alone. I wanted no one there. I wanted to marry him privately, without fuss, without the expense of a zillion dollars.
I have always had a difficult time being vulnerable around people. I think it has gotten better over the years, but back then it was at its peak. I was also terrified to actually stand there and promise my self, my life, my body to one person for forever. To do that with a bunch of people looking on made me extremely uncomfortable. To then add to that the additional frustrations of a last minute wedding (due to deployment) was even more intense. Getting married was very hard for me to do. It wasn't that I didn't want to marry him. I desperately did. It was just the action of it. It was all so phony, so unreal, so false. A wedding was like a giant parade of look at us! We love each other! Let's make a bunch of promises while all these people watch! Let me just add, I am not anti weddings. It's just that ours was nothing like what we wanted. But we didn't want to let our families down, so we did what we thought they wanted us to do, rather than what we wanted to do.
Needless to say, the day was awful. We didn't have a real cake, I hated my dress, we didn't have a photographer, no first dance, didn't know our officiant (our chaplain got sent off three days before our wedding so we were married by a good 'ole phone book pastor who was kind enough to marry us last minute), sisters weren't exactly nice to me, parents didn't even know the lobster, completely rushed, tornado blew through town, just overall awful. To be fair, D tried her utmost hardest to make it a wonderful day for us. For that I will always be grateful. But it was nothing that the lobster or I wanted.
I suppose it's strange that our actual wedding day was so awful. The relationship has been the most amazing of my life. Everyone says the day doesn't matter, it's the relationship that does. I have to be honest, I completely agree. Our relationship is the most beautiful of all. Maybe that's because the day itself sucked horribly. Maybe having an awful wedding means you get to have an amazing marriage. Or maybe I just need to tell myself that so I can feel better. :)
My husband is the greatest of men. I am so thankful that our son has him as a role model. I am so grateful that every day I get to stand beside him as his partner. I am so happy that he is my best friend. I honestly couldn't have asked for a better husband. He is the epitome of all a Godly man and husband should be. I truly look up to him. I deeply respect him. He still gives me goose bumps every time he touches me. He still makes me giggle like a school girl when he's around. I still feel nervous and anxious those first few seconds when he walks into a room. I know that we're still kids in the marriage realm. I hope that when we're 18, that we will still feel like a couple of teenagers, madly in love, crazy about each other, giggly and goofy.
I love growing up with him. It is such a blast! :)
PS. We continue to say that one of these days we will "redo" our awful wedding day and have it be how WE want it to be. Perhaps one day we will... :)
To explain, everyone who knows me knows how extremely difficult it is for me to show my vulnerability of love for my husband, in front of people. I did not want a big wedding. To be honest, I wanted to marry him alone. I wanted no one there. I wanted to marry him privately, without fuss, without the expense of a zillion dollars.
I have always had a difficult time being vulnerable around people. I think it has gotten better over the years, but back then it was at its peak. I was also terrified to actually stand there and promise my self, my life, my body to one person for forever. To do that with a bunch of people looking on made me extremely uncomfortable. To then add to that the additional frustrations of a last minute wedding (due to deployment) was even more intense. Getting married was very hard for me to do. It wasn't that I didn't want to marry him. I desperately did. It was just the action of it. It was all so phony, so unreal, so false. A wedding was like a giant parade of look at us! We love each other! Let's make a bunch of promises while all these people watch! Let me just add, I am not anti weddings. It's just that ours was nothing like what we wanted. But we didn't want to let our families down, so we did what we thought they wanted us to do, rather than what we wanted to do.
Needless to say, the day was awful. We didn't have a real cake, I hated my dress, we didn't have a photographer, no first dance, didn't know our officiant (our chaplain got sent off three days before our wedding so we were married by a good 'ole phone book pastor who was kind enough to marry us last minute), sisters weren't exactly nice to me, parents didn't even know the lobster, completely rushed, tornado blew through town, just overall awful. To be fair, D tried her utmost hardest to make it a wonderful day for us. For that I will always be grateful. But it was nothing that the lobster or I wanted.
I suppose it's strange that our actual wedding day was so awful. The relationship has been the most amazing of my life. Everyone says the day doesn't matter, it's the relationship that does. I have to be honest, I completely agree. Our relationship is the most beautiful of all. Maybe that's because the day itself sucked horribly. Maybe having an awful wedding means you get to have an amazing marriage. Or maybe I just need to tell myself that so I can feel better. :)
My husband is the greatest of men. I am so thankful that our son has him as a role model. I am so grateful that every day I get to stand beside him as his partner. I am so happy that he is my best friend. I honestly couldn't have asked for a better husband. He is the epitome of all a Godly man and husband should be. I truly look up to him. I deeply respect him. He still gives me goose bumps every time he touches me. He still makes me giggle like a school girl when he's around. I still feel nervous and anxious those first few seconds when he walks into a room. I know that we're still kids in the marriage realm. I hope that when we're 18, that we will still feel like a couple of teenagers, madly in love, crazy about each other, giggly and goofy.
I love growing up with him. It is such a blast! :)
PS. We continue to say that one of these days we will "redo" our awful wedding day and have it be how WE want it to be. Perhaps one day we will... :)
Saturday, May 28, 2011
fruit...do you have it?
The fruit of the Spirit is one of those topics of conversation that the majority of Christians either ignore, or avoid. I think it stems from a very awkward and uncomfortable viewpoint. When discussing the fruit of the Spirit, we are always left with one lingering question... Do I have it? If the answer is "no", then the notion is terrifying and uncomfortable and requires a reaction. The fruit of the Spirit requires us to examine ourselves, and most often in ways that we don't want to.
I have noticed that when choosing people for leadership positions in churches, the fruit of the Spirit is largely ignored. People tend to make leadership decisions on many other factors: I prayed about you and felt lead to you. You kept popping up into my head. You are always doing work for God at our church. You are so nice and you say the right things, most of the time. You are "growing" as a "Christian" so we want to get you in leadership to keep that going... and on and on and on. In all my years of leading, teaching, being taught, being led, etc, I have never heard someone say, "You exhibit the fruit of the Spirit so well that we can see God's work in you and want you to spearhead A, B or C." People select leaders based on feelings, and that, my friends, is unbiblical.
The fruit of the Spirit is something impossible to fake long term. I think that's why Christ says that we will know His people by their fruit (Matthew 7.20). Seriously, think about it. "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law." (Galations 5.22-23)
Lets just break these down one by one...love. It's sort of an easy one. Most people can say that "Christians" are loving. I think that's sort of the obvious, fake the funk (if you genuinely don't have the Holy Spirit), act nice around people so they think we're loving kind of thing. Joy, on the other hand, is virtually impossible to fake. It is not the same as happiness. I think a lot of people have that confused. Joy is a sort of gut filling, body encompassing, obvious to anyone with any sort of intuition kind of fruit. To be perfectly honest, I have only met one person in my entire life of following Christ and meeting people, who was filled with joy. Peace...do you really have peace? I mean, when the tornadoes are coming, the job is ending, the children are sick, your body is falling apart, do you really have peace? Patience. Ahem...how patient are you? Are you patient when your family member isn't doing what you want? Are you patient when waiting for that new job opportunity to come through? Are you patient waiting for that special guy or gal to come into your life? Are you patient while waiting for your soldier to return home from deployment? Kindness, how kind are you really? And are you kind to people who are kind to you, or are you kind to everyone? Goodness. What does this even mean!? I mean, seriously, what does it mean to show goodness? Faithfulness, are you faithful when no one around you is? Are you faithful in your heart, when that attractive person walks by, or does your mind take you to someplace a little less faithful? Gentleness. Are you gentle when your spouse does something that angers you? Are you gentle when your children are not making the choices you want them to? Are you gentle when people around you are upsetting you? Self control. How controlled are you really?
After examining all of these things, I don't know about you, but I know in myself, I fail at almost all of them. Which then begs the question, "Do I have the Holy Spirit in me?" Is it possible to have the Holy Spirit for a time and then for Him to leave because of our own sinfulness? Should anyone be in a leadership position in church (deacon/elder, teacher, etc etc) while they are not exhibiting the fruit of the Spirit?
I don't believe that lack of fruit of the Spirit at any given time causes one to lose salvation. Peter denied Christ three times (he obviously didn't have peace, or faithfulness), but yet I don't believe he lost his salvation in those moments. I do, however, believe that if we do not actively see the fruit of the Spirit in a person's life, then they have no business being in a leadership position.
We are so quick to assume that someone has Christ in their hearts simply because they say they do. Really!? Is that genuinely common sense? If I go to England and say I am the Queen's niece does that make it true just because I say it is?
Just because you might see character growth in an individual, it does not mean that God is working in them or through them. Do you really believe so naively, that the devil does not actively put people into our churches, our lives, our congregations, our bible studies, who do not follow God and are there only to cause destruction and dismay? Why are we so quick to ignore that this spiritual battle, the devil is a liar, cunning, sneaky, and very adept at "playing the part" so as to cause mass confusion and deception. We need to open our eyes and actively, genuinely, persistently, TEST THE SPIRITS! We choose to wear blinders that allow us to be so actively led astray. We are all like sheep.
My heart is troubled with these thoughts. My heart is troubled because in truth, what does the fruit of the Spirit say about me? Who does God say that I am?
I have noticed that when choosing people for leadership positions in churches, the fruit of the Spirit is largely ignored. People tend to make leadership decisions on many other factors: I prayed about you and felt lead to you. You kept popping up into my head. You are always doing work for God at our church. You are so nice and you say the right things, most of the time. You are "growing" as a "Christian" so we want to get you in leadership to keep that going... and on and on and on. In all my years of leading, teaching, being taught, being led, etc, I have never heard someone say, "You exhibit the fruit of the Spirit so well that we can see God's work in you and want you to spearhead A, B or C." People select leaders based on feelings, and that, my friends, is unbiblical.
The fruit of the Spirit is something impossible to fake long term. I think that's why Christ says that we will know His people by their fruit (Matthew 7.20). Seriously, think about it. "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law." (Galations 5.22-23)
Lets just break these down one by one...love. It's sort of an easy one. Most people can say that "Christians" are loving. I think that's sort of the obvious, fake the funk (if you genuinely don't have the Holy Spirit), act nice around people so they think we're loving kind of thing. Joy, on the other hand, is virtually impossible to fake. It is not the same as happiness. I think a lot of people have that confused. Joy is a sort of gut filling, body encompassing, obvious to anyone with any sort of intuition kind of fruit. To be perfectly honest, I have only met one person in my entire life of following Christ and meeting people, who was filled with joy. Peace...do you really have peace? I mean, when the tornadoes are coming, the job is ending, the children are sick, your body is falling apart, do you really have peace? Patience. Ahem...how patient are you? Are you patient when your family member isn't doing what you want? Are you patient when waiting for that new job opportunity to come through? Are you patient waiting for that special guy or gal to come into your life? Are you patient while waiting for your soldier to return home from deployment? Kindness, how kind are you really? And are you kind to people who are kind to you, or are you kind to everyone? Goodness. What does this even mean!? I mean, seriously, what does it mean to show goodness? Faithfulness, are you faithful when no one around you is? Are you faithful in your heart, when that attractive person walks by, or does your mind take you to someplace a little less faithful? Gentleness. Are you gentle when your spouse does something that angers you? Are you gentle when your children are not making the choices you want them to? Are you gentle when people around you are upsetting you? Self control. How controlled are you really?
After examining all of these things, I don't know about you, but I know in myself, I fail at almost all of them. Which then begs the question, "Do I have the Holy Spirit in me?" Is it possible to have the Holy Spirit for a time and then for Him to leave because of our own sinfulness? Should anyone be in a leadership position in church (deacon/elder, teacher, etc etc) while they are not exhibiting the fruit of the Spirit?
I don't believe that lack of fruit of the Spirit at any given time causes one to lose salvation. Peter denied Christ three times (he obviously didn't have peace, or faithfulness), but yet I don't believe he lost his salvation in those moments. I do, however, believe that if we do not actively see the fruit of the Spirit in a person's life, then they have no business being in a leadership position.
We are so quick to assume that someone has Christ in their hearts simply because they say they do. Really!? Is that genuinely common sense? If I go to England and say I am the Queen's niece does that make it true just because I say it is?
Just because you might see character growth in an individual, it does not mean that God is working in them or through them. Do you really believe so naively, that the devil does not actively put people into our churches, our lives, our congregations, our bible studies, who do not follow God and are there only to cause destruction and dismay? Why are we so quick to ignore that this spiritual battle, the devil is a liar, cunning, sneaky, and very adept at "playing the part" so as to cause mass confusion and deception. We need to open our eyes and actively, genuinely, persistently, TEST THE SPIRITS! We choose to wear blinders that allow us to be so actively led astray. We are all like sheep.
My heart is troubled with these thoughts. My heart is troubled because in truth, what does the fruit of the Spirit say about me? Who does God say that I am?
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
SAA. stuff addicts anonymous
I am filthy, freaking rich. Seriously. Honestly, so much so that it almost disgusts me. The very notion that buying a $3 toothbrush is not even a remote issue for me, means that I am considered rich in the majority of the world. When our lives are filled with boredom, I think we have much to be concerned about. When we need entertainment because we "deserve" a break, I believe there is something wrong with that picture.
In the majority of the world, food, water, shelter, and clothing (what many consider the basics of necessity in human life) are scarce. The idea of going into a clothing store and buying clothes is preposterous. The idea of having a television, a computer, the internet is so bizarre and foreign.
When I turn on my faucet, water comes out. Have you ever fathomed what it would be like to live in a place where you walk for miles to get a jug of dirty water? Have you ever fathomed a place where you can't take a shower whenever you want to? Have you ever fathomed being someplace where the "tap" water will literally kill you if you drink it?
We are so overstuffed with stuff in America. I know I am. When I look at my house filled with stuff...I become so disgusted. What is here that I really need? Anything? Even as I sit here writing these post, I am irritated with my grabby, sticky, self focused hands thinking about how I want more and more and more stuff!
How do we break this addiction? Do we need to surround ourselves with environments where stuff ceases to matter? Do we need to move away from the US and embed ourselves in communities that genuinely know what suffering looks like? Do we have to suffer to grow?
I wonder how many times in the course of my life, I have become angry with my children for breaking some item in my collage of stuff. I wonder how many times I have chosen "stuff" over people or relationships. How many times have I watched a movie or been on the internet or on my cell phone, instead of being with my children, or helping people around me? Do I actively seek opportunities to serve others, or do I seek opportunities to serve my stuff obsessed self? Does my husband work to provide food, shelter, clothing, or does he work to acquire more and more stuff?
We have prostituted ourselves out. We have sold ourselves in jobs, in time, in emotion, in vast dedication to items. To inanimate objects with little to no meaning. We are so focused on stuff that burns up in fires, blows away in tornadoes, crushes in earthquakes, taken away by thieves, destroyed by time...
We buy food we don't eat, stuff we don't use, clothes we don't wear.
I want to be better than this. I want to do more than this. I want the items in my house to have no hold on me. I want to be completely content with whether or not they fade away in an instant. I want to go back to where I was so many years ago, watching my house burn. I want to hold on to the beautiful lesson I learned from that..."stuff" ALWAYS goes away. I want to do better than what I am currently doing.
Monday, May 23, 2011
sugary sweet
I have the world's greatest husband. Seriously. I don't just mean that figuratively or ridiculously. I am married to someone who knows how to be a man.
My husband has never once, made me feel worthless. He doesn't take me for granted. He helps me. All the time. I think he helps me more than I help him sometimes. He supports me, encourages me, cherishes me. He makes me feel like a million bucks.
He has taught me so much about living. Despite my immensely broken self, he has never spotlighted that, or attempted to degrade me. Even when I was doing things he knew was wrong, he patiently, prayerfully, and kindly accepted me as I was, and knew I would develop and grow in God's timing, not his. He has shown me the greatest level of heavenly love. He has given me grace.
I am so thankful for him. Truly I am. Every day he teaches me something new. I am in awe of how blessed I am. I genuinely do love being with him.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Catholicism.
This week I keep feeling, tugged, pulled, something'd towards the RCC. It's a notion that confuses and perplexes me, to be perfectly honest. Not that I am against that church. Not at all. Quite the contrary. I definitely think it has a lot of brokenness and issues that need to be corrected and resolved. Truth be told, though, at the core of all things Christianity, I don't know of a single church that doesn't. In my entire life, I have never seen one church that 100% completely follows and obeys what scripture lays out.
While the RCC has some brokenness, it has an immense aspect that I have found in no other church: reverence. In protestantism, worship of God has morphed so much more into a concert, than an awesome awe inspiring, amazingly beautiful, humbling, silencing, amazing act of love towards God. It seems to be more about solo's and spotlights, than it is about who He really is and what it is that He enjoys. People have so little reverence for God. He is portrayed to be all about love and laughter, and His majesty, His fierceness, His justice, His power, are almost completely ignored...especially the presence of His Holy Spirit.
The urging towards the RCC isn't what perplexes me, it's the person connected to it that does. In all my years of loving, fighting, arguing, aggravating, and debating Catholics (including priests and one bishop), he is the only one who gets under my skin. Of our countless "discussions" he has only conceded on ONE issue (and when he did I was so shocked that it literally rendered me speechless).
The complication of him is that he is the last person on God's green earth that I would've ever expected to bring about this situation in my life. I suppose I had become comfortable in the position that no one was smart enough, capable enough, quick thinking enough, or fierce enough to take me on. I am an intense person to discuss theology with. I will not be comforted, nor resigned to wishy washy, "good feeling" religion and if you can't back up what you say, I'm genuinely not interested. Did God create him for the purpose of calling my family? Is that merely coincidence or divinely all laid out?
What do I appreciate about him? Truthfully, his compatibleness. He is capable of holding his own against me. I value that, honestly, I think more than anything else. I am a fast talker, a fast thinker, and I know how to argue. So is he. I honestly don't think there is another person on this planet capable of taking me on, aside from him. I have never met a person like him.
I value that he is not my husband or any other romantic entity in my life. When I was dating SS, I always felt pressured, pushed, forced, and almost begged to "convert" (though to be honest, I don't like that word. Our faiths are virtually identical-protestants and catholics. I think acceptance is a better word, as the RCC is more about humbling one's self to leadership). SS desperately wanted me to be where he was so that he would never be challenged, and so that he could marry me without any sort of nervousness or guilt. With J, he has nothing to gain, nor benefit, by what I do or don't believe. It really doesn't matter to him, one way or the other. That is refreshing.
What I wonder is, when he moves on from my life, will this urging go away? Is the urging linked to his ability to fight me, or is it spiritual? Is he the cause or is Christ? His existence nags me. Is this all coincidence or providence? If it is, just coincidence, does that devoid it of all meaning and intent? If it is providence, is that a divine revelation of where I belong?
It's embarrassing to have loved Christ for so long, to have studied, to have pondered, sought, and desired for so long, and yet to still seem to know so completely little about Him. I love being the student. I suppose what I wonder is... is he trustworthy enough to be the teacher?
While the RCC has some brokenness, it has an immense aspect that I have found in no other church: reverence. In protestantism, worship of God has morphed so much more into a concert, than an awesome awe inspiring, amazingly beautiful, humbling, silencing, amazing act of love towards God. It seems to be more about solo's and spotlights, than it is about who He really is and what it is that He enjoys. People have so little reverence for God. He is portrayed to be all about love and laughter, and His majesty, His fierceness, His justice, His power, are almost completely ignored...especially the presence of His Holy Spirit.
The urging towards the RCC isn't what perplexes me, it's the person connected to it that does. In all my years of loving, fighting, arguing, aggravating, and debating Catholics (including priests and one bishop), he is the only one who gets under my skin. Of our countless "discussions" he has only conceded on ONE issue (and when he did I was so shocked that it literally rendered me speechless).
The complication of him is that he is the last person on God's green earth that I would've ever expected to bring about this situation in my life. I suppose I had become comfortable in the position that no one was smart enough, capable enough, quick thinking enough, or fierce enough to take me on. I am an intense person to discuss theology with. I will not be comforted, nor resigned to wishy washy, "good feeling" religion and if you can't back up what you say, I'm genuinely not interested. Did God create him for the purpose of calling my family? Is that merely coincidence or divinely all laid out?
What do I appreciate about him? Truthfully, his compatibleness. He is capable of holding his own against me. I value that, honestly, I think more than anything else. I am a fast talker, a fast thinker, and I know how to argue. So is he. I honestly don't think there is another person on this planet capable of taking me on, aside from him. I have never met a person like him.
I value that he is not my husband or any other romantic entity in my life. When I was dating SS, I always felt pressured, pushed, forced, and almost begged to "convert" (though to be honest, I don't like that word. Our faiths are virtually identical-protestants and catholics. I think acceptance is a better word, as the RCC is more about humbling one's self to leadership). SS desperately wanted me to be where he was so that he would never be challenged, and so that he could marry me without any sort of nervousness or guilt. With J, he has nothing to gain, nor benefit, by what I do or don't believe. It really doesn't matter to him, one way or the other. That is refreshing.
What I wonder is, when he moves on from my life, will this urging go away? Is the urging linked to his ability to fight me, or is it spiritual? Is he the cause or is Christ? His existence nags me. Is this all coincidence or providence? If it is, just coincidence, does that devoid it of all meaning and intent? If it is providence, is that a divine revelation of where I belong?
It's embarrassing to have loved Christ for so long, to have studied, to have pondered, sought, and desired for so long, and yet to still seem to know so completely little about Him. I love being the student. I suppose what I wonder is... is he trustworthy enough to be the teacher?
circus acts
I wonder at what moment in my life did the notion of all of my goals and ambitions get thrown up in to the vast array that is our atmosphere, and I decided that I wanted to join a circus. You might be asking, the circus? What is she? A trapeze artist? Nope. Terrified of heights. Seriously. If God wanted me to be up high, He would've made me taller. ;)
The notion of ever having a circus was pretty much lost on me when I was fifteen. I didn't grow up in the most delightful of circumstances. To basically fight, force, and beg your way to feeling loved and accepted, isn't my take on having a delightful childhood. Not that I am complaining about it, I believe it instilled in me a fighter pilot nature that has enabled me to withstand the most violent of adulthood experiences. I was not a hilarious child. I wasn't pretty. I wasn't graceful. I wasn't classy. I was hardcore and angry. I was hell bent on perfection. I found my acceptance in achievement (which was largely ignored), and Christianly perfectionism. Truth be told, in my family, if you weren't attempting suicide, or shagging everything in sight, or screaming louder than everyone else around you, then you didn't matter. To rebel against the "system" was what got you attention. I was way too convicted religiously to allow that in myself. I was way too focused on being perfect to allow myself to fall.
When I was fifteen, I was diagnosed with a disorder that would make having children nearly impossible. Truth be told, I think when my doctor said it, I was relieved. The idea of creating a circus (as opposed to leaving the one I grew up in) was atrocious. Why would anyone ever want to have children!?
Perhaps this notion of being unpregnatable and my passionate abhorrence of all things birth control, I never even contemplated cautiousness in regards to conceiving a child. This is where I can say with 100% certainty, that God has a sense of humor.
The woman who was supposed to not be able to conceive (I was literally told that I probably would never be able to have a baby even WITH methods like IVF), was found to be with child...days before my brand new, fresh off the printer, licensed and armed, husband was to head on to the middle east.
The circus began...
Over the years our circus has grown from two, to three, to six, to eight... People have come and gone from our lives. Pets have come and gone. We have broken down the tent, and put it up elsewhere.
All of this leads me to wonder what my circus role is. I mean, who do I portray under the bright lights? I suppose I would be the ring leader. I make sure all of the acts are keeping up with time, looking sharp, and the crowds are entertained. A lot of people might be under the impression the ring leader is the boss, the alpha male...the top dog. However, it just goes to show how little they know about the circus. In a circus, the top dog is the director, not the ring leader. The ring leader is just another act in the grand balancing scheme that the makes up the circus whole.
I wonder how we perform in the grand scheme of things. I wonder if our circus is valuable.
The woman who was supposed to not be able to conceive (I was literally told that I probably would never be able to have a baby even WITH methods like IVF), was found to be with child...days before my brand new, fresh off the printer, licensed and armed, husband was to head on to the middle east.
The circus began...
Over the years our circus has grown from two, to three, to six, to eight... People have come and gone from our lives. Pets have come and gone. We have broken down the tent, and put it up elsewhere.
All of this leads me to wonder what my circus role is. I mean, who do I portray under the bright lights? I suppose I would be the ring leader. I make sure all of the acts are keeping up with time, looking sharp, and the crowds are entertained. A lot of people might be under the impression the ring leader is the boss, the alpha male...the top dog. However, it just goes to show how little they know about the circus. In a circus, the top dog is the director, not the ring leader. The ring leader is just another act in the grand balancing scheme that the makes up the circus whole.
I wonder how we perform in the grand scheme of things. I wonder if our circus is valuable.
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