Winding down

I showed up in this town with three babies. Three tiny human beings who were so frail and so... I don't even know. Their older sister was just over two. I honestly can't remember the road trip very much. I have a few random snippets of memories, but they aren't clear in my mind.

Seven years... Seven years brought a plethora of jokes about being Moses'd and never leaving. Seven years has brought four post commander, Brigade commander, Battalion commander changes... Countless company leaders have come and gone. Soldiers, volunteers, friends... Beautiful friends have moved on and away. I began to feel like a concrete pillar. I felt cemented here. I felt resigned.

And then the Army came and changed the game plan (as the Army so often does). What was the plan, is no longer the plan, and now there is a new one.

I've got to be honest with you, America, my heart broke in that levee briefing. It seems so strange to write that. It is bizarre to feel heartbroken about leaving this place that in so many ways, felt like where happiness went to die. It is irritating that when I began to feel of it as home, was when it was taken away.

These walls watched my children learn to walk, read, write... These walls surrounded me while my husband deployed (a few times), my children grieved, and my heart ached. These walls have listened to seven years of laughter and love. These walls surrounded us as we mourned our beloved Jake, and the three babies that my body couldn't hold on to. This house stopped being a "house" and became my home.

And now I have to leave it. And it hurts like hell. It reduces me to tears and it makes my heart ache, to know that these days, these moments, are ticking away. They are on a countdown to done, and a new story will begin. I will turn in the keys and drive away and this house will hold someone else's memories.

I don't want to go.

I wonder if this is how Moses and the Israelites felt. Their wandering in the desert was over, and now the new chapter was about to begin. Did they grieve leaving the familiar? Did it hurt to move on? I think they were afraid. I'm guessing that because in the beginning of Moses' replacement, God keeps telling him to "be strong and courageous". Why would God tell him that if he did not feel weak and fearful? Maybe... grief?

I am excited for our next chapter. I am looking forward to the new memories and the new experiences that will come with it. I am hopeful for the next page.

But I am still aching. This place is worth that. These memories deserve it. The friends I leave behind... my great, great friend I leave behind, is worth it.