the sun is shining

This morning I woke up with the neck acting up. I have an ice pack wrapped around my neck as I sit here typing this post. Apparently holding my head up is proving to be too difficult for my spine this morning. It only seems to hurt when I am not lying down. Strange...what the bones do. :)

Last night was such a beautiful night in our home. It was one of those picture perfect, everything that you hoped for, kind of evenings. Our conversations were wonderful, our snuggles were extra special, my children were cooperative. It was just a wonderful evening. 

I had a funny dream last night and it's making me slightly nervous (as to how realistic it was) that I called someone in my sleep. I think I will check my phone just to be sure. I swear I was talking to someone. I can remember everything about the conversation, like it was literally happening! It's strange to have dreams that seem to be so vivid and real. I'm not a sleep walker/talker (that I have ever been told) so it probably was just a dream. I'd have to be certain so that I don't owe anyone an apology.

All in all, I am looking forward to a good day. Isn't it lovely to be alive this morning? :)

searching for the open window

Sometimes you have the most perfect of all plans. You have prayed about them, meticulously thought them over, and then discovered that those plans just aren't going to happen. So there you are...your path that you had so precisely painted and sculpted is getting volcanoed right in front of you. The other path, the one you had not labored so hard for, is completely wild and scary. It is the amazonian jungle of all paths. You are looking at it and thinking in your head what the heck am I going to do!? I can't go down that path!

Of everything that I imagined to be happening in my life, this is not it. This was not a part of our "plan". To be prejudiced and discriminated against, and then prevented from advancement is the most ridiculous of notions. I can't even begin to fathom my emotions. I can't begin to explain the level of self control that it takes not to freak out and start screaming obscenities at the people that I previously thought kindly of. Those gentlemen should be ashamed of themselves. They should be embarrassed to hold the positions that they hold. At least God knows what they have said. God heard them, even if they believe no one else did. And one day the manipulative, passive aggressive, erroneous statements that they have made will be revealed. Your true nature is now known to me. One day, everyone will see you for who you are.

We have been praying so much about what it is that God has wanted us to do. Sometimes, truth be told, the answers come in the "no" forms much more so than the "yes" forms. When He shuts a door...

I can't deny that I am terrified to walk through the amazonian jungle. The discomfort of my marital life for the past seven years has been so familiar to me. I am used to the insanity that is the military. I am comfortable in the craziness. Maybe it's because I know its insane and have therefore resigned myself to it. Maybe it's because there is a comfort that comes in being uncomfortable. Maybe that's why it all needs to change. God knows that I seem to thrive the best in the most insane of situations. Truth be told, I am grateful for Him allowing me to experience them. It is through hardship, that I grow the most. All the same, I hate to be here.

I wonder what will happen in the days to come. I am afraid. I am uncomfortable. I am nervous. But yet, on the flip side, I have a feeling of a notion of freedom that I have not known since before I married into this life. It's almost like the sun might possibly be rising. What will be next? I have no idea! But whatever it is, I know that the lobster and I will navigate it together and that brings me tremendous comfort.

Imagine a big imagination.

I love listening to my children play. It is always so fascinating the types of situations they create. For instance, this morning, they were playing that my oldest was having a baby (complete with crying out in pain...they don't watch TV and have never seen a baby be born, so where is this coming from!? hehe), while her sisters were her "encouragement" team. They were telling her "You can do it! Keep pushing!"

Other days they play that they're animals and they're in the zoo. One of them is the zoo keeper (trying to keep all the animals in the places they belong) and the rest of them are animals that are trying to escape. I wonder where they come up with this stuff. It's hilarious! Especially when you hear one of them roaring like a lion and then they say "Hang on! I have to go pee! I'll be right back!" It's such a sudden interruption to the image being portrayed. Within a minute they are right back at the roaring and playing.

My kids crack me up. :)

religiosity and the pet peeve

I despise people who claim to a faith but don't live it. Okay, maybe I don't despise the people (because I have some people I care an awful lot about that do this), however this perspective is one of my pet peeves.

I can't begin to tell you how many times I have heard someone say: "I'm Jewish because I was raised that way. I'm Catholic because that's how I was raised. I'm Baptist", etc etc (you're getting the picture, right?). Upon further questioning, you get down to this: "Well, I don't really follow it." OH! I'm sorry! I didn't realize that Judaism, or Catholicism, or Baptism, or any other religionism was a parenting style. I have long been under the understanding that a religion was a deeply held belief. So, if you don't follow it, and you don't believe it, then why do you attribute yourself to it?

My current theory is that people don't want to feel left out, or like they're not a part of the big "club" that connects themselves to a particular faith. If I start talking about church, you either get it or you don't, or you get it through the rose colored glasses of whatever church you may have attended in your youth.

For me, my faith is deeply personal. It has nothing to do with my parents, but yet everything to do with my relationship with my Creator. Period. It isn't about social clubs or statuses, it isn't about friends or popularity. It isn't about feeling like a rebel or feeling morally superior. It is simply about how I have examined the world through my rose colored glasses, and logically decided that love or laughter or joy could not have evolved (as they serve no evolutionary purpose), and then that prompted a question. The question then prompted a search and the search led me to my faith. It has nothing to do with what my parents took me to do on Sunday morning (or Saturday or whenever for some of you).

My question to my "I was raised as" friends is, why be half connected? I mean, in all major faiths, it's pretty much all or nothing (with the exception of my Baha'i pals, and as much as I love you...) you don't get to be a part of the "club" (so to speak) because your parents took you somewhere and you sat there patiently (or impatiently) and played along with the social expectations of that given faith. Belief is belief and it is intense and personal and passionate. If you have no belief then you have no connection so stop associating yourself with them.

Okay. I'm done now. Sorry for my banter. I really do love you guys... :)

Thursdays and Fridays and wonderfulness

The lobster returned last night from a decent stretch of time apart. Not deployment length, but enough to miss him quite terribly. Needless to say, in this military household, last night was awesome!

Our kids wanted to be surprised when he came home. I went to pick him up and came home like normal. The lobster waited outside for my friend to leave and then came and rang the doorbell. I had the kids answer the door and they took a second to process that it was their daddy, but when they did they started screaming "DADDY!" and jumping up and down. It was so fun to surprise them! :)

This morning they are crowding around him like he's a brand new puppy. It is beautiful to sit here watching them be all over him and enjoying him. What a blessed sight it is to see how deeply they love him and cherish him. The scene in our home is filled with joy and a lot of little people's voices telling their father everything that they can possibly think of to tell him.

On another note...I have lost nine pounds in a couple of weeks of yoga. Seriously! I have never lost weight so quickly in my life. I have done an awful lot of exercise routines, and this one is lengthening my muscles, helping  my back, and making me feel like a woman. Plus it also happens to just be having weight fall off. I enjoy that. I wish someone had introduced me to yoga after the triplets!!! I don't know how well I would've been able to do it with the newborn triplets but it would've been nice to try.

Anyway. It's been a great morning so far. I feel so blessed. Now back to the cell phone constantly getting text messages (his), and the phone calls that come all the time from his soldiers, and the busy-ness of having the whole family together. I honestly wouldn't trade it for anything else in the world. :)

you

Love is as simple as a hello, as painful as a goodbye, as delightful as a shooting star, as exciting as a new discovery. The deliciousness comes between the beginning and the end and how whole heartedly, how passionately, how truly you experience it. Love is more than poetry. It is the essence of being. To love someone, and to be deeply and genuinely loved in return is the greatest earthly gift a person can be given. More beautiful than jewels, more precious than praise, more delightful than laughter.

It has been my greatest honor to love you for all these fantastically messy, exceptionally electric, blaringly bold, immensely crazy years. I would do it all over again in a heart beat.

REDII

Tonight the kids and I were all playing together on my bed. They were burying me in pillows and laughing hysterically as I burst out from under the pillows. I love how my children find such joy in interaction with me. It's not that we're doing fifteen thousand expensive things...it's the creative games where we all just rough house that they seem to adore.

You popped into the picture when my son sat still and was looking across the room at a picture. I know that everyone has always said he looks like you, but in this moment...it was like time stood still and you were looking across the room. Truth be told, my eyes welled up with tears. This launched all of the kids into a thousand questions about you and why I was crying.

I think death is a difficult concept for children. I suppose it's really a difficult concept for anyone. How do I describe you to this beautiful little boy that is your spitting image? I miss you so much. I wonder what traits of yours, aside from the physical he will have when he grows up. I wonder if he will struggle with any of your struggles. I wonder if he will love like you loved. I wonder if he will care about people as deeply as you did. I hope he doesn't struggle as much with communicating it though...

Your love was one of my most favorites. I understood you. I still remember the only conversation that I ever had where I was so hurt by you. I remember you saying so emotionally "What choice do I have? It's you or him. Who do I choose?" I remember in that moment being so hurt for you. I remember telling you that I would never abandon you no matter what. I remember telling you I would love you always and I wouldn't go away. I also remember telling you that it was a sucky choice that you made, but that I understood. For some reason that conversation popped into my head today.

Your death was one that I grieved so heavily. For days I couldn't sleep. I just kept hearing your voice calling my name over and over again in a haunting tone. It was almost like your ghost, or your spirit, was begging me for something. My spirit was begging you to just believe. I would've given anything for you to believe.

I have no monument to remember you by. I have no place to go to in order to feel your presence...except the red chairs. They don't smell like you anymore. Somehow that has gotten lost over the past year. Your smell has become mine...your chairs have become mine...I still remember the last time I saw you sitting in  that chair...you had those dark pants on with those white socks. It was Christmas. Our dad and us were all there. I know how beautiful that moment was for you. I know it was a dream of yours being fulfilled. I was happy to see it done for you. I was happy to be a part of that image in your heart.

I miss calling you. I miss talking to you about life, love, the Army, and war. I miss the connection that we shared. I miss your encouragement. I miss it terribly. It was always so difficult for you to show your emotions...and the times you did are forever tattooed on my spirit.

I love you Grandpa. I am so thankful that you always knew that. I am thankful that you never questioned it. I am thankful that we were close...I am thankful that I showed you my vulnerabilities, and that I was blessed to see yours. I am thankful for the laughs, for the advice, for the disagreements, for the stories, for your friendship. I am thankful that I have a piece of you walking around in front of me every day...I am thankful that my son looks just like you.