For BK and DF

Soon the giver of my last name is going to go away and he will be very far away for a long time. I will miss him agonizingly so. It will be painful. I will cry. I will be angry. I will be frustrated. I will feel helpless. I will probably write some angry, waterfall-sobbing, unhappy blog posts. I will probably spend a lot of time on the phone reaching out to those that I know will support me. I will have difficult nights, extremely long days, exhausting experiences and on and on. I wish to convey with the greatest level of capacity within myself that I. will. be. okay.

I will get through this entire experience. I will survive. I will endure. I will laugh sometimes. I will cry sometimes. I will be lonely. I will be comforted. I will worry. I will feel secure. I will be afraid. My faith will be tested and it will grow. I will have wonderful opportunities that I would shoot down if he was here. Doors will open. Others will close. I. will. be. okay.

The last time my lobster left, was very different from this one. To be perfectly honest, I felt extremely alone. I had "friends" but none that I deeply related to or connected with. You see, despite my cheery demeanor, I am exceptionally picky about those people that I desire to spend an enormous amount of time with. I'm even pickier about who I will be vulnerable around. You have no idea how many of my dear friends have never seen me cry. I am just that uptight about my emotions. I would also rather be the one cheering people up than the one in need of it. You have no idea how many people have been in my life for a long time and don't know that much about me. I have trust issues. I accept it. I recognize it. I live with it. I also have a lot of pretty good reasons for being this way. I would also like to point out that even Christ had an inner circle. He loved all, gave to all, but only a select few were a part of his support system.

You had to know that when I started writing this post, there was a purpose behind it. You had to assume there was a "but" that was going to come in here somewhere. Especially when you consider how horrifically angry my last post was. Well here is my "but"...the tripod.

I am a member of a group of three, and I have collectively named our friendship the tripod. I have never had friends like this. To be perfectly honest, I really genuinely love them. I love them so much that when I start to think about it, I get emotional and teary. For those of you who know me well (or at least have for a long time) you realize how utterly shocking this is. I hug them! I'm serious! Without prompting! It's amazing! They are so encouraging. So often on a horrible day, or an angry day, or a whatever day, we all get together and it just fades away. I forget what I was upset about, or I vent and release it, and then I go home feeling so much better. They love Jesus. Not just in a superficial, "yeah, I like him" kind of way. No. They really love Him and want to grow and be more like Him every day. They love their husbands. In the same way that I love mine. Desperately, deeply, and intensely. Their husbands love them the same way that mine does. The six of us (tripods, plus spouses) are ALL friends! Not in a "I accept your friend's husband because it's important to you" kind of way, but in a way that the three of them really enjoy each others company! Even when us girls are not around! As much as I love each of them and think about them and pray for them and want to help them, it is equally reciprocated. There is no feeling like I'm doing everything or all the giving and they're just takers. No. They think about me. They help me. They are there for me. We are all parenting very similarly. And I actually like their children! I like being around them. I like my children being around them. They are my village. They are my "family" here.

Do you have any idea how exceptionally rare this is!? It is all entirely God. Seriously. To have a group of three without anyone feeling like the odd wheel or left out is so rare. To have our husbands all like each other equally is also rare. To have us all like the others' kids and want to be around them is also rare. To all live near each other is rare. To have two girlfriends who don't gossip and who are NOT negative central is rare. To all get along, to all support, to all have the same faith, to all be a part of the Army, it's just so mind boggling that I don't have words.

I know that whatever comes from this deployment will be okay. I know that when I have the ugly cries (that always come) and when I have the sad moments, it will be okay. I am not alone. Me and my tripod will make it through this together. I wish I could describe to you what this means to me, how comforted my heart is. I am more thankful for them than I have words to say. I really love them. Deeply. As we each go through our unique challenges of the next year (two of our hubsters deployed, and one doing basically non stop field training) will be hard. But we'll be all right. In a tripod, all three legs lean on each other to hold themselves up, but are ultimately held together by a connecting force. Christ holds us together, and through leaning on each other, none of us will fall.

Love you BK and DF. And I am totally crying now. I hope you're satisfied. haha

I try to draw the line, but it ends up running down the middle of me most of the time.

There is an element of self loathing in me. I feel like I am speeding along a road at ninety miles an hour, except that I know there is a brick wall that is going to appear soon...

I am blessed beyond measure. I honestly have nothing to complain about. I have one amazing husband (just in case you were wondering if I had two), four beautiful and intelligent children, two precious dogs, a home to live in, food, water, clothes...

Why is it that when someone starts listing all of the good things that they have, you always know the "but" is going to come in eventually like an invited, name tagged, and place-carded character at a formal dinner?

Well here is my but, "you".

You are like a poison. You are constantly looking for more than what you currently have. You jump into these waves of self destructive actions. You know that you deserve nothing, that in fact what you have is ridiculously amazing and wonderful. You feel like you need to be punished. In fact, I know that you enjoy it. You crave suffering. You thrive on it.

And damn it why does your smile haunt me so? Why does your face come into my dreams and intrude on my thoughts? I don't want you here. I don't want to think about you, wonder about you, relate to you. I don't want to feel connected to you like a force that I can not contain. I don't want to write about you. I don't want to cry about you. I wish you would just go away. I wish it with a level of intensity that I don't even know how to control. I am helpless in your presence. I act differently. I become someone else. Do I love you? How do I even begin to discuss that word in regards to you? It is so menial, so tiny... And you will be like everyone else and pack up your stupid things and leave. And you'll be wrapped around my finger.

It really doesn't matter how angry I feel, or how much I cry. It really makes no difference if I say anything at all. I am helpless. I am utterly helpless. So I spend my days trying to make you laugh. I spend my lonely moments thinking about you. I pray and I pray and I pray and I pray. Yet for someone reason, it feels like God isn't listening when it comes to you. Maybe He just wants me to be uncomfortable. Maybe He wants me to hurt. Or maybe I do.

I feel so disgustingly ugly in ways I can't even verbalize. I have no ways or means of expressing the stupid emotions dog piling up in my girlish mind. I am often hidden underneath a canopy of armor that is so affluent in my life that I forget it's there. Who am I underneath it all? Why do I so desperately want you to peel back the layers? Why do I want you to expose them? Why do I want you to examine me, figure me out, and then put me on your shelf of all things contemplated, studied, pondered, categorized, and then fought for? Why do I want you to fight for me? Or is it that I want you to fight against me?

You are like a drug that I cannot get freedom from. Why is it that the truth is always revealed in the things not said? Why is it that you can say so many beautiful, eloquent words, but yet the words are not at all what you're saying? I only hear your meanings. I don't even know if I really know how to talk to you. I come across so bossy, so controlling and you come across as so freaking prideful. You know you're smart, and I suppose I know it too. I think I know it probably much more than anyone. Yet I find it so ironic that you have this constant, driving need to prove it to everyone around you. All they end up hearing is that you're an A hole, and all you end up feeling is frustrated and defeated. No body ever wins in your self protective society. You are the top dog and yet you randomly give me snippets of my ability to impact you. I love it. I love it so deeply that I crave it and I find myself hungry for more and more of them. That disgusts me.

I want to save you. I want to save you from yourself and protect you from the insanity that is your life and our life and this life. I want to be your hero. The fact that I can't is mind numbing, emotion boggling...like water rushing through fingers. There are only trace elements of what it is that I am capable of holding on to.

I want to know you more than I have the ability to. I want to sit and hear you talk for hours and hours...even though I know that the words you say are so irrelevant in the grand scheme of what you are conveying. I see you, perhaps better than you can see yourself. I think that you know that and it frightens you. I think that you know that and it intrigues you. I think that it makes you feel comfortable and uncomfortable at the same time. I think I am a problem that you want to know how to solve. Perhaps that is what has kept you around.

I know the time is coming when you will leave. And your impact here will become almost non existent. You will just be wrapped around my finger. It makes me so angry. I hate being helpless.

So tell me baby, who are the bad guys here? Is it me? Am I the enemy that you have been fighting all along? Where is the poetry in this moment? Have you really gotten everything that you ever wanted?

I know why the caged bird sings. Okay, so I'm being dramatic.

I miss dancing. I miss letting loose a plethora of emotions to choreography. I miss forcing my body to express what my words can not. I miss creating. I miss story telling.I miss singing. I miss performing. I miss acting too. I miss playing volleyball. I miss tennis. I wish I had someone who would play tennis with me. I miss being physically challenged by those around me.

I am completely immersed in mom-dom. Momdom is very similar to kingdom, except that it is filled with a lot of children and very few adults. It's the girly version of ruling a crowd. On a side note and off topic: have you ever noticed how the very word "kingdom" implies nothing to the effeminate? It is completely  masculine. As are a lot of words in the English language. 

Back to topic now. :) I am trapped in the confines of my gender. I feel like fighting. I am in a fighting mood. Not fighting in the sense of arguing with my lobster (I actually hate that). I mean, I just sometimes miss the challenge of taking on all of the big boys and playing their game and doing a better job at it than they do. There was this guy in high school... He was my male nemesis. Okay, not really... he was actually a pretty cool dude. But he and I were competitors. He was smart, but I was smarter (I can say this with a certainty...because one of us was valedictorian...and one of us wasn't....that's all I'm saying. haha). 

I just miss being fired up. I miss getting my passionate juices flowing and having a knock down, drag out, crazy, inspiring, beautiful, sensational, amazing fight. I miss going against the grain. I miss being unique. I miss being able to start up the engines and take on the world. 

I usually feel quite content here in this life that I live. For some reason today...I just miss being...different. I feel so conformist. I feel so stuck.

I am sure it will pass momentarily. I think I just need to flex my book-loving muscles...and not "The Cat in the Hat" kind. :)

freedom

I am so thankful for my husband. He is such a beautiful treasure of a man. I was talking to him last night about a long list of things on my heart and mind (it seems like I write that often here...), and he said something that was self berating. I seriously laughed. The idea that he finds himself to be worthless is so silly to me.

He is the greatest man I have ever known. I do not say that lightly either. All of my faithful friends, family, and readers know the experiences that he and I have been through in our marriage. I am blessed that God has given me the freedom to love him wholly. To love him this freely, this deeply, this way... My heart could be so grieved. Society wouldn't begrudge me, and quite honestly, most Christians wouldn't either. Many would say I have a valid excuse to hate him...to resent him...to despise him. 

I wish I could show you the grace that he has given to me. 

Do you know how beautiful it is to be wholly loved? To have someone that loves you despite the fact that you often, unintentionally, act like a fool, or talk too much, or do other things that aren't "supposed" to be done? (I feel the need to clarify that I am not referring to infidelity or any thing that would jeopardize the purity and sanctity of my marriage.) He loves me, trusts me, and sets me free to do what my heart is burdened or convicted to do. He loves me with freedom. It is interesting to note that he is the only man who has been capable of giving me that. I have been in a few relationships in my day (seriously...wish I could say differently), and all other men saw me as a wild, uncontrollable, fascinating force of a woman and they wanted to tame me, control me, change me. They wanted that or at least to bask in the off gassing of my bold statements. I don't know. They always wanted me to be something different than who I was. It seemed like they found their manly value in being able to mold me in to some cookie cutter image of who they wanted me to be. 

But not my lobster. When I met him I instantly knew I would never be the same. Here was an individual that from a spiritual level, instantly impacted me. It was an instant connection like none I had ever had before. He loved me quietly. He loved me freely. He encouraged me to continue in my independence with education and schooling. He set me free to be me. And in turn for that freedom, I cancelled our wedding, broke up with him, and started dating someone else. I. walked. away.

For most people that would've been the end of it. That would've been the point where they would say...that chick is crazy. She is out of control. She is probably a lot of bad words. And maybe he did some of those things. Yet, despite all of my instability, he still loved me freely. He stayed single throughout my nearly two year long relationship with someone else. He occasionally would call me to check in because I was his "best friend" and you "just don't walk away from that." I was aloof. I was even mean, and he still loved. 

Eventually that other relationship ended and God allowed me to be reunited with my heart's mate in every way. He has so preciously, and beautifully, loved me through controlling outbursts, attitudes like you wouldn't believe, laziness, panics (let me tell you...the two and half years at the beginning of the triplets existences were not pretty), and on and on. 

What I find a little funny is that he attained the goal of what so many before him could not do. I wonder if he saw my ability when I couldn't. I wonder if he knew that the only way to achieve that change was to accept me for who I was and allow God to do the changing. I don't know. I've never asked him. For him to have known that takes immense wisdom. It takes heavenly discernment. 

I am in awe of him. I have the utmost respect for him (and that is something I don't give out easily). I cherish him more than I know how to describe. I am so blessed. I am so blessed. 

God has given me so much joy. Yes, I have had periods of immense suffering and agony, but the result is extremely worth it. There is so much freedom in love. Real love sets you free. 

That's amore...the only way I see it. :)

Love has been on my heart a lot this past week. I wish I could say that such and such happened and is the reason why. I don't really have a situation like that. Love has just been on my mind. Perhaps it's because all around me I see so very little of it offered genuinely, and so many people in deep need of it.

My love (AKA the lobster-and in case you've been wondering why I call him that, it's because lobster's mate for life and the only way out of this marriage is via death...which you could sort of claim as very "gang" like...blood in...blood out. But hey! I've always been an intense gal, and that's the only way I would ever get married. hehe) and I were having a lengthy conversation about love tonight. I was sharing with him about some of the matters that had been weighing on my heart and asking for his leadership on how I should handle them. My heart aches to love people. I desire it desperately. I know how deeply my heart, my soul, my spirit ached for it before it was so generously given to me.

I believe in love given with strings not attached.

It's quite honestly the only way I know how to love. If I love you with expectations of grandeur or praise or even kindness returned, then is it no longer love, but rather a purchase. Isn't that sort of like paying for something that you want?

The needs are so immense. The broken hearts are so intense that I experience the near trembling of my bones as to how I will ever be able to give each broken heart a piece of Heavenly love. It is so much like a drop of water to dry and dehydrated lips and my arms ache to give more and more and more.

I wish I could show you my Father's love. I wish I could unskin myself and clothe myself in only His beautiful embraces and hold you. I want with all of my heart for you to know that I see your aching heart. Please be assured it is by no ability of my own, but only that which the Lord allows me to see. I make no boast in my self. I am lowly and merely human and I am quite honestly incapable of giving that which your heart desires. I have no idea why God has allowed me to see the suffering that you are hiding. I don't know how to even explain it in words so that you can understand. My heart is so grieved for your desire. I am daily, constantly, in prayer for God to give you the yearning of your heart. I know, with complete certainty, that He will satisfy you. I pray wholeheartedly that God will allow you to know, to experience, that you are not alone in your thoughts. You are not alone on this earth. There are people who see you. There are people who love you, and accept you just the way you are. There are people who see the beauty that dwells in your heart. You are so beautiful and I honestly believe you have no idea how amazing you really are. My heart loves you so deeply. With no strings attached.

The quiet that inevitably comes...

I am sitting here on a beautiful afternoon. The weather outside is amazing. There is a gentle breeze... The sun is shining through the sheer curtains to my right. It's almost like feeling radiance on your skin. To just stop and stay still enough to experience the beauty of the sun... this is something that I struggle with doing. I am often moving at a thousand miles a moment. It is rare when I get to sit still and just talk to someone for moments without interruptions.

Today I feel almost eager. I want to climb out of my skin and experience so much that is beyond my capability. I often feel trapped in the confines of my circumstance. Not in the circumstance of being married or a mother. I am  talking about human existence. There is so much beauty that surrounds us. We are often distracted, or embarrassed, or discontented to such a point that we don't notice it. Many times we spend a thousand hours with questions and situations where we simply can NOT know with certainty the answers. We are distracted by our fleshly ability to barely experience moments. I want to throw off those inhibitions. I want to be able to sit in a car with my children, waiting on whatever it is that is to come, and enjoy the beauty of that moment. I want to sit and talk to someone for two hours about theology and grow and be challenged and cherish the beauty of that experience. I want to sit here in this room enjoying the breeze as it blows through my curtains, and the feeling of sunlight on my skin. I want to relish in it. I want to cherish it.

So tell me...why do I feel so guilty when I sit still?

I love to laugh! Ha Ha Ha Ha!

I love to laugh. Seriously. I spend time every single day reading jokes. I think it is so important to have a laugh about the aspects of life. People are way too serious. We spend so much time all day long wearing these big fancy serious pants, that we completely forget to just let loose and act silly. For the young in bones (as opposed to young at heart), the only way to "let loose" seems to be to get completely wasted, act like an idiot, end up broke, and blame it on the booze. I however think it is much cheaper, and less hang-overy, to just act silly minus the alcohol.

Now it might be difficult for some of you to behave like a complete lunatic without an excuse. You see, I have a built in excuse for my lunacy: the triplets. For now and for always, I will always be able to say that my triplets have caused me to be insane. I like to think of it as one of the perks for the amounts of energy they deplete from me. I mean, don't get me wrong. I am not complaining. My kids are one of the greatest resources of hilarity. They are SO much fun. At any given moment one of them will do something so extremely hilarious that I am often laughing throughout my day by their facial expressions, actions, creativity moments, etc etc etc.

But, I digress. Back to my topic. People need a good excuse for complete and utter ridiculous behavior. To clarify, I am not referring to ridiculous behavior of the jerky-donkey-not very nice individual kind. I'm referring to the kind where you just laugh SO loud (as opposed to the more "polite" quiet, lady chuckle), or you give out a WOOOHOOOO, or you dance in the grocery store, etc etc etc etc. I think most women have built in excuses, but sometimes we have to be creative. Maybe you're an Army wife...then you can always blame your lunacy on your "profession" (and lets be clear...being an Army wife is a profession. One must be highly educated, very politely political-it is EXTREMELY difficult to remember all the people's names that you have to remember and their rank's, caring, a professional manager of baked goods, caregiver, multi-gendered-hello! you are mom and dad!, repairman, psychologist, warrior against all things individual-Yes housing, I know you said you fixed my closet, but it still won't open, and on and on). If you're a mom (even if you just have one), then you've got a great excuse! Um...your kids. If you're married...you could use that one. If you're single...you definitely have an excuse (especially if you're upholding the whole, no sex before marriage philosophy).

So now that you've figured out an excuse...go ahead and try an act of lunacy today. Maybe you could climb into an elevator and face the back of the elevator. If you're really brave, you could start singing row, row, row your boat. And then just watch the faces. It will be hilarious. I promise you. Or maybe walk through your grocery store aisle and jump up and click your heels together. It'll get you laughing. Dance with your child in the waiting room to whatever it is that you are waiting for. Better yet, get one of your other kids to sing the music that you're dancing to. Have a tickle fight...with yourself. Well, maybe that's going to far. But either way. Do something hilarious today. I promise that your frame of mind will drastically improve. And if you should choose, tell me the story. I always love a good laugh! :)