Updates

Today has been an incredibly busy day. I barely sat down until about ten o'clock at night, and that was just to finally eat something. I reorganized, sorted through, cleaned, laundry'd, tried to fix my vaccuum (which might be broken, verdict isn't in yet on that way, repaired a door, repaired a dresser, moved furniture, played with children, and spent almost all day long answering emails.

I am exhausted but yet strangely energized. This is the time of day when I am usually so fatigued that I'm ready to quit, yet I feel rejuvenated. I feel somewhat refreshed.

Today I intentionally tried to avoid my telephone. There were a couple of phone calls that couldn't be avoided, but other than those, I tried to have nothing to do today. My children have been having an incredibly difficult time. My son is constantly needing hugs, Charchee is the angriest child ever, Brun is withdrawing from society, and Lolli is manipulating and trying to control everyone. I realize that you might be sitting there saying to yourself, this is all normal, however for our children, this is not.

Going out of town for my sisters wedding was incredibly difficult for them. It triggered incredible emotional hardship in them, as was evidenced by the time we got on the airplane. You know that person who has a blood curdling screamer on an airplane? That was me. Hello autism! And I'm sorry fellow passengers. It was impossible to convince Charchee that her father would not be at home when we got here. She was fine on that plane ride, however, when we got home and her father wasn't, her anger came to visit and has stayed for a week now. Grigio is being aggressive and lashing out at his sisters. Lolli is literally trying to boss, manipulate, and be cruel to every single one of her siblings.

Everyone around me is stressed out, so my normal support system for cheering up is non existent. I suppose,  truthfully, most people are not used to me being angry and miserable, so I don't really blame anyone. It is what it is. As a result of this, I made every attempt to make today a day of complete focus on my kids.

Between friends and FRG, I have been running around like a chicken with my head cut off. The kids and I are both suffering from it. We haven't detoxed. We haven't processed. Their father has now been gone for two months and the anger is beginning to settle in. We're all angry. Angry at the circumstance that we're in. It's not that we don't realize how blessed we are. We do! We are grateful. The lobster is the world's most amazing human being and there are not enough words of praise, respect and adoration to shower on him. It just hurts and to be honest, eventually one has to stop crying, and so instead of crying, you get angry. The 7 stages of deployment grief... We are in the angry phase.

My children need the safety of routine, when the lobster is gone; they need the consistency of knowing what to expect, having a plan, and sticking to it. I realize it is important for children to be taught flexibility, however, in this phase, in this moment of their history, routine makes them feel safe, and safety makes them less angry.

The amount of fighting today was insane. I was saddened to see it. They are all four so compassionate and kind and to see them so angry breaks my heart.

Charchee has so much rage. Do you know she almost never cries? Seriously. I can't remember the last time I saw actual tears coming out of that girls eyes. She ignores. She rejects. She explodes. She internalizes all of the emotions that she feels. For example, tonight, I was having extra snuggle time with her and she started talking about my necklace and how daddy is the only one who puts it on and takes it off. She asked me if I was sad that he is in Iraq. I said that I was. She said "me too" and immediately launched into some conversation about clothes and playing dress up. This is how she always is. If she feels sad, she tries to focus on something else. Then, for hours she will be screaming over everything under the sun, and fighting with all the fight she has in her. She hates to be held. She doesn't want hugs. You almost have to beg her to let you cuddle with her! However, once you penetrate those walls she has up, she doesn't want to leave the safety of the snuggle.

Lolli is trying to figure out the balance between her own emotions and controlling her heartache. It's almost like this massive aspect of her life being completely out of control is causing her to micromanage who even looks in her bedroom. She is terrified. She doesn't know how to process it, so instead she is hell bent on preventing anything else from being out of her control.

Grigio wants to be exactly like his father. Seriously. Everything he does is a concerted effort to copy him. However, almost all day long I am dealing with his intense desire for hugs and ten thousand kisses.

Brun... Brun doesn't really want to be around anyone. She doesn't want hugs. She doesn't want to play together. If everyone is in one room, she leaves. If everyone goes to where she's at, she goes to someplace else. The only thing that she seems to get her to sit still and communicate is, strangely enough, Mr. Spock from Star Trek. Something about him comforts her. She wants to watch Star Trek all the time (which I'm sure you can imagine is not happening that much). I think she appreciates his emotionless. Brun doesn't handle emotions well at all.

Me? I'm furious. I'm exhausted. I'm stressed out. I feel completely alone. I feel like I need a vacation, but truthfully, I have no idea what I'd do with myself on one! I just need to laugh. I need a day where I don't have to fix a hundred people's problems. I need a day where people aren't angry or agitated. I need to feel like misery, fear, and dread aren't present. I need peace. I need him. With all the distractions that permeate my days, none of them compare to him. None compare to the way I feel when he's next to me, or near to me, or looking at me. None compare to his laugh and the way it thaws my north pole of a heart. None compare to the way he makes me laugh, or the peace I feel in his embrace. I need him.

So in the meantime, we're figuring things out. We're refocusing our attentions and readjusting. We're going through the angry phase and getting back to the joy in the challenge. We're handling things one day at a time, and sometimes one hour at a time. We're going through this together looking towards the day when, hopefully, our soldier walks off an airplane and hugs us. That day will be like sunbeams from heaven straight to my soul.