So I am feeling mushy. I am feeling gushy and emotional and so much closer to normal. My heart is going back to its normal state and I am thankful.

The past couple of weeks, I have felt like I was barely functioning. I don't necessarily know how to explain why, and I don't really know what the whole problem was. I don't know if it had to do with the lobster leaving, or the trip to SoCal, or Charchee and her suffering, or my body not cooperating with what I want it to do, or a collection of all of it. I have been incredibly depressed. I have been barely hanging on.

I am usually a happy person. I usually spend an enormous amount of time and effort to laugh, to make others laugh, and to revel in joy. The past couple of weeks, I just lost the ability to find the silliness in things. I felt so disconnected from the lobster. Truth is, no matter how much I say it, people don't realize (including me to be quite honest) how much that man keeps me sane. There's a saying in a song (and I'm going to swear, so my apologies) that goes "The difference between you and me baby, is that I get fucked up when I'm alone." I do. He holds me together. He keeps me laughing. He keeps my mind in perspective. He is the glue that keeps me from disintegrating.

These reminders are beautiful for me. They are beautifully treasured in my heart. To try to explain how it feels to have someone strong enough to hold me up is like a piece of earthly heaven. The man gets me. He knows me. He knows me way better than I know myself. He is the only person I've ever known who is strong enough to penetrate my crazy and bring me back to sanity.

Today, my pillar of strength, was broken. Today he allowed me the beauty of being his support. I can't explain to you what that feels like when he does. You see, he knows how much he needs to be my rock, but he also knows how much I need to be his. I wish I could explain to you his integrity. I wish I could communicate how he can be so angry at someone, and he will not dishonor them, bash them, or degrade them to me ever. He won't tell me who it is, and he will never bash a peer or superior in the earshot of any of his peers or subordinates.

He has this light that shines out of him, even when he's angry or upset. He has this way that just gets to me, and I can't stop myself. He has this way that makes me giggle, and gives me peace, like no other person. He reminds me over and over and over again how blessed I am to have him. He treasures me. I mean, he really treasures me. He values me. He sees me as his greatest earthly gift. He is, in every way, the man that I pray God gives to my daughters.

My girl friends lift me up in ways I don't adequately explain. I would guess that in the past couple of weeks, they've felt slighted, or ignored, or not really included in my universe. I don't know that for certain, but I imagine that's how I'd feel if I was them. But this is where my blessings abound even more, despite my disconnect, they still love me. They still are there for me. We're still a team. I wish I could have figured out how to explain what the heck was going on in my mind. I just didn't. I didn't even know how to communicate it to myself, which is weird since I'm usually so good at communication. I hope you never doubt my deep affection and admiration for you. I value you, and hopefully my period of crazy is done for the next year, however I make no promises!

So, despite the fact that my back is out, and I've got almost no reason to feel so exceptionally happy at this specific moment, I am! I have a lot to be thankful for.