It has been a while since I've written you all. This has been for several reasons, the main one of which was that I was out of town in what can only be considered internet slow mode and I could barely sign into facebook, let alone upload a blog. I am now safely back in my internet zone, and have so much to catch up on.
Last weekend my sister got married. It was sort of surreal to see someone, who in my mind is still twelve, get married. I was blessed to have been her maid of honor, and to be able to experience that with her. Nevermind that I didn't get to do almost anything that a maid of honor gets to do, and the "photographer" didn't take a single picture of me with my sister alone, but whatever. I will be Yelping that one asap.
Southern California is my version of hell. To put it quite honestly, I loathe that place. Flying into it is like flying into depression itself. There is nothing but concrete for the last twenty minutes of the flight. When I hear people say that it's beautiful, I'm honestly sitting there saying to myself, 'Where!?' Every single surface has been maimed, tainted, and destroyed by humanity and their ever continuing quest to conquer, destroy, and change. I hate what Californians have done to that place. It is so bad that you can almost hear the earth begging, pleading for someone to allow it to breathe under the weight of all that stone... Why would anyone want to live there!?
When I think of beauty, I think of the rolling hills of eastern Kansas. I think of the grass that stretches for miles and miles. I think of how it ices over in the winter and it looks like fields of crystals sparkling in the sunlight. That is beautiful to me. Not concrete and fences, and buildings...
Quite honestly, I don't belong in SoCal. I spent the majority of last week with nothing to say. I always teach my children that if they don't have anything nice to say, then they should say nothing at all. So I didn't. I was present, but silent. I just have nothing to contribute to that realm of whateverism where everything is superficial, inconsistent, fake, and entirely self focused. No one really helps anyone else, and everyone is hell bent on pushing, enforcing, and staying neatly confined in their version of life and events. Quite honestly, everything is all about self in SoCal.
And my family? They're exactly like the environment they live in. I don't relate to them at all. I don't know them. I have no connection other than the blood that flows in our veins. I am nothing like them. Sure, we have mediocre similarities that tend to occur when you grow up in the same environment, but beyond that... I see no similarities. What I value, they don't. What I believe in doing, they don't. What I stand for, they oppose. Complete opposites. It's so bad that I can't even communicate when they're around. What's the point? Why would I want to waste my breath, thoughts, and emotion on people who aren't interested in really changing anything, but are just resigned to mediocrity and self indulgement? It's like being an addict. My life sucks so I'll hook onto the latest thing that give me some momentary feeling of satisfaction and contentment, until that high fades and I have to find something else.
It's a bit sad when you step back and look at it as a whole.
Do you know that only one person in my family asked about my husband the entire eight days I was there? Only one. My dad. That's it.
Walls are so meaningless and pointless. I hated them when I had them for so many years as a child. I constantly felt stifled and abandoned. Truth is, I don't know how to shine, or be myself, around my family. Why would I? I have consistently been unaccepted. I have always been different.
If I'm honest, SoCal always leaves me saying to myself, "Is anyone really happy there?" I have yet to meet one person who really is...
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