I'm sitting here emotionally depleted baby. I feel lost in a crowded brain. I feel like all these voices are screaming in my mind and I don't have you here to come and find me. I don't have you here to touch me and bring me back to reality.

As I wrote that my screwed up brain traveled to your face, in particular your dark brown eyes and your smile and I felt something stirring in my chest. I felt warm for the moment that images was stained in my mind.

Did you know that the house feels so different without you here? Did you know that I won't touch your sweatshirt, or your shoes. Do you know that the flag you wore on your shoulder is often found in my clenched fists when I don't know what else to do with myself? Did I mention that the craziest things randomly send me into waterfalls? I stumbled across your keys while looking for something and I swore that it was almost as if just a second ago you had placed them there. When my mind goes to those thoughts, it always eventually travels to the one where what if you don't ever touch them again? What if you don't ever touch me again? Remember that day when I was so upset with you? I know you wanted to swear the crap out of me, and scream at me up and down, and I'm grateful that your pride kept you from doing it. I'm grateful that the embarrassment of screaming at me prevented you from doing it. I think it baffled me a bit. I think I expected it, and was waiting for it to come.

I'm struggling with this. I need you to give me grace. I need you to support me. I'm trying and it's hard. Will you please help me?


I came running out of the ice cloud that I had buried myself in. I came running as fast as I could, because you asked me to.