chains, tanks, and Jesus

The quiet comes at a random moment and I find my head going immediately to you. My hand drops down from my chin to that gold chain dangling around my neck. I look down and that tiny white gold tank is staring right at me. Hidden behind it is the diamond cross necklace that you gave me on a valentine's day oh so many years ago. Two things that seem so counter intuitive: weapons and Jesus.

I wish I could say I hate you. I wish I could sit here with tear stained cheeks and say what an asshole you are for doing this to me. But the truth of the situation is, that is impossible for me to do. How can I hate what I love more than life itself? How can I hate the person who fills my days with laughter, whether in person or in memory? How can I shun the person who tells me cheesy come on lines, and still makes me feel like the most freaking beautiful girl in the room every time you are with me? How can I take the volcano of emotions that are bubbling under the surface of my humanity and turn them into rage, when all they want to do is shoot across the world and shower you with the ash of our exploding love?

When I close my eyes tight enough, I can remember the ghost of your silhouette sitting next to me on the couch. My legs draped across yours, and my head on your chest. Your left arm wrapped around me and your kisses on my forehead... I can remember the feeling of your hands on my skin, or your fingers laced in mine.

I miss kissing you. I miss interrupting your talking tirades with kisses and then dropping to the floor in laughter because you always say something along the lines of "Okay! I get it! I'll be quiet!"

I miss the booty dance. I miss the fact that it's my secret thing that you do. I miss the expression that washes over your face when you are pondering just how loved you are. I love how your mouth curls into this way that I don't know how to describe.

I love your ten year long quest to find the one place where I am ticklish, and the fact that you still haven't found it!

I love how you protect me. I love that I can hide behind you and that you are enough of a man to stand tall, and defend this chicken. I love that you don't give a crap about who is coming at you in regards to me. I love that you are the only man I have ever really seen, and the fact that you are mine baffles me.

Did I ever tell you that I feel closer to you when I am at mass? I feel like the time and distance between us fades away, because it is you and me and Christ, and everything else fades away. It's my favorite place to be.

It's funny what a little necklace will do to your girl.