During this time the lobster and I did not live under the same roof. There was a period of complete silence between us. We didn't say anything to each other at all. I think we were festering. Or maybe we were questioning. I can't speak for him. I can speak for myself. Every single day was an ongoing argument over what to do...Do I leave him? Do we get divorced? How can anything ever get better? What do you want me to do God?
I do not believe in asking God for signs. Truthfully I think it's wicked and selfish, in almost all circumstances, and completely displays a lack of faith and trust in Him. However, there was one night, where I asked Him for one. You see, the hurt I held in my soul was so much bigger than anything I'd ever experienced. The dread I carried around was heavier than anything I'd ever held. I needed a sign, I needed something to tell me if I should have stayed or if I should have gone.
The lobster called me because he had to pick up some gear. I don't remember why, but he had to come and get it extremely late at night. He asked if I would mind if he slept on the couch and then left for work in the morning. I said that I didn't mind. He planned to get there, crash, and then leave before I was awake.
I don't know what compelled me to do it, but I made up a bed for him. I blew up our air mattress, put sheets and blankets on it. I got him pillows and set everything up for him to have a good night's rest. I will tell you that even in that moment, the amount of anger I felt was astounding and there was nothing other than God that would have caused me to do anything kind for him.
I went to bed at my normal time, and the lobster hadn't arrived yet. This night I was particularly devastated. I was tired of waiting and wondering. I needed to know if I should give up and move on, or wait. I didn't believe it possible for miracles to come. I had nothing to hold onto. So in a moment of insanity, I prayed "God, I need you to show me if my marriage is going to end or not. So if it will all end up okay, please have him come in here and tell me goodnight. If not, then I will know that it's over." With that I went to "sleep."
I heard the lobster come into the house. I heard him get ready for bed, and I heard him climb into the bed that I had made and turn off the lights. I wept. I cried so hard. There was my answer. It was over. He didn't say goodnight. I sobbed silently. I literally made no sound. I was crying so hard that it was impossible to make one. I will tell you that the agony was so intense that I literally withdrew from reality. I couldn't hear, I couldn't smell, I couldn't see. I was devastated beyond belief.
And then I felt his lips on my forehead and I heard him saying goodnight. I never heard him get out of the air mattress, or heard him open our bedroom door. I just felt his lips on my forehead and heard him saying "goodnight". The reaction was instantaneous. It was impulsive, reflexive, necessary. My arms wrapped around him tighter than they had in months. Tears were pouring out of my eyes. My whole body merged itself to him. He collapsed into our bed and we just laid there. In that moment, all of the hurt, all of the torment, all of the pain wasn't in between us. In that moment we were just two incredibly broken people hugging each other after what felt like a lifetime of being apart. We spent that whole night crying and cuddling. We didn't even talk. We just cried. In that moment I had my answer: wait. It was all going to be okay, but I had to wait.
Waiting I did. It took a lot more months before things got to where they are now. It took miraculous healing, on both of our parts, and beautiful moments of rebirth. But I will tell you that night saved me. It was clear cut. It was precise. It was simple.
As hard as that time of our lives was, that night is ranked high among my list of favorite moments with the lobster. That was the moment where God became the clear commander of our ship, and the world's opinions, directions and stupid advice were put on the back burner.
The lobster told me later that he had no intention of coming in there. He said he thought I was asleep and didn't want to bother me by waking me up. He said he had no idea I was crying. He laid down and tried to go to sleep. He said that something inside of himself compelled him to go and say goodnight to me. He said that he couldn't ignore it and it was keeping him awake, so he went and did it. He said he intentionally tried to be as quiet as possible so that he wouldn't wake me up.
That night I asked God for a sign, and He gave me a miracle.
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