There is a statement that seems to immediately cut through the bullshit that I wrap myself in every day. I have come to learn that stress is very similar to a winter coat. We grow it, we nurture it, we take care of it, and we allow ourselves to be overheated and overworked because of its existence. I will just say though, that even though I know this, I am completely overstressed. I am emotionally exhausted. Yesterday was one of those ugly days that inevitably rears its head during a "dreaded d" (stolen from Ms. GM). Now I am the kind of person that needs to wallow. I need to dive into the festering, ugly, muddy, sticky mess that those days are. I need to immerse myself in it, analyze it, process it, and then move on. Or else, discover what will help me to move on and then figure out a way to get that.
So anyway, the statement that cuts through is "Hey baby!" If you know me, you probably know that there is very little about my personality that would ever allow itself to be anyone's "baby". However, there is one voice that makes that statement and that one voice cuts through the dark clouds that often times follow me around when he isn't home at night, and that one voice raises the sun, melts the frost, and causes the flowers to bloom again.
After having gone a month without a decent conversation with my husband, I was a bit, um, shall we say, crazy? Yes, I know that one month of no communication is nothing in the grand scheme of things. I have gone considerably longer than that without hearing his voice, or having an email, or any written word from him (thank you ground war invasion to Iraq...). I know that being able to talk to him at all is a beautiful gift (that will not be long lasting this time around), and I should not take it for granted. I completely agree. However this past month has been a tester of all things stressful. The kind of stressful things that keep me awake at night worrying and wondering and trying to figure out how to solve them.
I was telling a friend of mine yesterday that when I'm worrying, the Lobster knows that I don't sleep. And he'll do something like tell me "Just lay here and listen to my heart beat." He knows that things like that clear the fog of stress out of my head and help me to fall asleep. One of the lobster-isms that help to keep me grounded in reality. I miss those things.
I have so little to complain about. My husband is alive. He is breathing. He is praying for me, leading me, and helping me in the ways that he can. My husband is crazy in love with me. I am crazy in love with him. My children aren't in the hospital. They aren't having nervous breakdowns. I have a home to live in. I have a car to drive. I have health insurance. My husband has a paycheck to pay the bills. I have a rear detachment team that is amazing and SO helpful and supportive (which as Army spouses know, this is incredibly significant). I am so blessed. I have so much more than the average individual, and I try to focus on those things. Life is too short to be focused on misery all the time. I completely believe that.
On the flip side of that, I have a lot to complain about as well. I have a child losing her sight. I have an autistic, self injuring child. I have a husband who is back in a country that I thought we were done with. I have a year ahead of probably not hearing from him often (if at all). I am staring down the possibility that he just might not come back at all, and everything that we have "planned" and hoped for might change. I spend hours each day trying to help people that are often times never satisfied and quick to point out what I'm not getting done "right". I know I have reasons to feel sorry for myself.
If I'm honest, my stress level is maxed. It just is. It is what it is. I know it's something I say a lot, but it's really the truth. I am over stressed. I am over worked. I am going to burn out quickly if something doesn't change. I also know, though, that I am the only person who can change it.
Okay, so essentially the point is this, today I got to unload all of the baggage that I've been carrying around on the Lobster. Yesterday when I only got ten minutes with him on the internet (mind you this was a ten minute typing conversation where everything is delayed and five of it was spent on figuring out problems with his computer), I started crying and I told him that I just need to talk to him. So he tried to make it so that today I would get to talk to him in the way that I need to. When he said, "Hey baby" I knew that relief was on its way. I said, "I am just SO stressed out! I am SO sad!" He said, "Lay it on me. Tell me what's going on."
You know that moment in superhero movies when the hero makes that totally cliche, irritating comment like "Don't worry. I'm here to help!" and then the girls are all swooning and sighing while the hero saves the day? That's my husband in my world. When he is there to talk to me, and letting me vent, I know that he will give me what it is that I need. I know that he'll listen, or he'll tell me what to do, or he'll pop in that one Lobster-ism that just fixes it all and makes everything so much better. Today was no different. I went on a tirade for 20 minutes. This and that, that and this, on and on, etc etc. At the end of it all, the person who is the stronger of the two, took all of the baggage I've been carrying around, and said, "It's okay now. I'm here to help." and I sighed and swooned and all was right in my world.
So today started off emotional and stressful, but here I am, smiling ear-to-ear, feeling so peaceful. Today I am back to being Lois Lane because my Superman has got me in his arms and the world isn't so scary anymore.
"Hey baby!" knows just how to cut through the bullshit and get right to the point of what I need. I am so thankful for that.
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