hodge podge

I have a lot of people in my life that make bold statements. Sometimes I think they do it for shock value. They'll say things like: A certain kind of music is evil. They'll make some huge argument about it, or against it, or for it, and then you'll end up feeling slightly judged and defeated. Fast forward ten weeks and then they're telling you that the very thing they were making you feel so awful about, is their favorite kind of music!

There was a time in my life when this would've made me angry. I would have come to the conclusion that these people were falsely representing themselves, and it would have bothered me to the point of breaking off the relationship. Now I don't know if I'm just getting older or if my perspectives are changing, but I am coming to see this differently.

I think that people present what they want to be true about themselves, a lot online. People tend to view themselves through rose colored glasses. We portray within ourselves what we want to be seen, not necessarily what is. Sometimes this works in positive ways, and sometimes negative. I have come to understand that the truth about who you really are, is on some distant point between where you want to be, are afraid you are, and where others see you at.

Enter rabbit trail:

I have very few people in my life that I genuinely love. Not love in the generic form of that term, I'm talking love in the context that I love talking to them, being around them, arguing with them, supporting them, cheering them up, encouraging them, and pouring myself out to them. To be honest with you, there are currently four people in my life that I feel that way about. Those four people make my days brighter when I talk with them, make my heart swell with joy when they're having a good day, ignite my fighting spirit when someone is hurting them, break my heart with theirs when they're suffering, and are causing me to change. They are like the gravitational pull of a planet. They have drawn me to them and they are swinging me around the back side, and launching me out better equipped than I was before. They're also strong enough to keep my feet planted firmly on the ground, especially when my head starts floating me up into the realm of ridiculousness. They are teaching me that love is fierce, but yet beautiful, and they are showing me that learning to give it out is the most amazing experience. They have given me a base from which to jump beyond myself, because I know the safety net will still remain.

Trying to get back on track and make some final point:

Anyway, the basic jist is that I have come to realize that if you want people to know you, to really know you, then it's up to you to make it happen. My own struggle with this, is that I think there are very few people who I really want to know me. I think I am learning that I prefer to keep the majority of my personality hidden. I need to allow myself to be like an onion. Peeling back the layers sure may cause some tearing and some discomfort, but the meat underneath it is worth it. I am learning that exposing myself doesn't make me more valuable, just like sheltering myself doesn't make me more "safe."

I hate the phraseology of self love. I think it's prideful and foolish and irritating. But yet, on the other hand, I am learning that I have something incredibly valuable within myself, simply because I have the ability to love.