Brun

I have an autistic child. This is a fact that is sometimes forgotten within my universe. I must admit, that even I sometimes feel like she is so close to "normal" that I hope that maybe they were wrong or that she has outgrown it. Usually there are little things that remind me, but I must be honest, that nothing comes close to the moments like what we endured tonight.

She was in the bath and she had to go to the bathroom. She said so, and I said that she would have to get out of the bath and sit on the toilet. "I don't want to mommy." Normal child arguing with her mother, fine. No biggie. She was near having an accident so I turned the water off, and told her to get out. A normal child might throw a tantrum. Usually my children don't, but even still, her persistence in arguing isn't entirely impossible for a four year old. I lifted her out of the bath, and it began. Biting herself, scratching herself, punching herself in the face, slapping herself over and over and over and over. I tried pinning her down, and she is strong enough that she literally bruised me, scratched me, and injured me. I tried wrapping her in a  towel to do a compression hold (this usually works with her), and she pried herself out of it, slipped out of my grasp, and proceeded to bash her head in to our tile floor over and over again, until I was able to grab her off the floor. She was screaming as if she was fighting for her life, but the main person she was injuring was herself. I was finally able to get her pinned down in her bed, under her comforter, with her arms literally pinned under my entire body weight, while she screamed and screamed and screamed. Forty five minutes passed. The lights were off, and my autistic child is bleeding from her scratches, while I do everything I can do within my power to keep her from hurting herself. I tried silence. I tried whispering. I tried singing. Nothing worked.

I was emotionally exhausted by the time she finally quieted down. Finally her illogical reactions ceased and it turned into a heavy cry. I asked her if she was afraid, and she nodded her head. I said who are you afraid of? She said, "Me."

Now, up until this point, I had managed to keep myself from crying. I had maintained a calm disposition because autistic children (and mine in particular) react to emotion. The more upset (or reactive) you are, the worse their behavior becomes. However, when she said that she was afraid of herself, what parent can maintain composure? I was afraid of her too. I was afraid of her hurting herself in a way that couldn't be fixed.

I know I am blessed to have a child who understands as much about her autism as she does. She understands that her brain works differently, and that her circuits seem to go haywire. She understands that she does things that could seriously hurt herself, but that she can't control them. So what do you say to a child who understand that their brain doesn't work like yours and mine? How do you comfort a person who is afraid of herself?

Despite all that I know about how this is out of my control, and how I can't change this in her, I always end up feeling defeated and like a failure when these experiences occur. I always end up feeling like maybe if I'd carried her longer, or she had a better delivery, or she wasn't a multiple, or she wasn't in the NICU so long, or a thousand other "or's" then everything would be different. I always wish I could preempt this type of experience and save her from it. I wish there was some special touch that always worked, or some sound that would work, or some cuddle that could snap her out of it and bring her back.

Perhaps because she understands what has happened in hindsight, maybe she and I can work together to figure out how to prevent this from happening. I have always wondered if they have service dogs to help autistic children. It seems that service dogs can help with so many other things, but does anyone know if they can help with sensory deficient autistic children? I don't know. I suppose it's the only thing that I ever end up thinking about as a solution. I suppose it feels like we've tried everything else.

She is such an amazing child. She truly is a piece of heaven. What I would give to change her circumstance...