Lobster

It's been eight days. I haven't touched your skin in eight days. In the grand scheme of things, eight days is nothing. I've spent incredibly longer without touching your skin, but in this moment, on this night, eight days feels as long as forever.

Everything feels so mundane. The reality of my daily existence continues on whether you come home at night or not. The children still need to be fed, educated, bathed, clothed. The house still needs to be cleaned, cooked in, cared for. The dogs still need to eat... My daily experiences continue on. I'm still mom, home maker, caretaker, giver... 

I find, often times, that the little things are what cause me to miss you the most. Things like watching the movie that came just a few days before you left. Things like having to take it out of the DVD player and put it in the envelope and then walking it to the mailbox. Those things are so minor in the grand scheme of life, however, to this woman, those things are everything. They are simply put, agonizing because you are not here to do them. Isn't it funny how it's like that? Such stupid, silly things, and yet so upsetting and unsettling.

The truth of things is quite simply that I am afraid of being without you. The idea of living in a world where you aren't in it, or where you don't love me, is the most agonizing of all notions. You love me like no other human being has ever even begun to understand how. You understand me, all of the faces and personas that I wear, and you understand why I wear them. You embrace my insanity and my intellectualism and my creativity. You encourage me to go out and pour out love on anyone and everyone that I see who needs it. Your love has set me free.

God knew that I would wait for someone to love me for so many years. God knew that you were the only person who was genuinely, happily, and perfectly capable of doing it. You love me in the most perfect of ways. This is how I know that your love for me comes only from God. Quite honestly, He is the only one who is capable of showing you how to do it. It is because I love Him, that I am able to recognize you for who you are, and to love you with every fiber of my being.

So to go back... to go back to being scrutinized, ignored, taken for granted, controlled, manipulated, demeaned, disrespected, misunderstood, patronized, is a nightmare. To not have your strength and your wisdom and your affection telling me when to stop allowing people to lay their guilt trips on me is terrifying. Quite honestly, you are my strength. I know that so many "christians" would call this heresy, but it's because they don't understand God. God made me for you. He knit me together just for you. While he poured in all of the ingredients of my life, personality, character, and emotion, He knew that He had already made you. He knew that you and I would be joined together as one. He knew that you would be the key that unlocked my hidden away self. 

I am afraid of this world without you in it. I am afraid of not having you here to fight my battles for me, or to give me the courage to fight them myself. I am afraid of not having you here to cheer on, and to confer with. I am afraid of having to make decisions without your wisdom.

I'll be seeing you...