I surrender all

Omens can be a scary thing to believe in. They can mean horrible things, if they're actually real. It's a very evangelical perspective to ignore them. The perspective is very much one of irrelevance. God only spoke to the people in Bible times. He stopped talking after the Bible was finished. He doesn't speak anymore. Anything you think you are hearing from Him, is really only your fears or hopes.

In Catholicism this perspective is completely flipped. God is present here and now. He speaks to us through various experiences: omens, visions, scripture, priests, friends. He is actively here and moving. He is actively talking and doing. He is not silent. He didn't stop talking when scripture was completed.

In regards to this subject, I wish the Catholic church was wrong. I wish that I could believe in the notion that God really has become silent. I wish that there was nothing we could hold onto beyond scripture, despite the fact that scripture specifically states that this is not the case (2 Thess 2.15). I wish I could rewind and go back to my days of scriptural confusion and ignorance. I wish I could undo what God has shown me.

The omens and visions that I have received in the past six months are agonizing. They have broken my heart over and over again. They keep me crying out to God over and over again, begging Him for my interpretation to be wrong. I want them to be false. I don't want them to be true.

So when he says to me that he wants me to remember always how much he makes me laugh... When he says to me that for the first time he is not afraid to die... When he says to me that he has complete peace...

Where do I go if he dies? To whom can I plead my case? When even he has found comfort in this midst of what is truly my version of hell, how can I keep on arguing? How can I keep on resisting? At what point do I find the peace to say, "Your will be done. Not mine. You have given me the greatest gift ever, and if it is Your will to take him to heaven with You, I surrender all."

The lobster told me that he believes God is telling me that I have to let him go. He believes this trial in my life is God challenging me to be like Abraham (not that I compare myself to this amazing spiritual leader...) in the sense that he was willing to sacrifice Isaac. He was willing to lose that which he held so dear.

The trouble is that if it's God's will for the lobster to die, it doesn't matter if I'm willing or not. He will die... God knows that I will never leave or abandon Him. He is my most sacred of treasures. Wild horses couldn't drag me away. He is ultimately all that I have always had, and all good and beautiful gifts in my life are direct results of His generosity.

So where am I in the mess of all of this? My body feels numb and my heart feels weak. Faith is all that keeps me standing. Because truthfully, I know, that regardless of what comes my way, I am not now, nor will I ever be, forsaken.