sleeplessness

For some reason I can't sleep. I really don't know why that is, especially since I'm exhausted. I kind of feel like talking but I don't really have anything of importance to say. It's not like I have some grand conversation that I feel like elaborating on.

Some things came up today in a meeting that have sort of irked me. They've irked me, but also made me feel slightly paranoid, and I don't want either. I wish the lobster was around to be my sounding board. I wish he was here to tell me if it's something I should worry about or something I forget. I really feel quite lost without his direction...

Have you ever wondered if you've made a terrible mistake, accidentally? I mean, have you ever wondered if something that happened with the best of intentions, is going to inevitably be the downfall of your whole life? Have you ever wondered if the action that you inadvertantly, or offhandedly, did or said today, could cause the detriment of those whom you love the most?

Is it possible to love more than one person completely? It is possible to love one person completely at all? I mean, I think I love the lobster completely, but is that really even possible? I love my children enough to die for them, so is that loving someone completely? Can true love really be divided amongst several people? Or does loving the lobster completely mean I can't love my children completely? Or is the collective love of all of them the complete version of love? And what of my friends? Do I love them completely? Or do I not love them at all?

Love is a complicated word. It comes with all sorts of expectations of action and emotion. It comes with strings attached. It always does. If I say I love you, then my love is attached to my strings of my own version of how to display that love.

Truthfully, I don't know how to love half hazardly. To me love is pretty much all in or all out. Either you love all the way or you don't. Now, yes, I would agree that there are those you love all the way, with some limits placed on it. For example, I love my friends. I really do. I would give anything within my power to give. I would bend over backwards to cheer them up, offer a hand, encourage them, etc etc. However, should the lobster require me, I would always choose him. It's just par for the course. The one who gave me my last name always trumps everything else.

Wow... This is the stuff bouncing around in my head in the middle of the night. It feels like I'll do anything to keep my mind focused on anything but what it's really focused on. Ugh.

I suppose it's back to counting sheep for me...