Lobster

Truth is it feels like you're fading out of our home too quickly. Washing your clothes and putting them away is disheartening. Seeing your closet filled up and knowing that none of those clothes will be worn is heartbreaking. Putting your last pair of socks away was silencing.

I washed your camelbak today. The one you drank from before you left here. It was strangely painful. I'm sure that everyone else around me would think that I'm insane. I don't like the idea of you not dirtying anymore of our dishes...

I will admit that I am surprising myself. I thought I'd feel so differently than I do. I thought I'd be disintegrating more than I am. Especially based on the evidence of how I was before... Truth is, there are about two hands worth of things and people that I care about right now. All of them are connected to you. Everything else...

I don't have anything to give. I know that people want me to. I know that they expect me to just get over it and snap out of it and just be what they always are used to me being: supportive, compassionate, caring. I just don't give a shit. I'm not interested in playing family politics, and pretending to care about an event that at this moment I don't care about. I don't have the emotional fortitude to go along with the facade that they actually care about me. I am always amazed at how revealing deployments are... The people you thought were your best friends, the family you thought were your greatest supporters, the people you thought didn't really care about you...

I am incredibly angry. I have never felt so abandoned by the people I have poured the largest amount of my emotions into. I am embarrassed. I am ashamed that I have spent so many hours defending them to you. I am humiliated that you so wisely have said time and time again that they rarely show any thought or affection for me, but I give and I give and I give and I give, and am abused and abused and taken for granted. I always thought you were wrong.

God I wish you were here.

You have no idea what doing the dishes was like. It was a mess. Really. I had to stop a few times just to collect myself. Isn't it strange how the most random of circumstances trigger intense emotional outbursts?

I dreamt about you last night. I didn't want to wake up.

Tomorrow will be our first day at church without you. I actually wish I could be there now. I wish I could sleep there. I wish I could immerse myself in that place. For some reason in that building, near that altar, I feel safe. I feel protected from the horrors of what are before me. I feel like reality can fade away, and all the other nonsense disappears.

Can't wait to hear your voice. I love you. I'll be seeing you.