Dear Sirs,
Let me just lay a couple of things out on the table for your understanding. We (Army wives) know that your job requires you to go away. We are aware that you have to deploy for your job, that you don't want to go. We really are quite intellectually capable of processing this information. I promise!
Let me just give a tip to you newbie deploying soldiers (and if this is your first married deployment, then you're a newbie). When your wife is crying because she is going to miss you...DO NOT say to her, "I have to go. It's my job." (All Army wives are collectively nodding their heads in agreement, probably giving out a "mmm hm!" and shaking their heads.) It is the WORST possible statement to ever tell your wife in that moment. Please also do not assume that she cannot handle your deployment, doesn't trust that God will take care of you, or is disintegrating before your very eyes. Let me announce something to you that perhaps you have never thought of: if she isn't crying, then you have something to be concerned about. Seriously. If I start to get emotional about my lobster leaving me for 365 DAYS (you really have to shout that amount and say it in a movie announcer voice in order to get the full effect), and I stop myself, in my head, and say: "Don't cry. It's his job! God is going to take care of him. I am Army strong!" and then proceed to never shed a single tear... I promise you that in a matter of a few days, he will seriously believe I no longer love him.
To be honest, you want us to cry, you need us to cry. It's sort of like your counterpart releasing her emotions on both of your behalves, and it also reminds you that we love you very much. What I wish that you could make me understand is this: why do you all say all the wrong things when we're crying? Let me just tell you this, because it is so simple and not complicated at all. When your wife cries, you hold her, kiss her, dry her eyes, hand her a tissue (Why is this critical step almost always missed by dudes? When girls are around each other, we also hand out tissues. It's almost like instinct!) and tell her over and over again "I will miss you too. I don't want to leave you! I have no idea how I will get through this year. This sucks." That's it. You don't have to remind her it's your job (TRUST me, the wonderful Army does not allow her to forget what your job is), or that God has you all in His capable hands.
Please also acknowledge that her suffering is real. Her agony is intense. You have no idea the amount of strength it takes to be here while you're there. She is angry, she is helpless, she is hurt and she is scared, and those feelings fluctuate based on her current moment, her current feelings and whether or not she is processing your deployment. You have a real opportunity here to stand up and be her man. Do you realize that? Stop feeling guilty for leaving. It doesn't help her and it doesn't help you. Stop being mad at her for her emotions. Again, it doesn't change the situation you're both in, together, even though you'll be worlds apart.
Please use caution when making statements like: "I want to deploy." To be honest, I always only hear those words from the mouths of fellas who have never deployed, or who hate their marriages and want to get away (with only one exception... KK). Even if you are eager to "do your job", do not say it in front of your wife. You know why? This is what we hear: "I can't wait to get away from you!" Seriously.
For those of you who also have children, just think on this: if you have ever spent 24, 48, 72 hours or more with your spouse gone and you all alone with your children... are you realizing the mountain that she is facing? I went out of town for a weekend and left our four kids with their pops (my grandma died). He literally almost fell apart. I kid you not. My house was a disaster, no laundry was completed, the kitchen was a mess (and I have no idea how that occurred since they did nothing but eat out), and he seemed to be on the verge of a nervous breakdown by the time I got back. His first words to me, I believe were "Do not ever leave me again." Sure, he said it with a smile, but still! It drove the point home, being at home with children alone, is extremely difficult. Your wives have even GREATER justification for bawling their eyes out at random moments. You just need to stick to your party line, "I will miss you too. This will be so hard. I have no idea how I am going to get through this year away from you." That's what she needs.
Finally, allow her to be your support too. Even if you are eager to deploy, and excited about doing your job, you do have moments where you get scared, or you feel sad. If you don't then you're either a liar or inhuman, and neither of those are wonderful options. Lean on your wife. Give her the opportunity to comfort you. Allow her to hold you too. I promise you that we are not SO weak that we can't put on our big girl panties and comfort you with the same sayings that we need from you when we're upset. Let us hold you, and if you feel like crying then do it! It helps us to see that it hurts you to be away from us.
So this is my advice for those of us who will soon be saying goodbye. You're going to fight. You're going to cry. It's going to be ugly. Just remember, you're feeling all of these ugly feelings because you love each other. In closing, absence really does make the heart grow fonder, and you will survive this. These are just some lessons my lobster and I have learned throughout our four deployments together. I am not really excited about number five coming up. :-/
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