I am sitting here on a beautiful afternoon. The weather outside is amazing. There is a gentle breeze... The sun is shining through the sheer curtains to my right. It's almost like feeling radiance on your skin. To just stop and stay still enough to experience the beauty of the sun... this is something that I struggle with doing. I am often moving at a thousand miles a moment. It is rare when I get to sit still and just talk to someone for moments without interruptions.
Today I feel almost eager. I want to climb out of my skin and experience so much that is beyond my capability. I often feel trapped in the confines of my circumstance. Not in the circumstance of being married or a mother. I am talking about human existence. There is so much beauty that surrounds us. We are often distracted, or embarrassed, or discontented to such a point that we don't notice it. Many times we spend a thousand hours with questions and situations where we simply can NOT know with certainty the answers. We are distracted by our fleshly ability to barely experience moments. I want to throw off those inhibitions. I want to be able to sit in a car with my children, waiting on whatever it is that is to come, and enjoy the beauty of that moment. I want to sit and talk to someone for two hours about theology and grow and be challenged and cherish the beauty of that experience. I want to sit here in this room enjoying the breeze as it blows through my curtains, and the feeling of sunlight on my skin. I want to relish in it. I want to cherish it.
So tell me...why do I feel so guilty when I sit still?
Because capitalism demands constant motion, constant productivity. But you get to decide what you want to produce. If it is happiness and fulfillment, then being still IS being productive. Don't feel guilty, it's a blessing to be able to appreciate stillness.
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