silence

I don't usually invite the lobster into my Army Wives program watching. It often times is filled with his criticisms his critiques and on and on.
"The uniform doesn't look like that!"
My response: "We have already established they can't legally wear the correct uniform."
"She wouldn't do that job." 
"She can't wear that combat patch."
This goes on and on and on and on. I usually get so annoyed that I either turn it off or miss half of the show. I have been slightly keeping up with what is going on in the current season of AW and I know someone dies. It might not be one of the main characters, I don't know. I have my own theories, but that's all they are...theories. Because I know a funeral is on the menu, I want to get through the current season I am watching, and the new season before the lobster deploys. Call it an emotional need.

Last night we watched an episode together. It was a sad one. The episode was about all of the ladies saying goodbye to their husbands as they deploy to Afghanistan. Since my family's deployment is so close on the horizon it was emotional. The night before is agonizing. The morning of is painful. The letting go hurts. Needless to say, I was heavily sobbing. We were not in the casual sniffle and tear mode folks. We were in the clothes are wet with tears, heavy sobbing place.

A couple of things struck me while in this frame of mind. First off, the lobster handed me a box of kleenex. To write this now, makes me laugh. He just gets certain things about me. I find it funny how a box of tissues can make someone paid attention to and loved. Secondly, he didn't nit pick the episode that much. He did a little in the beginning. As it got to the goodbye part, he was mostly quiet. I know he did this for me. I know he was still, in his mind, critiquing the uniforms and on and on. Thirdly, when the episode ended and I needed to just sit in silence and sort of ponder things, he didn't try to interrupt my thoughts with words. He just sat in silence with me.

I am not a panicky, freak out about deployments, kind of gal. I do grieve though. It does hurt. It has never been my norm to think fatalistic thoughts or to have dramatic thoughts. In all of our previous deployments, it has always been the goodbye part that has been hard. There is a process to this whole thing. The Army has labelled them the 7 steps. I suppose I don't feel the need to label them. It is what it is. You know? There is no way around the situation...it hurts.

My mindset this morning is strange. I know the heartache is heading my way. I know the goodbye is going to come. It doesn't really matter what I want at this point. It is what it is. Last night it felt good to just be silent and close. I am thankful for that.