It has been a difficult day. I am sitting here staring at a runway... It will soon be my runway.
"Hold on to him tightly tonight. It goes by so fast."
My heart is heavy, my mind is frustrated, my... I don't even know anymore. I feel almost like ripping my hair out. I feel so aggravated and irritated. I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs, or punching someone in the face or I don't even know what else.
It is rare when I have little words. I feel horrible that I am so sick of this. I want to feel differently. I usually do. I am just so tired of the BS that comes with the every day aspects of living this life. I am sick of the goodbyes, the inconsistencies, the insane amounts of deployments, the extreme difficulty with making and maintaining friends, the missing of so many beautiful family moments.
Why does every thing have to have a meaning? Can goodbye's just sucks without some ulterior heavenly purpose? I mean, is God really sitting in heaven, or in our hearts, or wherever, just pulling the strings of our day to day experience? I have heard time and time again that God doesn't care about our happiness, but rather that He cares about our sanctification...am I really so pigheaded that my husband has to deploy five times with out any gratitude on part of the stupid organization which constantly takes him away? Why?
Why did I have to be alone while my three year old son coded in my arms? Why did I have to be alone when my daughter's kidneys shut down from the swine flu? Why did I have to be alone through countless stomach flu's, countless lung infections, endless hospitalizations, and on and on and on? Why does my life have to hurt so freaking much?
I don't feel any more sanctified. In truth, I feel more alone that I think I have ever felt. I feel like He gets to come in here and confuse the crap out of me and leave me hanging in the balance and then completely change the equation. I feel like He has left me alone, or created me to hurt, or whatever.
I know from a logical perspective that these things are not so simple. I am not talking about knowledge, or belief. I am talking about emotion. Real, uncomfortable, undefinable, human emotion.
I just feel drained. I feel like I don't have any fight left in me. I feel like I am standing at the bottom of a really big deal. I feel weak and broken. I feel like the most immeasurable amount of heartache is heading my way like the speed of sound. What will I do when it hits me?
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