Soon the giver of my last name is going to go away and he will be very far away for a long time. I will miss him agonizingly so. It will be painful. I will cry. I will be angry. I will be frustrated. I will feel helpless. I will probably write some angry, waterfall-sobbing, unhappy blog posts. I will probably spend a lot of time on the phone reaching out to those that I know will support me. I will have difficult nights, extremely long days, exhausting experiences and on and on. I wish to convey with the greatest level of capacity within myself that I. will. be. okay.
I will get through this entire experience. I will survive. I will endure. I will laugh sometimes. I will cry sometimes. I will be lonely. I will be comforted. I will worry. I will feel secure. I will be afraid. My faith will be tested and it will grow. I will have wonderful opportunities that I would shoot down if he was here. Doors will open. Others will close. I. will. be. okay.
The last time my lobster left, was very different from this one. To be perfectly honest, I felt extremely alone. I had "friends" but none that I deeply related to or connected with. You see, despite my cheery demeanor, I am exceptionally picky about those people that I desire to spend an enormous amount of time with. I'm even pickier about who I will be vulnerable around. You have no idea how many of my dear friends have never seen me cry. I am just that uptight about my emotions. I would also rather be the one cheering people up than the one in need of it. You have no idea how many people have been in my life for a long time and don't know that much about me. I have trust issues. I accept it. I recognize it. I live with it. I also have a lot of pretty good reasons for being this way. I would also like to point out that even Christ had an inner circle. He loved all, gave to all, but only a select few were a part of his support system.
You had to know that when I started writing this post, there was a purpose behind it. You had to assume there was a "but" that was going to come in here somewhere. Especially when you consider how horrifically angry my last post was. Well here is my "but"...the tripod.
I am a member of a group of three, and I have collectively named our friendship the tripod. I have never had friends like this. To be perfectly honest, I really genuinely love them. I love them so much that when I start to think about it, I get emotional and teary. For those of you who know me well (or at least have for a long time) you realize how utterly shocking this is. I hug them! I'm serious! Without prompting! It's amazing! They are so encouraging. So often on a horrible day, or an angry day, or a whatever day, we all get together and it just fades away. I forget what I was upset about, or I vent and release it, and then I go home feeling so much better. They love Jesus. Not just in a superficial, "yeah, I like him" kind of way. No. They really love Him and want to grow and be more like Him every day. They love their husbands. In the same way that I love mine. Desperately, deeply, and intensely. Their husbands love them the same way that mine does. The six of us (tripods, plus spouses) are ALL friends! Not in a "I accept your friend's husband because it's important to you" kind of way, but in a way that the three of them really enjoy each others company! Even when us girls are not around! As much as I love each of them and think about them and pray for them and want to help them, it is equally reciprocated. There is no feeling like I'm doing everything or all the giving and they're just takers. No. They think about me. They help me. They are there for me. We are all parenting very similarly. And I actually like their children! I like being around them. I like my children being around them. They are my village. They are my "family" here.
Do you have any idea how exceptionally rare this is!? It is all entirely God. Seriously. To have a group of three without anyone feeling like the odd wheel or left out is so rare. To have our husbands all like each other equally is also rare. To have us all like the others' kids and want to be around them is also rare. To all live near each other is rare. To have two girlfriends who don't gossip and who are NOT negative central is rare. To all get along, to all support, to all have the same faith, to all be a part of the Army, it's just so mind boggling that I don't have words.
I know that whatever comes from this deployment will be okay. I know that when I have the ugly cries (that always come) and when I have the sad moments, it will be okay. I am not alone. Me and my tripod will make it through this together. I wish I could describe to you what this means to me, how comforted my heart is. I am more thankful for them than I have words to say. I really love them. Deeply. As we each go through our unique challenges of the next year (two of our hubsters deployed, and one doing basically non stop field training) will be hard. But we'll be all right. In a tripod, all three legs lean on each other to hold themselves up, but are ultimately held together by a connecting force. Christ holds us together, and through leaning on each other, none of us will fall.
Love you BK and DF. And I am totally crying now. I hope you're satisfied. haha
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