here comes little angry me.

note: I am a human being and I do experience anger. I was venting emotions that I needed to vent. I will always honor, support, and encourage my soldier in whatever it is that he's doing. I admit I am impulsive and weak-willed. My soldier knows that there is no individual who supports him more than I. Last night was a difficult night with some things that came up. I will always support my soldier, the Army, and the unit he is serving with. I know, that all things have a reason and purpose behind them, even if I don't agree with them at the time. Our soldiers' Chains of Command work hard to protect, consider, support, develop, fight for, fight with, and train up our soldiers. However, they do make stupid decisions sometimes...that's all I'm saying.

I think I just might be done. I think I am almost to the point of quitting. I think I could very well end up being one of those ultimatum giving wives...I think I just might tell him it's over.

I'm just over this life. I'm sick of goodbyes. I'm tired of crying children. I am tired of more and more days and moments where my kids don't get to say goodnight to him. I am sick of a freaking job where they refuse to promote him with no explanations, no 'work on this' statements, nothing. Just...nope. You're not ready. When asked why, they fumble around with a bunch of stupid um...uh...er...you should know why answers. I'm over it.

Five freaking times. I have stood by, waited patiently, held down the homefront, supported, wrote letters, sent care packages, led FRG's, been BN funds custodian, Co led FRG's, won countless awards for 'supporting the FRG and my soldier' and on and on. I am just over it. I have prayed, I have fought, I have cried, I have surrendered, I have given more than I even know how to describe. I gave up dreams. I gave up hopes. I walked away...I. am. tired.

It's an agonizing conflict within myself. Because I feel this resentment developing. I am so angry. I am so angry that I went to bed angry and woke up angry. I can't stand that. I am so sick and tired of doing everything alone. I am sick of not being able to make plans, barely being able to prepare my children of whats ahead. I am tired of plans changing with a "oops...my bad" response. Yes cell phones, no cell phones, yes cell phones, no cell phones and on and on with the vicious cycle. You'd better buy phone cards if you want to talk to your family, but oh wait, we're going to take away about $400 of your pay too. It's all good, private, with a wife and a couple of kids. Don't worry.  The Army's  got your back. The Army will take care of you. Really!? They can barely pay their bills as it is...so what's the solution? Ask the Chaplains for food vouchers. Go get an AER loan...wow. Wow. What a wonderful solution. Or your other alternative is to not speak to your children for a freaking month. Especially when time is short and goodbye's are on the horizon. And lets be honest, for some people, it is possible those goodbyes will be permanent. We can't live in denial like it isn't possible that some people could die. Or get hurt and come home insane.

I know I have to surrender. I know I have to throw up my freaking hands and just say screw it. I know I have to roll with the punches and just deal. I know that. And I know I will. I am just so tired of stupidity. I am so sick of people not thinking things clearly. I know that if I voiced these perspectives what I'd be met with, "We are doing this to 'train'". Excuse me while I call that BS. That isn't 'training'. If it's really about training, then pay your families all of the extra bonuses we get while deployed, so that they can afford those ridiculous phone cards. Provide internet access, so that the soldiers can skype with their kids. Come on.

I am so sick of this nonsense. I am so sickened when I have wives already freaking out about not being able to pay their bills, or feed themselves. I fear not for myself. We can afford it (which has stemmed from a vast amount of planning, and preparation, in having dealt with the army for ten years). The alternative is no communication? Really? That's the alternative? You're about to say goodbye for a year, and four weeks, quite frankly, is a big deal.

I was so upset last night by a phone call that I literally couldn't talk. I got to church and I just had to pray and pray and pray. Cry and pray. Pray and cry. Life is always about control on some level. It's always about learning to surrender it and learning to let it go. I know that this is my lesson in the midst of this life. I know that God will never give up on teaching it to me until I have it down so jam packed that it's no longer an issue. I realize that.

I just don't feel like doing this today. I am so tired.