There are moments when I wonder what it must be like for you to be married to me. I wonder how many times you've swallowed your pride, and let my ego, my need for defeat, my overbearing personality crush you. I wonder how many times you've wanted to sucker punch me with words the way that I've done to you. I wonder how many times you've laid in bed wondering what the hell you were thinking when you married me. I wonder how many times you wished to get your freedom back and unchain yourself from this melody.

Does it bother you that I tell jokes all the time? Do you ever wish I was more quiet, less ridiculous, better and not asking questions? Do you ever wish I was someone else?

When I honestly assess things, I truthfully have no idea why this boy from BFE fell in love with a city girl from LA with nothing but attitude, a rebellious side, trapped in a deeply religious spirit. I was egotistical, self centered, hell bent on my own plans. What the hell did you see in me?

I have never been the pretty girl. That's not to say that I'm fugly, I don't think I am, I'm just saying, I've never been the girl that the fellas walk by, double take, and say "Oh my gosh I. must. have!" I just haven't been. I was the one that people sort of loved very gradually. I inched my way into people's hearts slowly. I never had anyone suddenly need me, throwing all caution to the wind. I knew I wasn't a 10, but I knew I was funny, and I knew I was smart.

The thing is, you didn't care. In your beautiful brain I was a 10. It didn't make any sense to me, and truthfully it still doesn't. What on earth do you see in me?

I think it's funny that when we got married, both of our families "warned" us about the other. I think it's sad, to be honest. I think it goes to show how little they know either of us. As if your temper, and my ego, were the front and center aspects of our personalities. They're so minor in regards to us. They are almost nothing on the scales of who we are. But yet so many people are blinded, overwhelmed and completely focused on them.

The truth is, I didn't believe you were possible. I didn't believe a person who loved me like you do, existed. I didn't believe there was someone strong enough to be my man. I didn't believe that a man existed who was capable of turning my crazy into something normal, or at least sticking around for long enough for God to do it. I didn't believe that someone existed who was capable of loving me at all. Love was something I was created to give and never to get in return.

When you showed up on my radar I was literally thrust into a movement that was going faster than I knew how to process. I had always been the one in control. I had always been the one pulling the puppet strings. I had always had an escape clause. I had always been capable of quitting, if I wanted to. But with you, everything clicked. It was perfect, weird, chaotic, uncomfortable, and lovely all at the same time. You were so easy. You were too easy. I suppose when you left and I had all the time in the world to process and psychoanalyze, I jumped ship. I still remember that conversation like it was yesterday. I was scared. Not of you leaving me, or not loving me, but rather I was scared of me not being able to function in your love. I was scared that I couldn't live in anything normal, since it was nothing I had ever known before.

Somehow your love was bigger than my insanity. Somehow it still is. Somehow we ended up married, years later, with four kids, two dogs, a minivan... Somehow, this crazy chick from LA ended up with the greatest experience in the world. Somehow this girl, who never loved anything more than her ability to ditch it, ended up loving someone she had to face the possibility of losing, for the majority of her marriage. Maybe that's the extra special beauty here... We have to keep choosing each other over and over again.

The crazy thing is that I still feel like a girl who just got engaged. I still feel like everything is right before us and my life is about to begin. I still feel excited about every second, every touch, every experience. I still feel like I just met you and the high of knowing you exist is pumping through my veins.

You and I became we. And "we" then became four people, walking around in four little bodies, with "us" in them. Look what our love has done? We produced people! Wow. I mean, wow. I'm literally the luckiest girl in the world.

I love you Chief. Bigger than the whole universe.