Delicious

We live our lives focused on letting go. We let go of our hurts, our childhoods, our parents' failures, our past loves, sometimes our current ones... We live our lives acting on the belief of life's series of farewells. We grow up and say adieu. We get married and say goodbye to our singlehood. We give birth and close the book on selfishness...

I have spent a hundred million hours on trying to let go. I have pondered a world without you. I've lived with your ghost. As I sit here writing this, I am wrapped up in your uniform, your smell, your presence, trying to absorb the lesson.

I think the purpose of life isn't really about letting go, but rather about holding on. Life is about discovering what really matters. Is it love? Is it faith? Is it children and plans? It is a Norman Rockwell picture? Is it the "American dream"? What is it that we're holding on to and why?

For some people, what they hold on to is acceptance. For others it's being loved. For some it's chasing the unobtainable. For some it's conquering, leading, or destroying. For some it's searching through the rubble and finding one person who seeks them out. For some it's being the seeker. For some it's feeding the homeless, fighting for the unborn, playing games in politics.

When I look quietly and calmly at what really matters to me, what matters deep down in the quiet of my screaming, in the depth of my soul, in the beat of my heart, it's you. Everything else is an extension off of that. It isn't the symbol of you, or the idea of you. It isn't the picture that we have painted together, or the wonderful things that you have given to me. It is the beauty of molding myself, bending my will, breaking my barriers down, so that I can more fully and freely love you.

We waste so much time trying to "let go" of hurt. We try to let go of our pasts as if they're some anchor that keep us locked in place. I think we're trapped by our unwillingness to honestly, genuinely, and passionately hold on to what matters. I think we're consumed by keeping our hands filled to the brim with everything else under the sun, instead of the precious gold that we need. I think we waste our time, our energy, our hearts, our experiences on things of little relevance.

I am learning that while letting go is messy and awkward and painful, holding on is where all the good stuff is at. Holding on is yummy.