Letters to...

Dear You,

Get the hell over yourself. Seriously. You take yourself way too freaking seriously. You need to calm down. You need to chillax. Step outside and take a breather. Go for a walk. Stop crying all the time. Stop emanating disappointment and rage all over the place. You are vomiting escapades that really only embarrass yourself.

Have you really contemplated that this isn't that big of a deal? Have you really sat still and just acknowledged that you're being a bit dramatic? I mean, really? You have so much more than the majority of people around you. Sure, you're different than anyone else you know. But so the hell what? I mean, who cares? Isn't everyone different in certain ways? Do you really want to meet another you? You'd probably hate that person if you did!

And enough with how smart and perceptive you are. We get it. We get that you're really freaking smart and you put to shame the majority of the world. We got it the first fifteen thousand times you felt the need to announce it to us all. Are you sure that you get it? I mean, you keep bringing it up in your blog posts, so I'm not really sure...

Your life has been hard. I'm sorry about that. I know that you have had more to grieve than the majority of eighty years olds you've known. I know you've been told countless times, by an endless list of psycho therapists that you have enough to mourn to last for a lifetime. I know that you've been able to fool pretty much every single one of them that you've ever met. I know that you're too smart to allow yourself to be analyzed, but who really wants to live like that? At what point will you stop and just rip open the covers to your inner self, allow in the sunlight and the cold fresh air, and scream at the top of your lungs "I'M FREE!" When will you show who you are to anyone other than that one special person that you've chosen to expose yourself to, or rather that has chosen you to invest in?

When will you acknowledge your wickedness? I don't mean your "I'm a sinner" wickedness, I mean your real I-get-drunk-so-I-can-fall-asleep wickedness. I mean the stuff you can't even say to your reflection. I mean the stuff you can't whisper in the dark.

When will you admit your dark side? The side that runs from confrontation. The side that is more fragile than a hollow eggshell.

When will you believe you really are worth something?

When will death stop feeling life a relief? When will it stop tasting like heaven on your lips, and like longing in your soul? When will you learn to love living?

You need to stop waiting for the agony that is just around the corner. You need to stop anticipating it in some foolish attempt to prevent the intense agony that comes as the hammer falls. You need to learn to revel in the agony as it comes, to grieve it, and to move forward, without carrying it around like a ball chained to your ankle. You need to stop being a prisoner to your past, your torturer, your abuser, your rapist, your lover, your enemy, your reputation, your ego, your... self. You have always been your own worst enemy.

Don't buy into the self love notion, just learn to stop having so much self loathing. You need to learn to ride the wave of in-between. You need to learn to be content there. You need to learn to laugh there. Stop trying to figure everything out beforehand. Let some things be surprises. Surprises of hurt, surprises of elation, surprises of love. Let someone shock you, I mean really shock you, and be grateful for it.

Learn to accept that failure is an option, and sometimes it's the most beautiful of them. Learn to recognize that times do come when you have to walk away. Learn to recognize that just because you couldn't make her love you the way you needed her to, doesn't mean it was a waste of time. It doesn't mean it was worthless. Learn that just because he was the greatest of failures on your chart, it doesn't mean he's a lost cause. Learn to forgive; them, her, him, yourself for not walking away sooner.

Stop trying to make everyone else so happy. Stop expending so much energy and thought in regards to everyone else's worries. You are literally worrying yourself into an early grave.

And for crying out loud, laugh! Keep on loving the way that you do. Keep on looking for the best in everyone you know. Don't allow the world to jade you.

As always, I wish you all the best. I have had the most vested of all interest in your development. I sincerely believe that one day you will look back and realize that I was right. Even if you weren't strong enough to understand it, at the time.

Always,
Me