lobster

I loved talking to you today. I loved seeing you smile and hearing you laugh. I loved being with you. It's my favorite thing to do. I love looking at your handsome face. When we were talking about the things we miss, everything I miss really is physical. We are blessed to be able to communicate and bond through the internet or the phones. We are blessed that we are able to connect that way. How can I complain? What I miss the most is being able to snuggle. Touching, holding, kissing, just being.

I miss your calloused hands holding mine. I miss your scruffy face pressed against my cheek. I miss running my fingers over the top of your head. I miss your smell. I mean, I almost crazily miss your smell.

I always find it funny how your deployments remind me of my physical need for you. I know how much you have struggled with my issues with physical touch. You have been so patient and compassionate in regards to that issue. I like that while you're gone, I am reminded of how much I actually need you to touch me.

I find it funny that Charchee and I both struggle with this aspect in ourselves. We've both had traumatic experiences involving touch as children, and whether people want to admit it or not, I believe that childhood trauma (even if it can't be remembered) lasts a lifetime. It has bled into my soul and it has taken years of work to attempt to undo the damage that was done.

I hope Charchee learns, as a young child, to overcome this issue with touch. I hope she learns to allow people to hold her. She has lately been so much more connected to me. She wants to be with me. She talks to me. She is coming to terms with her sadness. It encourages me. You know how desperately I love our children and it was breaking my heart to see her so unhappy. Tonight she actually asked me to hug her!!! I was shocked! Then she said, "Mommy. I like bear hugs! I love them!"

Brun is in her usual fall/winter season of constant asthma. Her lungs are quite horrible, and I'm wondering if the meds she's on are actually working. I've been trying to keep the dust out of our house, but that is so difficult with the weather and climate here. Maybe it will be good for us to move out of this place, in order to get her to a healthier environment.

I miss you my love. You truly are the light of my life. I am incredibly blessed to be led by you.